Suicide Poem

[Mike Smith]

I wrote a poem about a girl committing suicide as a message to people....Or at least attempted to.

Its still rough and im not 100% sure if its done yet

But what do you think so far?

Untitled:
Evil, It tempted her
Every time she swallowed
Because the path she was on
Was the wrong one to follow
Shes invisible now
To everyone who once cared
Cause evil challenged her,
And she took the dare
Her whole life,
Is now gone down the drain
For she thought what
She loved had left her
Felt she caused them
Too much pain
I'm sorry everyone,
For anything she's done
Shes dead now though
Cause she slit her throat
Thinking her pain would be gone
She has no more life,
No more fight left in her
So I'm sorry folks
Your daughter will no longer
Be home for dinner

[justabit]

...good...definetly gets the message across

[Mike Smith]

...good...definetly gets the message across

Aww do you really like it? :]

[BryterJonah]

FACT: only the Russians can pull off decent suicide literature/poetry.

[Mike Smith]

FACT: only the Russians can pull off decent suicide literature/poetry.

Well I'm not russian and i've seemed to create a pretty good poem about suicide here....haha

[BryterJonah]

FACT: nobody likes a poet with an ego, let alone confidence.

[Mike Smith]

FACT: nobody likes a poet with an ego, let alone confidence.

I dont have an ego

I've just had a lot of people tell me that this piece conveys the subject of suicide very well and sends a strong and powerful message

And whats wrong with a bit of confidence?

[justabit]

Aww do you really like it? :] i do cuz i can relate to it. well kinda. xcept it wasn't someone else, it was me. but i'm kinda past it now. i read ur other stuff 2, and it's all awesome

[Mike Smith]

i do cuz i can relate to it. well kinda. xcept it wasn't someone else, it was me. but i'm kinda past it now. i read ur other stuff 2, and it's all awesome

Thanks

I appreciate that

And you tried to commit suicide? Well at least you're alive and kicking :]

[justabit]

Thanks

I appreciate that

And you tried to commit suicide? Well at least you're alive and kicking :]

lol no i didn't but i thought about it....(darn parents! jk)

[Mike Smith]

lol no i didn't but i thought about it....(darn parents! jk)

Ooooo i see

Well at least you didnt do it.

[Kirsty.com]

Mike's poems & lyrics kick ass(:
well done, i really like your stuffx

[justletgo]

Hey it's the writer for Destiny's Child! I didn't forget about you man.

[Mike Smith]

Hey it's the writer for Destiny's Child! I didn't forget about you man.

Huh?...

[justletgo]

Huh?...

http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=874552

Read this link. Maybe it will ring a bell.

[Mike Smith]

http://www.absolutepunk.net/showthread.php?t=874552

Read this link. Maybe it will ring a bell.

Haha very funny lol

That thread is over and done with, and i have posted much nicer, better things than that on here since then

But i did write a song for an all girl group in california, but it was an unsigned group. Not anyone famous.

But what did you think of this poem? Thats all i want, i dont want to start arguments, i just want input on the poem please

[justletgo]

Haha very funny lol

That thread is over and done with, and i have posted much nicer, better things than that on here since then

But i did write a song for an all girl group in california, but it was an unsigned group. Not anyone famous.

But what did you think of this poem? Thats all i want, i dont want to start arguments, i just want input on the poem please

Okay. I'll answer you if you answer me.

I don't think that you can relate enough to the topic. And it's not inspiring, because you're clearly not writing about personal experiences. If you were, it would be a lot more clearer that you were doing so. And it just doesn't have that mood that a real poem about suicide would bring me. I'm not a fan of your writing at all. Maybe you should try a different topic. So basically, it's like a rich kid trying to write about the struggles of getting by in a poor neighborhood. You just can't relate.

So, you did lie about the letter didn't you?

[justletgo]

you're welcome for responding to your poem.

[Mike Smith]

Okay. I'll answer you if you answer me.

I don't think that you can relate enough to the topic. And it's not inspiring, because you're clearly not writing about personal experiences. If you were, it would be a lot more clearer that you were doing so. And it just doesn't have that mood that a real poem about suicide would bring me. I'm not a fan of your writing at all. Maybe you should try a different topic. So basically, it's like a rich kid trying to write about the struggles of getting by in a poor neighborhood. You just can't relate.

