My little DARK poem.

[EmzoidBooshFan]

Hey. I'm new to this. (:
Check this out. Its about a careless schoolboy bully who gets murdered by one of his day to day victims.
Hope you enjoy.
Im new remember! :P


Now you never see her laugh
Hiding everything she ever used to show
All the dreams that she imagined
Are in a girl that now you wouldn’t know

There was a darker side hidden
That only he could unleash
He grabbed the key and opened the door
The darkness now in release

Now he will never know
How he chose his own fate that day
Now He will never know
How the girl then walked away

Guilty and numb
She crept out of her state of mind
When People tried to rescue her
She was too far gone for them to find.

When she looked back upon him
And how fond she used to be
He shouldn’t have looked upon her
As the girl whose ‘a bit freaky’

Tricking and taunting
Didn’t he see her eyes
She didn’t have to lie much though
…I mean ‘Everyone dies’.

With everything now twisted and warped
And I’ll admit its such a shame
Poor boy should have known
That his game just wasn’t a game.



Thanks for reading (: If you got all the way through KUTOS to you!

[Mike Smith]

Wow

Thats a powerful message, and well written i think.

[eliselovesmusic]

I agree with Mike Smith.

woah. Soooo well written for seriously a 15yr old? You put me to shame!!


the last two stanzas were awesome. loved it dude - keep writing!!!

[Kirsty.com]

your fit, can i have your number?

[EmzoidBooshFan]

LMAO KIRSTY!! Yeah, guys i had my Profile set to Male.
Silly me.

[EmzoidBooshFan]

I agree with Mike Smith.

woah. Soooo well written for seriously a 15yr old? You put me to shame!!


the last two stanzas were awesome. loved it dude - keep writing!!!
THANKYOU!! I love writing things. But i always have to make sure they don't sound clee shay. (Dont know how to spell it.) Look at my other stuff.. i mostly try to steer clear of love because its over-done i feel. I write about the problems i see in my life and at the moment a couple of people at my school are turning my friends into people that smoke, drink and are generally bitchy. So, i want to write something about that i'm just unsure what to write. Thanks for your kind comment (:
x

[thespearkid]

Your structure makes this a clunky, annoying read. I cringe on the fourth line of every stanza. A lot of the content was just sort of laughable. Sorry. It just sounds like the awkward ramblings of some kid who would never have the courage to do something like that in real life. For good poetry (technically lyrics but good lyrics are poetry anyway) on this same subject, look up "Brain Damage" by Eminem and if you want to see what really passes for dark poetry, try "Out, Out" by Robert Frost or, better yet, read this:

Flames
By Billy Collins

Smokey the Bear heads
into the autumn woods
with a red can of gasoline
and a box of wooden matches.

His ranger's hat is cocked
at a disturbing angle.

His brown fur gleams
under the high sun
as his paws, the size
of catcher's mitts,
crackle into the distance.

He is sick of dispensing
warnings to the careless,
the half-wit camper,
the dumbbell hiker.

He is going to show them
how a professional does it.

[EmzoidBooshFan]

Your structure makes this a clunky, annoying read. I cringe on the fourth line of every stanza. A lot of the content was just sort of laughable. Sorry. It just sounds like the awkward ramblings of some kid who would never have the courage to do something like that in real life. For good poetry (technically lyrics but good lyrics are poetry anyway) on this same subject, look up "Brain Damage" by Eminem and if you want to see what really passes for dark poetry, try "Out, Out" by Robert Frost or, better yet, read this:

Flames
By Billy Collins

Smokey the Bear heads
into the autumn woods
with a red can of gasoline
and a box of wooden matches.

His ranger's hat is cocked
at a disturbing angle.

His brown fur gleams
under the high sun
as his paws, the size
of catcher's mitts,
crackle into the distance.

He is sick of dispensing
warnings to the careless,
the half-wit camper,
the dumbbell hiker.

He is going to show them
how a professional does it.
Uhh... Sorry about this but i feel you are being a little more than harsh. Im only 15 and am trying my best. 'Cringe?' It isn't THAT bad jesus christ. I hate it when people HATE things so much for NO reason. I would prefer CONSTRUCTIVE critisism not just ripping my own thoughts apart. Please be more tactful next time fgs.

[thespearkid]

Uhh... Sorry about this but i feel you are being a little more than harsh. Im only 15 and am trying my best. 'Cringe?' It isn't THAT bad jesus christ. I hate it when people HATE things so much for NO reason. I would prefer CONSTRUCTIVE critisism not just ripping my own thoughts apart. Please be more tactful next time fgs.
Oh. You're 15 and you're trying your best? In that case, it's the mot amazing thing I've ever read!

Grow up. If it's not good, it is not good.

