Laughing Blues

[yournewhaircut]

When you laugh with me, don't look at me
No just cover your mouth if your shining leaks
With a glimpse of that grin my head starts to spin
So pretend you're mad or just turn your face away.

Sunset's glowin' all green tonight
Or is it my eyes burning in the gold light?
Blue polka dots, two suns? Ha ha ha...
Cracked up, eyes dug in my knees.

Sad? No, no, it's just you, babe,
You let all those blue songs ruin your day
Every thing's good, knock, knock on wood
Hey, let's split that cigarette

The cliff looks so high from the edge,
Don't you laugh now, my butt just might slip
But would you follow me, if I fell beneath?
Quiet now, I'd never forgive that.

Whoa, you see that? It look looks like a birth!
That peach mama cloud is pulsating with mirth
Newborn satellite cries light in the sky
It's blue! It's beautiful!

Big crescent moons
fill up your eyes
That makeshift frown
and that choked up sound
ain't fooling me, kid

I told you
I told you

I guess I lept up pretty fast,
Just to escape and walk off her laugh.
My pants then scarf scraped the dirty edge rock.
So I said fuck it and kicked the cliff away.

When your sundress came fluttering toward me
I thought I was falling up, like this was just a dream
Then your cheek touched my mouth and I wanted to shout
"What the hell!? Why'd you do that?"

A sea swallowed up both my eyes,
I never was any good at saying goodbyes
Cracked up I bawled "No! You're stupid!
You're so stupid! Gimme your hand"

The wind blew the drops from my eyelids,
Her tears rained on my cheek then she moved her lips,
"Only because it looked kind of fun,
to fall for a while," then she smiled.

I grinned, our faces were sanguine,
Our mouths exploded with laughter at the pitiful scene
How I'd kill to be there holding you in the air,
but I guess they treat me pretty good here.

Big crescent moons
fill up your eyes
That makeshift frown
and that choked up sound
ain't fooling me, kid

I told you
I told you

[eliselovesmusic]

Love it :-d

The first three stanzas are awesome, but then the fourth kind of breaks the eloquence. "I'd kill you" - is this meaning that you would kill the chick you're talking about because she wouldn't follow you over the cliff, or that she would follow you over the cliff but you don't want her too because she would get hurt...? I'm pretty sure it's the latter but still..

The fifth stanza has some awesome imagery. The repeated verse is pretty good too.

I like the line "Just to escape and walk off her laugh" for some reason... It's like her laugh is kind of holding you up - like a platform... That's what I think of anyway

A sea swallowed up both my eyes,
A. May. Zing. My favourite line.

So I yelled "No! You're stupid!
You're so stupid!"
I see that you may have written this line to be straight up, but maybe there's a really "artsy" way of saying it haha But in saying that, the poem/song wouldn't be quite right without it I suppose


I grinned, our faces were sanguine,
I learned a new word today haha

Our mouths exploded with laughter at the pitiful scene
You could have possibly ended on this line - it's pretty good and kind of sums up the whole poem.

How I'd kill to be there holding you in the air,
but I guess they treat me pretty good here.
Awww....

Over all I really liked it - I swear I could read it all day :-) Can I print it off and show it to my mates? tehehe

[yournewhaircut]

:) I'm glad you like it. I can't take too much credit though because that sucka Conor Oberst basically wrote the song structure and meter in his song "Landlocked Blues", I wanted a nice song structure to write my own story. Thanks for the feedback, I think I will edit it right now. And you have my completely unresctriction permission to print this for whatever reason at all in the universe and the fourth dimension.

[eliselovesmusic]

:) I'm glad you like it. I can't take too much credit though because that sucka Conor Oberst basically wrote the song structure and meter in his song "Landlocked Blues", I wanted a nice song structure to write my own story. Thanks for the feedback, I think I will edit it right now. And you have my completely unresctriction permission to print this for whatever reason at all in the universe and the fourth dimension.

That's good coz I was fully planning on using it in the 4th dimension :-p

[Kirsty.com]

i like it. read my stuff? let me know what you think.