So, you did lie about the letter didn't you?

How can i not relate enough to the topic of suicide? I've been through some hard times in my life and thought about it at one point. And i've had some friends AND family who have commited suicide. I'm almost positive i can relate to this, thats why i wrote it.

And are you referring to the letter i got from the publishing/record company? If so then no i did not lie about it. It was a company called Paramount Group(http://www.paramountsong.com/)

I wrote to them and submitted a song, and i almost got signed to a songwriting contract with them

And then there was another record label(The one eleven place) who liked a demo i had recorded of one of my songs a while back, but i chose not to sign with them b/c of my military duties.

[Mike Smith]

Okay. I'll answer you if you answer me.

I don't think that you can relate enough to the topic. And it's not inspiring, because you're clearly not writing about personal experiences. If you were, it would be a lot more clearer that you were doing so. And it just doesn't have that mood that a real poem about suicide would bring me. I'm not a fan of your writing at all. Maybe you should try a different topic. So basically, it's like a rich kid trying to write about the struggles of getting by in a poor neighborhood. You just can't relate.

So, you did lie about the letter didn't you?
How can i not relate enough to the topic of suicide? I've been through some hard times in my life and thought about it at one point. And i've had some friends AND family who have commited suicide. I'm almost positive i can relate to this, thats why i wrote it.

And are you referring to the letter i got from the publishing/record company? If so then no i did not lie about it. It was a company called Paramount Group(http://www.paramountsong.com/)

I wrote to them and submitted a song, and i almost got signed to a songwriting contract with them

And then there was another record label(The one eleven place) who liked a demo i had recorded of one of my songs a while back, but i chose not to sign with them b/c of my military duties.

[Michifoxx]

It was good...n yes def got the message.
I like ur stuff Mike

[justletgo]

How can i not relate enough to the topic of suicide? I've been through some hard times in my life and thought about it at one point. And i've had some friends AND family who have commited suicide. I'm almost positive i can relate to this, thats why i wrote it.

And are you referring to the letter i got from the publishing/record company? If so then no i did not lie about it. It was a company called Paramount Group(http://www.paramountsong.com/)

I wrote to them and submitted a song, and i almost got signed to a songwriting contract with them

And then there was another record label(The one eleven place) who liked a demo i had recorded of one of my songs a while back, but i chose not to sign with them b/c of my military duties.

K dude. That whole situation just seems funny to me.

Well, if you really lost family to suicide then I'm sorry, because that's obviously never a good thing. But your lyrics still don't seem inspiring one bit to me. I'm just being honest.

[Mike Smith]

K dude. That whole situation just seems funny to me.

Well, if you really lost family to suicide then I'm sorry, because that's obviously never a good thing. But your lyrics still don't seem inspiring one bit to me. I'm just being honest.

Im sorry the lyrics dont inspire =/

But yes i have had friends and shit try to kill themselves, and have lost a few friends that way

And family...yeh lets not go there haha

I guess i could have expanded the poem a bit more to make it seem a bit more heartfelt, but i think it still send a strong message.

[Mike Smith]

It was good...n yes def got the message.
I like ur stuff Mike

Thanks

I appreciate that :]

[Kyle Huntington]

Really not a very emotive piece considering the topic. The language/descriptions switch far too quickly from simple/understanding tones to even more simplistic tones but more dramatic in a false way. Seems false because of the switch in language like the "shock" is supposed to be a great turning point or highlight, when in fact it made me dislike reading it even more as it went on.

[Mike Smith]

Really not a very emotive piece considering the topic. The language/descriptions switch far too quickly from simple/understanding tones to even more simplistic tones but more dramatic in a false way. Seems false because of the switch in language like the "shock" is supposed to be a great turning point or highlight, when in fact it made me dislike reading it even more as it went on.

Someone told me if i maybe expanded it more and made it seem more real/emotional that it would be much better

So this helps me to

I might try to rewrite it and expand on the topic more so it will come across as real emotion and not fake, because i wrote this based off a friend trying to off themselves like...a few months ago.