[AlkalineAshes]

Uhh... Sorry about this but i feel you are being a little more than harsh. Im only 15 and am trying my best. 'Cringe?' It isn't THAT bad jesus christ. I hate it when people HATE things so much for NO reason. I would prefer CONSTRUCTIVE critisism not just ripping my own thoughts apart. Please be more tactful next time fgs.

haha agreed, we dont need to compare you to robert frost. keep it up young writer

[eliselovesmusic]

THANKYOU!! I love writing things. But i always have to make sure they don't sound clee shay. (Dont know how to spell it.) Look at my other stuff.. i mostly try to steer clear of love because its over-done i feel. I write about the problems i see in my life and at the moment a couple of people at my school are turning my friends into people that smoke, drink and are generally bitchy. So, i want to write something about that i'm just unsure what to write. Thanks for your kind comment (:
x

Agreed.


And I sooo know what you mean about the cliche thing haha.... I do believe I'm in the middle of discussing how young writers (eg: us) have a tendency to sound cliche through no fault of our own - it just kinda happens that way, probably because everyone has been a teenager so everyone has heard (and thought) the same old things a million times over which apperently translates to being cliche... I think.....

[The Personist]

I don't get how it's dark...?

[eliselovesmusic]

I don't get how it's dark...?

Yeah I see what you mean... technically I've read darker (cough Wentz cough) but still it's a pretty heavy subject and written in such a way that you don't wanna kill yourself by the end of it which is an achievement in itself I reckon haha

[fishingthe_sky]

Uhh... Sorry about this but i feel you are being a little more than harsh. Im only 15 and am trying my best. 'Cringe?' It isn't THAT bad jesus christ. I hate it when people HATE things so much for NO reason. I would prefer CONSTRUCTIVE critisism not just ripping my own thoughts apart. Please be more tactful next time fgs.
He's not "hating" on it for no reason. Constructive criticism he gives, seeing as how he provided an example of a poem to model your work after if you're attempting "dark" poetry (the Frost poem's a good one, too). Saying "dark" and telling us it's a "dark" poem does not make it a dark poem. It's a very simplistic piece: simplistic rhymes, the imagery is lacking, and the language is flat and boring. I don't think thespearkid is blaming you for this, nor being unnecessarily harsh. He simply has not sugar-coated his criticism. You are young, and do not have the experience with poetry that would lead you out of your simplistic and cliche writing tendencies, and he has been generous enough to provide you with an example of relatively solid poetry to read and digest in order to improve your craft. Constructive criticism is not always nice; in fact, quite often the most constructive criticism is the hardest to swallow.

[EmzoidBooshFan]

Ok. Lets make this extremely clear. I do not want to be a poet. I'm actually a singer but anyway, I just write from what emotions i experiance.. But really i realise it isn't dark at all. I'm sorry if i can't put them emotions into the BEST of words but i think you older people should stop critisizing (yeah i cba to spell check that word) us and instead please comment on people of your own age's work. Us 15 year olds don't MEAN to sound cliche but, we do. Thankyou SO much to everyone who took the time to make useful kind comments and be tactful while doing it. THANKYOU!! x

[anamericangod]

Ok. Lets make this extremely clear. I do not want to be a poet. I'm actually a singer but anyway, I just write from what emotions i experiance.. But really i realise it isn't dark at all. I'm sorry if i can't put them emotions into the BEST of words but i think you older people should stop critisizing (yeah i cba to spell check that word) us and instead please comment on people of your own age's work. Us 15 year olds don't MEAN to sound cliche but, we do. Thankyou SO much to everyone who took the time to make useful kind comments and be tactful while doing it. THANKYOU!! x

The most impressive thing about all of this is that you actually used the word "tactful."

Other than that, it is atrocious.

[fishingthe_sky]

Ok. Lets make this extremely clear. I do not want to be a poet. I'm actually a singer but anyway, I just write from what emotions i experiance.. But really i realise it isn't dark at all. I'm sorry if i can't put them emotions into the BEST of words but i think you older people should stop critisizing (yeah i cba to spell check that word) us and instead please comment on people of your own age's work. Us 15 year olds don't MEAN to sound cliche but, we do. Thankyou SO much to everyone who took the time to make useful kind comments and be tactful while doing it. THANKYOU!! x
Poet, lyricist, doesn't matter. The point is that the only way you're going to improve as a writer is if people give you honest criticism and point out what is and isn't working. No one is asking you to be some prodigy writer, and I think everyone understands that younger writers have the tendency to write in a cliched manner. It's not your fault, no one blames you. You're never going to improve and NOT write this way if the only comments you're willing to accept are the ones from kids your own age saying "this shit is off the hook!" Sure, everyone likes to be told their work is good, but comments like that are superficial - they don't even explain WHY the person making the comment thinks it's so good. That being the case, older writers come here to comment on where we see problems in order to try and call them to your attention so you can grow past these tendencies and hopefully not get the comments anymore. Btw, everyone in here was pretty tactful; you can't say people don't have tact just because they don't say what you want to hear, plus I've seen people be far meaner when it comes to criticizing work.

