Bartender, Pour Me Another Shot

[Mike Smith]

This is a song i wrote because my friend cuts herself/ I am not sure if you'll understand it because i was trying to kind of make the message in a non cliche, not so straightforward way

Did i totally mess this up? Or did i do a good job of sending a message that wasnt cliche or too straightforward?

Input is welcome.

Chorus:

Bartender pour me another shot
Of that alluring drink
I think it's called life
And you need to drink it right

Verse 1:

Lifes filled with emotions, oh yes it is
Filled with things from extreme love to hate
One day your best friends your worst enemy
And your excitement turns to misery

Chorus:

Bartender pour me another shot
Of that alluring drink
I think it's called life
And you need to drink it right

Verse 2:

Sometimes it can put you into mass depression
But sometimes it puts you in a state of joy
Makes you feel like everythings alright
For now and time to come, oh yeah

Chorus:

Bartender pour me another shot
Of that alluring drink
I think it's called life
And you need to drink it right

Bridge:

It's never worth it to stop drinking those shots
With one little cut that takes away the pain
Cause if you cut off your drink and end the flow
Then no more show can come your way

Chorus:

Bartender pour me another shot
Of that alluring drink
I think it's called life
And you need to drink it right

[eliselovesmusic]

First of all: change the title. Sorry but I saw the title and was like "Oh no - another gangsta from the hood talking about his hoes."

I was pleasantly surprised that this was not the case.


As for the actual song, yeah it is a bit cliche. I do get that you're trying to talk about life in an almost philosophical way, but I'm not so sure that comparing life to a shot of alcohol is the right way to do it. If you justify it by saying that we should all get drunk on life or something then it might make a bit more sense, but I'm still not a big fan of that image.... In saying that: the chorus does work because I see what you're trying to say.

May I ask how old you are?

[Mike Smith]

First of all: change the title. Sorry but I saw the title and was like "Oh no - another gangsta from the hood talking about his hoes."

I was pleasantly surprised that this was not the case.


As for the actual song, yeah it is a bit cliche. I do get that you're trying to talk about life in an almost philosophical way, but I'm not so sure that comparing life to a shot of alcohol is the right way to do it. If you justify it by saying that we should all get drunk on life or something then it might make a bit more sense, but I'm still not a big fan of that image.... In saying that: the chorus does work because I see what you're trying to say.

May I ask how old you are?

Lol i figured the title would throw people off

But it kind of was written as an RnB/Hiphop/Rap type song.

But what would you suggest for a title? Cause im out of ideas...That was the best i came up with.

And im glad you like the chorus.

I am only 17.

[eliselovesmusic]

"A Thousand Reasons Why It'll Last Forever, A Thousand Reasons Why It Was Never Gonna Work"
(me likes long song titles haha)

Yeah I figured you were young.... But don't take that as a bad thing (I'm only 15)
Personally I think teenagers write the best stuff coz it comes from this really weird place like 'deep within' or something and adults tend to lose that but now I just sound like Peter Pan gone wrong :star:

[Mike Smith]

"A Thousand Reasons Why It'll Last Forever, A Thousand Reasons Why It Was Never Gonna Work"
(me likes long song titles haha)

Yeah I figured you were young.... But don't take that as a bad thing (I'm only 15)
Personally I think teenagers write the best stuff coz it comes from this really weird place like 'deep within' or something and adults tend to lose that but now I just sound like Peter Pan gone wrong :star:

Good title lol

And yehh i still have plenty of songs left in me though ;P

I've written about 20 so far? :]

And yeah i write stuff from the heart, and theyre meaningful to me

But i think ill do that when im older too :P

[TBS0116]

"A Thousand Reasons Why It'll Last Forever, A Thousand Reasons Why It Was Never Gonna Work"
(me likes long song titles haha)

Yeah I figured you were young.... But don't take that as a bad thing (I'm only 15)
Personally I think teenagers write the best stuff coz it comes from this really weird place like 'deep within' or something and adults tend to lose that but now I just sound like Peter Pan gone wrong :star:

i completely agree with you. teenagers are just like bottled up balls of emotion and adults write very technical i think. ha i've noticed this too elise

[Mike Smith]

i completely agree with you. teenagers are just like bottled up balls of emotion and adults write very technical i think. ha i've noticed this too elise

Lol is that why a lot of people on here seem to think EVERYTHING i write is cliche?

Because they're more technical in their writing and i'm more of just getting my emotions out and stuff?

I mean i write some pretty technical stuff sometimes, because sometimes i write poems in the perspective of other people, and not based off any true life things, i just write about random things and they come out as good as the things that i write about that have been personal happenings with me or friends.

[eliselovesmusic]

Lol is that why a lot of people on here seem to think EVERYTHING i write is cliche?

