drowning.

[Kirsty.com]

So I look back at my life,
From this day I’ll call today,
And Try and piece together,
why I was the one who had to pay.

You made me feel special and perfect inside,
Laughing at mistakes that we made.
Holding onto your hand I never wanted to let go.
but soon I knew all of this would fadeee.

I close my eyes.
I hear you breathing.
You hold on tight.
I see you sleeping.

The thing is that I know we were meant to be.
You meant the entire world,
And everything to mee.

Most people just stand and look,
Glance upon dispare.
But all I see, is you and me,
Together. But wait, your not there.

So once again, you’ve gone for good,
So I just clench my fists,
Drowning in my heartbreak and
The sadness that re hits.

You’ve changed for the worse and now,
Your never coming back.
even now your not with her,
it still remains a fact.


You left with the wrong intention
Didn’t even say goodbye.
But guess what boy, I don’t care now,
Cause I am through with lies.

[MattRM]

I think your "e" key may be sticking. Might want to have that looked at.

[more heart]

Do I dare say anything?

[redmoon]

excellent kirsty well done

[Kirsty.com]

thank you(:

[EmzoidBooshFan]

I LOVE IT. Don't listen to the haters. They obv have no life if they want to try to put a 15 year old's writing down when it takes a lot of guts to put it up here cause its your own personal feelings. Love you Kirstyy! Seeyah @ school. x

[OldJersey]

Hahaha i picture this to be lyrics to some cheesy house techno song with some chick singing the words.

So yeah this is pretty terrible. But you're 15! so woohoo good for you i guess...

[The Personist]

Uhhh...

Stopped reading at "dispare." Spell check plz

[Smeee]

Do I dare say anything?

Please do.

I enjoy these lyrics threads. This girl and Mike Smith are wonderful, wonderful posters.

[vaters]

This is really good and so is your other one, "Am I Over You" bot i can relate to at the moment except ima guy that lost a girl, im 16 (I lied about my age) and i know what its like to go through what your going through

Take Care

- vaters

[Kirsty.com]

thank you.

[as_we_learn]

this is boring and trite as hell. I'm not trying to put you down, but you need to try and improve on things like cliche imagery and start making some clever lines. This whole thing done in a manner so uninteresting. Please when you go write something new, at least think of something clever enough to even post on here.

[diehtc0ke]

Did you get your friends at school to register here so that they can tell you that you write well?
The thing is that I know we were meant to be.

You meant the entire world,

And everything to mee.


Rehashed imagery and poor spelling. These lines encapsulate the rest. If you like these cliches, why not reapporpriate them so that they say something differently? Essentially, the poem says little as is.

[Kirsty.com]

ok. thanks.

[newtothis]

So, you have some decentish ideas to start out with. I think the problem with this though, is that it is too cliche. Phrases like "we were meant to be" or "drowning in my heartbreak" just come across as really corny. If you really want to leave an impression, try to think outside the box. You don't have to TELL the reader everything. Let them figure out what you are trying to say for themselves.

[more heart]

Can you please stop cluttering the forums with this stuff?

[newtothis]

She needs to improve. How can she expect to do so if she can't post her poetry/lyrics on this forum without getting attacked? If you want to stop seeing bad poetry, then either 1) Don't read it, or 2) Give her some good advice so she can get better.

[eliselovesmusic]

I LOVE IT. Don't listen to the haters. They obv have no life if they want to try to put a 15 year old's writing down when it takes a lot of guts to put it up here cause its your own personal feelings. Love you Kirstyy! Seeyah @ school. x





I'm 15 but the difference is that I know how to take constructive criticisim. Believe it or not people on here usually try to help kids like us get better at our art.

[thespearkid]

I LOVE IT. Don't listen to the haters. They obv have no life if they want to try to put a 15 year old's writing down when it takes a lot of guts to put it up here cause its your own personal feelings. Love you Kirstyy! Seeyah @ school. x
No surprise there.

[Openyourmind]

hey i think its pretty good stuff. I think you are off to a great start. When you get older i think itll become a lot more mature but i like it.

[eliselovesmusic]

hey i think its pretty good stuff. I think you are off to a great start. When you get older i think itll become a lot more mature but i like it.


It's not neccessarily a bad poem or whatever - but what people are getting all tense about is being unable to take constructive criticism.

But yeah Kristy, it's not bad writing or anything :-)

[newtothis]

It's not neccessarily a bad poem or whatever - but what people are getting all tense about is being unable to take constructive criticism.

But yeah Kristy, it's not bad writing or anything :-)

Look, here is my point. I'm going to be perfectly honest and tell you that this is not the worst poem I've ever read, but it would not qualify under my list of favorites. To be honest, I would consider this bad poetry. If you don't consider this bad, I'd be interested in what is bad in your opinion. The idea, however, is that, with the advice you get, you improve it. Telling her that this isn't bad writing isn't fair to her as a writer or even to you as a critic.

[eliselovesmusic]

Look, here is my point. I'm going to be perfectly honest and tell you that this is not the worst poem I've ever read, but it would not qualify under my list of favorites. To be honest, I would consider this bad poetry. If you don't consider this bad, I'd be interested in what is bad in your opinion. The idea, however, is that, with the advice you get, you improve it. Telling her that this isn't bad writing isn't fair to her as a writer or even to you as a critic.


Yeah I don't exactly like this poem - but I don't want to break her spirit either.

The main point I'm trying to get across is that she needs to listen to people's advice rather than back chat. If she wants to improve - she'll take the critique. She's not taking it, therefore she obviously plans on staying in a void of bad poetry for the rest of her life.

[Kirsty.com]

ok, cool. thankss and sorry guys :}

[eliselovesmusic]

ok, cool. thankss and sorry guys :}


You just redeemed yourself :-)

[Kirsty.com]

so i'm about to start something new, somethin different, something i've never really tried before...
I'll post it as soon as ive completed it :}