[Meenaghey Aym]

hey ppl can be less than tactful here. but just like you can tell them dont be so mean. they can tell u dont be so sensative. while i agree he was being a little stern with his critique i also agree with fish. if we want to become better as a writer we have to learn our strengths and weaknesses. a good point in a nother convo just like this was if ppl just told you how good it was for a 15 yr old then you wouldnt try harder... now why i have no ability to tell you where u should change wat all i can say is that is sounds juvenile. and i guess thats ok but ppl who take classes are told by their teachers that there stuff is crappy. I think that if you genuinely want criticism then continue to post and take the criticism. pick it apart take from it wat WILL help you not wat will discourage you. if you just want to post it and have kids ur own age tell you its cool blog it. My writing is far from some of these guys I have no structure no technique nothin but i post here hoping to get a little help so i can work on the clarity of my work.

Btw, everyone in here was pretty tactful; you can't say people don't have tact just because they don't say what you want to hear, plus I've seen people be far meaner when it comes to criticizing work.

yes and no.. yes, maybe ppl cud hav been nicer but no, you cant knock them for not censoring themselves. and yea i have seen ppl be really shitty with their critiques.. and that while a little brash he was still pretty decently NOT shitty, all im saying is sometimes ppl arent gonna say wat you want to hear and you hav to learn to take from it wat WILL help you and disregard wat will not. good luck hun!;-)

[thespearkid]

This forum is starting to get ridiculous so this is going to be the last time I participate in one of these discussion:

This forum is for feedback. If you don't want to hear what anyone and everyone has to say, don't post.

[Meenaghey Aym]

hey ur absolutey right but on the same token if they want to bitch about neg crit then why argue back... not to mention ppl your argueing with kids... prob a good idea spear. lets just drop our opinion and if they dont like it well i guess they can sit in all there childish glory and ignore u. :shrug: i think you were being constructive btw. damn shame they cant see that... give em time maybe?

[EmzoidBooshFan]

Poet, lyricist, doesn't matter. The point is that the only way you're going to improve as a writer is if people give you honest criticism and point out what is and isn't working. No one is asking you to be some prodigy writer, and I think everyone understands that younger writers have the tendency to write in a cliched manner. It's not your fault, no one blames you. You're never going to improve and NOT write this way if the only comments you're willing to accept are the ones from kids your own age saying "this shit is off the hook!" Sure, everyone likes to be told their work is good, but comments like that are superficial - they don't even explain WHY the person making the comment thinks it's so good. That being the case, older writers come here to comment on where we see problems in order to try and call them to your attention so you can grow past these tendencies and hopefully not get the comments anymore. Btw, everyone in here was pretty tactful; you can't say people don't have tact just because they don't say what you want to hear, plus I've seen people be far meaner when it comes to criticizing work.
I see what you mean. That did make me laugh by the way when you said 'this shit is off the hook!!' Haha. But i completely agree with you. Infact your comment is possibly the one that has made the most sence to me so far. Thankyou.

[Kirsty.com]

i like how this girl writes, she is really talented at most things she does really. trust me; youve never heard her sing. and yeah everyone has a way of expressing there feelings and emotions, weather its though writing lyrics, painting a picture or going for a jog, everone does it differently. i agree that this is for getting feedback, but to be honest most of the things said by a few people isnt really feedback, just alot of mean of things being said about something that probably meant alot. i not saying that what emily writes is world class amazing, im just saying its pretty good, and its how she feels. so yeah, back off and give her something she can work with(:

[thespearkid]

Do you guys not even read the feedback posted on your pieces?

[The Personist]

Do you guys not even read the feedback posted on your pieces?

I find myself wondering the same thing.

[Kirsty.com]

Hee She

[JimGray]

Hey, people can be less than tactful here, but just like you can tell them not to be so mean, they can tell you not to be so sensitive. While I agree he was being a little stern with his critique I also agree with fish: if we want to become better as writers, we have to learn our strengths and weaknesses. (Deletion of 10 unnecessary words) If people just told you how good it was for a 15 year old, you may not try harder. Now, I have no authority to tell you where you should change what, but what I can say is that is sounds juvenile. I suppose that is acceptable, however, people taking classes on the subject are taughty their teachers that thereir stuff is poppycock. I think that if you genuinely want criticism, continue to post and take it at face value. Analyze it and take from it what will help you. If you just want to post it and have kids your own age tell you it's dope, post it on a blog. My writing is shit, I have no structure, no idea what I am talking about and no technique, but I post here hoping to get an erection.


Fixed.

[oh_how_lovely]

The repitition is a tad irksome and pay a bit more attention to the rhyme scheme because subsequently it sounds forced and lacks rhythm.

But it was a good try.

[samsara]

Could be cleaned up a bit but rhyming words isnt necessary.

[LoginBanned]

Writing and singing will get you nowhere. Learn web design or accounting, pursue the other things on the side.