Because they're more technical in their writing and i'm more of just getting my emotions out and stuff?

I mean i write some pretty technical stuff sometimes, because sometimes i write poems in the perspective of other people, and not based off any true life things, i just write about random things and they come out as good as the things that i write about that have been personal happenings with me or friends.


Yeah I often write from another person's point of view too - mainly when there's nothing going on in my life that is worth having a song about haha....

TBS0116: Amen.

[thespearkid]

To say that older people don't write what's "deep inside" or "from the heart" is just silly. Older writers write differently than younger writers because the older you are, the more classes you've taken on poetry and literature, learning what makes a good poem a good poem. Anyone can write what's "deep inside" but it takes a poet to make it poetic, for lack of a better word.

[Kirsty.com]

i love this. really good(: and i agree, teenagers write more meaningful stuff. I'm not saying that adults write un-meanigful stuff, just that teenagers do it cause it makes them feel better. Well, thats why I do it anyway(:

[fishingthe_sky]

Lol is that why a lot of people on here seem to think EVERYTHING i write is cliche?

Because they're more technical in their writing and i'm more of just getting my emotions out and stuff?

I mean i write some pretty technical stuff sometimes, because sometimes i write poems in the perspective of other people, and not based off any true life things, i just write about random things and they come out as good as the things that i write about that have been personal happenings with me or friends.
People think that everything you write is cliche because your writing is cliche. It has nothing to do with your emotions or lack of technique, but with the fact that you use simple language, simple structure, simple rhymes, and rely on images or phrases that have been used to death (cliches). Writing from another point of view does not make your piece "technical," either.

[fishingthe_sky]

"A Thousand Reasons Why It'll Last Forever, A Thousand Reasons Why It Was Never Gonna Work"
(me likes long song titles haha)

Yeah I figured you were young.... But don't take that as a bad thing (I'm only 15)
Personally I think teenagers write the best stuff coz it comes from this really weird place like 'deep within' or something and adults tend to lose that but now I just sound like Peter Pan gone wrong :star:

You kids seem to think that emotion and technique are incongruous, when they're not. Far from it, in fact. Take this poem by Richard Wilbur: http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/wedding-toast/ Which demonstrates emotion and uses technique. When you have had more experience with writing, you will learn to channel emotion while using technique. What you all mean by "meaningful" is really "personal." The stuff you write is means a lot to you as the writer, but it does not contain more meaning than a better developed poem; a more seasoned writer is able to generate meaning because they are able to write in a way that has emotion but is not caught up in being a piece strictly for the writer. The stuff you write feels like it has more meaning because it means a lot to you, but to your audience it does not come across as such because it is a personal piece.

[fishingthe_sky]

As far as the piece itself goes, this is so simplistic it's laughable. I mean, the only way you could spell it out for us more is if you actually spelled out the words. "Life is filled with emotions" is your first line in your verse! Jesus, that's like saying "The ocean is filled with water." It honestly reads like a nursery rhyme on being mad and sad. "This alluring drink called life" is an incredibly weak excuse for a metaphor.

I'm sorry I'm being a dick, but man, you need to be told that this is just bad. Bad bad bad.

[Mike Smith]

As far as the piece itself goes, this is so simplistic it's laughable. I mean, the only way you could spell it out for us more is if you actually spelled out the words. "Life is filled with emotions" is your first line in your verse! Jesus, that's like saying "The ocean is filled with water." It honestly reads like a nursery rhyme on being mad and sad. "This alluring drink called life" is an incredibly weak excuse for a metaphor.

I'm sorry I'm being a dick, but man, you need to be told that this is just bad. Bad bad bad.

No i can understand. I'm a teenager, and still have time to develop, and read better poetry.

I'm only just starting, and all of these things i have posted have been written within the past 3 months i have been on AP. So i am new to poetry. Usually it was just songwriting.

You're not being a dick telling me it's bad, you're just trying to make me realize i need to read better poetry, and that i need to become more technical instead of writing personally, or writing from another point of view

And i need to stop with the basics and try to expand and make things better

I do understand where you're coming from, so don't worry, i'm not mad or anything. I completely understand where you're coming from and i can tell you've been doing poetic things such as writing an critiquing for a while.

Thanks

[TBS0116]

i think writing poetry and writing song lyrics are completely different. no one band or artist has the same technique for all their songs. alot of songs are just verses thrown together, maybe no chorus at all.

