Show Her Love (Tribute Poem for TWLOHA)

[fightinirish217]

Show Her Love

She trembles in her bedroom so tired and worn,
Contemplating life and why she had ever been born.
Reaches hesitantly towards her top dresser drawer,
Her black tears will not be the only thing that will pour.

Opens up the case, the thin blade reflects in her eyes,
No longer will she have to hide behind a fake disguise.
Hoping this will be quick and easy and free from pain,
After it's done she'll never again see the sun or the rain.

Across her wrist, the edge opens up her blood red veins,
That brand new white dress is now covered in stains.
Second by second she loses more and more life,
Her future husband will never know his future wife.

Hands shake uncontrollably as she cuts deeper,
Over her shoulder, waiting, stands the grim reaper.
Another innocent victim to add to his collection,
I wish I could break down the door and prove her perfection.

Her watery eyes are the most beautiful I have seen,
Her soft smile and rosy cheeks make her look like a queen.
That is how I will treat her, like royalty tonight,
Protection is my job, human life is her God-given right.

Rip off my sleeve to wrap around her bloody wrist,
She knows she has been saved and does not resist.
Breaking down in self-disgust, unable to lift her head,
I just thank heaven, knowing she will not lie there dead.

I will show her love, and here I will always be,
Giving her counsel and care, setting her free.
The scars will heal one day, but for now they remind,
Of the time when she almost let herself unwind.

Those marks will give her the strength to move on,
Those violent impulses she will no longer act upon.
From now on her life will be filled with bountiful love,
From my heart down here, and His sacred heart up above.

Those blue eyes shine clearer than ever right now,
We sit face to face and establish an eternal vow.
I will stand by her forever, she will stand strong,
The world will embrace her and she will always belong.

[eliselovesmusic]

I actually do like this despite it being quite depressing - which isn't usually what I like to read/hear.

The fact that it rhymes and kind of turns into a 'love story' (I say that with utter horror of myself) makes me want to keep reading and not attempt suicide haha

Good work :-)

[fightinirish217]

Well thank you for replying!

I know its depressing but that was what I was going for. I hope it turned from depressing to hopeful as it progressed.

[thespearkid]

Read the first stanza and had to stop. Your structure really needs some work. You're going for a really simple, predictable meter and you're missing it completely.

Edit: Went back and read a little more. If you're going for depressing or dark, I think you should know that there is nothing particularly depressing about a teenage girl with all the same problems as every other teenage girl in the world. To make this concept anything special, you'd have to have a pretty fresh, unique style of writing or look at the situation from an angle that hasn't been done to death.

[x1onexwo1fx]

Read the first stanza and had to stop. Your structure really needs some work. You're going for a really simple, predictable meter and you're missing it completely.

Edit: Went back and read a little more. If you're going for depressing or dark, I think you should know that there is nothing particularly depressing about a teenage girl with all the same problems as every other teenage girl in the world. To make this concept anything special, you'd have to have a pretty fresh, unique style of writing or look at the situation from an angle that hasn't been done to death.

I know you have the best intentions and I mean no disrespect, but since it's a tribute poem, it'd be nice if you did just a little bit of research. TWLOHA is a non-profit organization that helps millions of teenagers worldwide cope with depression and suicide by spreading the word that everyone deserves to be loved. I agree with you that the poem is really simple, but I think the poem really succeeds at what it sets out to do. It's not trying to be original or depressing, it's trying to be easy to relate to and, in the end, hopeful.

[newtothis]

I know you have the best intentions and I mean no disrespect, but since it's a tribute poem, it'd be nice if you did just a little bit of research. TWLOHA is a non-profit organization that helps millions of teenagers worldwide cope with depression and suicide by spreading the word that everyone deserves to be loved. I agree with you that the poem is really simple, but I think the poem really succeeds at what it sets out to do. It's not trying to be original or depressing, it's trying to be easy to relate to and, in the end, hopeful.
thespearkid here, posting from a friend's laptop: I know what TWLOHA is. What does that have to do with whether the poem is good or not? There's nothing wrong with a simple poem but when you somehow can't pull off one of the simplest meters, there is clearly a problem.

[eliselovesmusic]

I know you have the best intentions and I mean no disrespect, but since it's a tribute poem, it'd be nice if you did just a little bit of research. TWLOHA is a non-profit organization that helps millions of teenagers worldwide cope with depression and suicide by spreading the word that everyone deserves to be loved. I agree with you that the poem is really simple, but I think the poem really succeeds at what it sets out to do. It's not trying to be original or depressing, it's trying to be easy to relate to and, in the end, hopeful.
I agree with both of you. I'm so confused!!!

[eliselovesmusic]

Read the first stanza and had to stop. Your structure really needs some work. You're going for a really simple, predictable meter and you're missing it completely.

Edit: Went back and read a little more. If you're going for depressing or dark, I think you should know that there is nothing particularly depressing about a teenage girl with all the same problems as every other teenage girl in the world. To make this concept anything special, you'd have to have a pretty fresh, unique style of writing or look at the situation from an angle that hasn't been done to death.

I know you have the best intentions and I mean no disrespect, but since it's a tribute poem, it'd be nice if you did just a little bit of research. TWLOHA is a non-profit organization that helps millions of teenagers worldwide cope with depression and suicide by spreading the word that everyone deserves to be loved. I agree with you that the poem is really simple, but I think the poem really succeeds at what it sets out to do. It's not trying to be original or depressing, it's trying to be easy to relate to and, in the end, hopeful.


I agree with both of you. I'm so confused!

[fightinirish217]

I wasn't trying to go for any particular meter, I just wrote it. Wasn't paying attention to the meter.

Thanks for all the advice though, I appreciate it.

[meggiexxlynn]

I love it!
You should make it into where the words spell twloha!
that'd be amazing.
like in the books by Ellen Hopkins!
:)