[x1onexwo1fx]

suicide poems aren't supposed to make me laugh, huh...

i'm not exactly sure what makes a good suicide poem anymore since the whole topic feels so cliche thanks to the many, many depressed teenagers we have today. however, as for your writing in general, which is pretty much horrible at this point, i think you should just read more, good poetry, study it and get a feel for what makes it good. after reading good poetry, maybe you'll be able to write good poetry, or at the very least, better than this.

[Michifoxx]

And wow...u two..
just lol ...

[Mike Smith]

suicide poems aren't supposed to make me laugh, huh...

i'm not exactly sure what makes a good suicide poem anymore since the whole topic feels so cliche thanks to the many, many depressed teenagers we have today. however, as for your writing in general, which is pretty much horrible at this point, i think you should just read more, good poetry, study it and get a feel for what makes it good. after reading good poetry, maybe you'll be able to write good poetry, or at the very least, better than this.

Like i said, i didnt really expand on this topic and someone told me i should

So i might delete this post, and repost it if i can expand on this topic more and make it seem better/more realistic/not fake.

[Kyle Huntington]

Someone told me if i maybe expanded it more and made it seem more real/emotional that it would be much better

So this helps me to

I might try to rewrite it and expand on the topic more so it will come across as real emotion and not fake, because i wrote this based off a friend trying to off themselves like...a few months ago.

Don't really need to know that, it doesn't make me like it any more or make it any better quality as a piece of writing.

[x1onexwo1fx]

I might try to rewrite it and expand on the topic more so it will come across as real emotion and not fake, because i wrote this based off a friend trying to off themselves like...a few months ago.

I'm not entirely sure what expanding on the topic means here, but I think a problem you're running into is how well you're taking on a different persona in your poetry. In case you don't know, a persona is a personality that the writer takes on in order to convey his own thoughts in writing, and it doesn't necessarily have to be the writer's own personality. I don't know what advice to give in this regard. Maybe you should just try to be more imaginative and think more thoroughly about how it really feels to go through this kind of thing. Trying to become your suicidal friend for the sake of this poem might actually serve as a roadblock. Become your own suicidal self.

...I'm not advocating suicide here, in case that wasn't clear.

[Mike Smith]

And wow...u two..
just lol ...

What? haha

you liked the poem, thats all i care about :]

Don't really need to know that, it doesn't make me like it any more or make it any better quality as a piece of writing.

I wasnt trying to get you to like it any better, i was trying to agree with the things people had been saying, and said i wrote it for a real crazy, shocking reason, so i guess i could have written a better quality thing that showed more emotion.

[Mike Smith]

I'm not entirely sure what expanding on the topic means here, but I think a problem you're running into is how well you're taking on a different persona in your poetry. In case you don't know, a persona is a personality that the writer takes on in order to convey his own thoughts in writing, and it doesn't necessarily have to be the writer's own personality. I don't know what advice to give in this regard. Maybe you should just try to be more imaginative and think more thoroughly about how it really feels to go through this kind of thing. Trying to become your suicidal friend for the sake of this poem might actually serve as a roadblock. Become your own suicidal self.

...I'm not advocating suicide here, in case that wasn't clear.

I can understand what you're saying 100%. Because writing this i basically did become my friend who tried to commit suicide

I can see where you're coming from bigtime though, and thats if i make myself become a suicidal persona(persona wise for a poem) I will probably write a better poem then trying to write from the persona of my suicidal friend

Thanks for that advice.

[x1onexwo1fx]

you liked the poem, thats all i care about :]

WRONG.

Only people of that age group would like your poetry, because, like you, they don't know what makes a good poem. You shouldn't just care about whether people like it or not. This isn't entertainment, it's art. With art, you can improve. Betterment of your own skills should be more important than whether someone likes your poem or not.

[justletgo]

Like i said, i didnt really expand on this topic and someone told me i should

So i might delete this post, and repost it if i can expand on this topic more and make it seem better/more realistic/not fake.

If expanding means making longer, please don't do.
Just try a different topic.
And if you fail at that too, study more poetry I guess? Or just come to the conclusion that you can't write and just quit all together.
Bad grammar usage doesn't help make your poem any better either.

