aftershock of the second hand

[livingalive626]

this song/poem is inspired by one of my best friend's near-fatal atv accident. but honest feedback please.


Aftershock of the Second Hand


funny how the seconds matter
in our disenchanted lives
like the calm before the storm
and now everything is spinning
you’re still breathing
bleeding
im waiting by the phone
unnerving how it hits near home

normality now so far away
run and hide
change your name
no escape

and I wasn’t sleeping this afternoon
but it’s obvious I wasn’t awake
until you called

now blood is rushing to my head
my world is upside down
take the pills, pull the plug
and say something profound
because I never was
im always one to quit
but for you ill try again
just hold on to every moment

[eliselovesmusic]

WOAH this is like the best poem/song/whatever about a phonecall ever! haha I found it eloquent and kind of endearing with out being overly cheesy.

The first stanza is a lil bit cliche for my tastes but the lines "I'm waiting by the phone, unnerving how it hits near home" are quite good.

The last two stanzas are the best as far as I'm concerned :-) BUT I personally think you should change the last line to... er.... something alse haha

Otherwise good job dude

[livingalive626]

thanks much:)

anyone else?