And i take back what i said about older and younger writers.
its not that older writers don't channel emotions, just differently.. i don't think its any better or any worse than younger writers.

being cliche has nothing to do with simplicity. but yes, over use

[eliselovesmusic]

Sure, taking classes on poetry may help heaps to develop poetry and find out what technically makes a poem good, but I still reckon that overall it's how much passion and meaningfullness you put into your writing - if you've heard the lyrics on "Evening Out With Your Girlfriend" by Fall Out Boy, you'll see that sure they may pathetic and cliche BUT they're endearing and appealing because they're from the heart and Pete and Patrick mean what they're saying. ("Waling off that stage tonight, I know what you're thinking. He stands alone because he's high on himself. If you only knew: I was terrified and would you mind if I sat next to you and watched you smile")


I'm not at all saying that older poets/lyricists have less feeling in their work, but it just seems more raw and not over-thought when it's by an 'inexperienced' and 'less educated' young person :-)

[thetrueblood]

teenagers just think other teenagers right the best stuff because they're not mature enough to really understand what adults are writing

[eliselovesmusic]

teenagers just think other teenagers right the best stuff because they're not mature enough to really understand what adults are writing


I cringe so hard every time someone says that teenagers 'aren't mature enough' or 'don't understand.'

Sure, our brains may technically not be fully developed, but it doesn't mean that we are completely oblivious to this fact. We do understand what adults try to put across (well at least we try to anyway) BUT because we haven't had certain experiences that adults have had we just can't relate to it as well as adults do.

There is nothing wrong with teenagers, so don't make us sound defective.

Also, you can't spell the word 'write'







...OMG I'm getting really heated over this haha.....

[Here It Goes]

I like the intent of the poem, but I think with an issue like this, it never hurts to be even more direct. I dunno, maybe I'm just too blunt.

Remember that song "God of Wine" by Third Eye Blind? How it never really mentions that alcohol hurts people, but the lyrics are so visual ("She takes a drink and then she waits/the alcohol it permeates/and soon the cells give way/and cancels out the day...") that you can't help but feel like you've BEEN there. You know?

Good topic to write about though. I can't understand this whole cutting trend.

[Mike Smith]

I like the intent of the poem, but I think with an issue like this, it never hurts to be even more direct. I dunno, maybe I'm just too blunt.

Remember that song "God of Wine" by Third Eye Blind? How it never really mentions that alcohol hurts people, but the lyrics are so visual ("She takes a drink and then she waits/the alcohol it permeates/and soon the cells give way/and cancels out the day...") that you can't help but feel like you've BEEN there. You know?

Good topic to write about though. I can't understand this whole cutting trend.

Even more direct huh? I havent really thought about taking a really direct approach to things like this

And yes i remember that song. I may only be 17, but Third Eye Blind is a great band.

I dont understand the whole cuttin bullcrap either. My friends that do it are like ohh well the physical pain takes away from my mental pain i have

I was like yeah, im so sure haha, if anything it makes the mental pain worse?

[eliselovesmusic]

Even more direct huh? I havent really thought about taking a really direct approach to things like this

And yes i remember that song. I may only be 17, but Third Eye Blind is a great band.

I dont understand the whole cuttin bullcrap either. My friends that do it are like ohh well the physical pain takes away from my mental pain i have

I was like yeah, im so sure haha, if anything it makes the mental pain worse?



From what I've noticed on the issue, if people are seriously hurting and are using self harm as a way to vent the mental anguish, they usually keep it a secret. They usually feel quite ashamed and won't tell anyone (they bottle up their emotions which is half the reason they turned to self harm anyway)

It sounds like your friends are doing it for attention. I bet ya that this time next year they'll be looking at their scars saying "Oh yeah that was just this random phase I went through."

[Mike Smith]

From what I've noticed on the issue, if people are seriously hurting and are using self harm as a way to vent the mental anguish, they usually keep it a secret. They usually feel quite ashamed and won't tell anyone (they bottle up their emotions which is half the reason they turned to self harm anyway)

It sounds like your friends are doing it for attention. I bet ya that this time next year they'll be looking at their scars saying "Oh yeah that was just this random phase I went through."

Well i KNOW a few of my friends just do it for attention. But the one i particularly wrote this about has only told me, as shes afraid to tel other people.(Her mom abuses her and always tells her she never should have been born and that she was a mistake and she'll never amount to nothing). It sucks, but unfortunately there's not too much anyone can do about it.

[eliselovesmusic]

Well i KNOW a few of my friends just do it for attention. But the one i particularly wrote this about has only told me, as shes afraid to tel other people.(Her mom abuses her and always tells her she never should have been born and that she was a mistake and she'll never amount to nothing). It sucks, but unfortunately there's not too much anyone can do about it.


Aww that is unfortunate but obviously I don't anything about the situation but if you're old enough just run far far away to disneyland and become singing elves. That is the answer.

But in all seriousness it sounds like someone (whether it be you or an authority) need to take her out of that situation.