[mick_jagger]

suicide poems aren't supposed to make me laugh, huh...

i'm not exactly sure what makes a good suicide poem anymore since the whole topic feels so cliche thanks to the many, many depressed teenagers we have today. however, as for your writing in general, which is pretty much horrible at this point, i think you should just read more, good poetry, study it and get a feel for what makes it good. after reading good poetry, maybe you'll be able to write good poetry, or at the very least, better than this.

This.

I've also noticed that a lot of younger people, somewhere around my age, most definitely still in high school, like his work. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, but if you're touching on a serious subject and you apply more to a younger age group, who aren't very wise, such as myself, it doesn't feel as serious or appealing because most of us really don't know how the subject feels, as opposed to someone who has lived through more and doesn't think the piece touches very well on the subject. Sorry if part of that didn't make sense, IU got distracted and sort of lost my place.

[Mike Smith]

WRONG.

Only people of that age group would like your poetry, because, like you, they don't know what makes a good poem. You shouldn't just care about whether people like it or not. This isn't entertainment, it's art. With art, you can improve. Betterment of your own skills should be more important than whether someone likes your poem or not.

Oh i know, i didnt mean all that mattered period was he liked the poem, i meant like thats all that mattered was he liked it, so he didnt need to get involved in mine/your convo lol(Cause he was like woww u two ) lol

I definitely am taking everything you guys say and soaking it all into my head and trying to think of better ways to write poems

If expanding means making longer, please don't do.
Just try a different topic.
And if you fail at that too, study more poetry I guess? Or just come to the conclusion that you can't write and just quit all together.
Bad grammar usage doesn't help make your poem any better either.

Have you seen my other stuff i've recently posted? Like the 2 metaphorical poems i've posted? If not please go look, as you might like them better than this as they were more thought out and took me a while to write.(This was thought out for a while, but not as much as the 2 metaphorical poems i';ve posted)

This.

I've also noticed that a lot of younger people, somewhere around my age, most definitely still in high school, like his work. I'm not saying that this is a bad thing, but if you're touching on a serious subject and you apply more to a younger age group, who aren't very wise, such as myself, it doesn't feel as serious or appealing because most of us really don't know how the subject feels, as opposed to someone who has lived through more and doesn't think the piece touches very well on the subject. Sorry if part of that didn't make sense, IU got distracted and sort of lost my place.

True, very true. It makes perfect sense.

[justletgo]

I'm not going to go out of my way to read another one of your poems. Sorry man.

[Mike Smith]

I'm not going to go out of my way to read another one of your poems. Sorry man.

I can assure you the metaphorical ones are a LOT better than this. I put so much time and effort to make them NOT cliche and NOT terrible like some of my other writing

So please at least go read one more poem or song

Either go read my Bartender Pour Me Another Shot song(Its about my friend who cuts herself...but its a metaphorical song), or read The Murder of Love, which is a great metaphorical poem i wrote

I can assure you you should like either one of those a lot better than this poem.

[justletgo]

I can assure you the metaphorical ones are a LOT better than this. I put so much time and effort to make them NOT cliche and NOT terrible like some of my other writing

So please at least go read one more poem or song

Either go read my Bartender Pour Me Another Shot song(Its about my friend who cuts herself...but its a metaphorical song), or read The Murder of Love, which is a great metaphorical poem i wrote

I can assure you you should like either one of those a lot better than this poem.

Just knowing the fact that you think your poems are "great" makes me want to read them even less.

[Mike Smith]

Just knowing the fact that you think your poems are "great" makes me want to read them even less.

Well no when i say great it just means the content of them was more thought out then this one and it took me a while to contrust metaphors that made sense to go along with the topic

So please just read the poem The Murder Of Love

you might like it more than this

[justletgo]

Well no when i say great it just means the content of them was more thought out then this one and it took me a while to contrust metaphors that made sense to go along with the topic

So please just read the poem The Murder Of Love

you might like it more than this

.....?

[BryterJonah]

Everyone's a critic.:whistle:

[Mike Smith]

.....?

lol i meant construct :P

[Mike Smith]

Everyone's a critic.:whistle:

Lol

[The Personist]

I really love it when poets are subtle and don't shove their conceits down your throat.