Fallegur Álit (In Winter We Read Our Own Books)

[a speedo model]

Something new, finally. I've been absent for a while. This one requires patience.

"Fallegur Álit (In Winter We Read Our Own Books)"

You are rusty kneed, I am losing strength
My twin grey eyes are blurry as the windshield fogs
And she takes every word
Wraps them up like blankets
And recites them for warmth

Underneath our lonely beds, all our thoughts have slipped
Down the sides, through the cracks, they were sorely missed
As our shadows grew like trees, caught in the streetlight glow
“Operator, they told me I’m not welcome back home”

So I followed the airplanes in the sky, until they were stars
Somewhere between the moon and my carpet, I saw a ghost
I heard him whisper to me “Tell me where you are”
Brushing your neck, like the cobwebs we climb through
Then I ran my fingers across the horizon, as if it was a ceiling
And caught the clouds as if they were confetti hovering
If you follow the telephone poles, will you find their end?
Where the signals drop and we can hear our thoughts again

We drift like leaking ships, sleepwalk like spirits down halls
Drag your feet, carry your shoulders, sewn together to stay strong
Down by the lake, we drown our chapped lips
And wash all the salt from our tears, don’t cry anymore
I saw antennas in the air like the forests before
Where kites disappear into soft dreams

On the windshield, we traced our names into the snow
We could hear the cars circle in the mess of avenues
Somewhere, just out of sight, voices rang like telephones
And then I heard you recite a poem I’d written for you
So we hid in the shadows of the buildings
And covered our eyes like we did as kids

As the moon shrinks, I’m left to make shadows across the street
And we’re caught; dancing like all the leaves trying to get free
To be tossed down alleys
Forgotten once our beauty fades with our color

[TK]

Fantastic imagery, I really liked this.

Quote me on this, and I'll leave a detailed response when I'm not so tired.

[n0transitory12]

yea really great imagery; its a long-ish one but it kept me interested start to finish

[bootsydan]

This is more like the Josiah I was expecting the other day when I commented haha. Fantastic.

[cris545]

If you follow the telephone poles, will you find their end?
this reminds me of something :unsure:;-)

[fishingthe_sky]

You are rusty kneed, I am losing strength
My twin grey eyes are blurry as the windshield fogs
And she takes every word
Wraps them up like blankets
And recites them for warmth
I like the phrase "rusty kneed." A great image, not to mention great sounding image. I think "twin" in the second line could be omitted with no ill effect. Do you mean that the girl wraps the words up in blankets? or wraps herself in these words as if they were blankets? or neither? Right now, your image has the girl wrapping up the words like you would wrap up a blanket, which doesn't make sense. Also, shouldn't you keep addressing the girl as "you," not "she"?

Underneath our lonely beds, all our thoughts have slipped
Down the sides, through the cracks, they were sorely missed
As our shadows grew like trees, caught in the streetlight glow
“Operator, they told me I’m not welcome back home”
You flow well from the first stanza to this one, connecting the idea of the blankets to the bed. I am having a little bit of trouble with the second half of this stanza, though. Without any end punctuation, it's nearly impossible to tell if the third line is meant as a continuing thought from the second or if it's a separate idea; if it is the latter, then it's a fragment, not a fully formed idea, and sort of superfluous at this point. Even if it's part of the second line, I'm still not seeing how the image is operating in regards to this stanza and what you have already established.

So I followed the airplanes in the sky, until they were stars
Somewhere between the moon and my carpet, I saw a ghost
I heard him whisper to me “Tell me where you are”
Brushing your neck, like the cobwebs we climb through
Then I ran my fingers across the horizon, as if it was a ceiling
And caught the clouds as if they were confetti hovering
If you follow the telephone poles, will you find their end?
Where the signals drop and we can hear our thoughts again
I think you should get rid of the comma in the first stanza, it would improve the flow of this idea and complement the flow of vision in following these airplanes. A problem similar to the last stanza occurs in the forth line of this stanza: you have this instance of action that seemingly starts from nowhere, and doesn't complete its idea. Who is brushing the neck? The speaker? the ghost? impossible to tell here. I assume it's the speaker, because the next line begins with "Then," but it leaves the action in the line before dangling, almost as if it was strictly a vehicle to make the simile about cobwebs, which makes the simile rather dead here. You do sort of the same thing in the last line. Your language sort of defies the logic you seem to be using. As you have it right now, the last line reads almost as if it should be a question. You're posing a question to someone, then answering it without being prompted by the girl (I think), which makes it an awkward little call and response. If you're keeping it written this way, it should warrant an "it's" coming before "where." I'm also a little on the fence about the order of "confetti hovering." If this is done with the purpose of rhyming with ceiling, then it's fine, but if there's no rhyme-scheme you're going for, I think it sounds better as "hovering confetti." Just my opinion, though.


We drift like leaking ships, sleepwalk like spirits down halls
Drag your feet, carry your shoulders, sewn together to stay strong
Down by the lake, we drown our chapped lips
And wash all the salt from our tears, don’t cry anymore
I saw antennas in the air like the forests before
Where kites disappear into soft dreams
I like the image of sleepwalking spirits. I don't know what's being sewn together, though. The feet and shoulders? the speaker and the girl? You're addressing the girl in this line, so it's not clear as to what exactly is being sewn, unless it is the feet and shoulders, which is just a weird image. I also like the image of kites disappearing into forests. On second thought, I also think this stanza is a bit incongruous with the rest of the poem. You have the characters seemingly stationary, yet now they are drifting, and while this is more than likely a figurative drifting, it defies the rest of the imagery you have in this. Placing them by a lake, regardless of its past tense, also seems to work against the images.

On the windshield, we traced our names into the snow
We could hear the cars circle in the mess of avenues
Somewhere, just out of sight, voices rang like telephones
And then I heard you recite a poem I’d written for you
So we hid in the shadows of the buildings
And covered our eyes like we did as kids
Wait, are the characters inside of the car or outside? It seems as though they are in the car this entire time, but now they're writing their name in snow on the windshield? It was snowing? This is all very confusing. And then, thinking back, what of the image of a ghost between the moon and the carpet? The carpet in the car? No way. I don't believe it.

As the moon shrinks, I’m left to make shadows across the street
And we’re caught; dancing like all the leaves trying to get free
To be tossed down alleys
Forgotten once our beauty fades with our color
Or maybe you are outside? Again, still confused. Also, you once again leave the action dangling without conclussion in the second line. The punctuation really throws out all sense of what is connected to what. Caught doing what? dancing? not according to how you've punctuated this, or at least not directly. I'm sure the two are supposed to go together ("we're caught dancing"), but right now it's just not getting there.



All in all, I like this poem a great deal. There are some solid images, and the progression from beginning to end is smooth for the most part. I'm still wondering a little bit as to the nature of the relationship between the two characters, as it's not totally clear, but I get enough sense of it to know the implications in the final stanza. One of the biggest criticisms I have of this is that you rely far too much on similes. It got tedious to continually see like or as every time you began a metaphor. It took some of the wind out of your images' sails; rather than barring down full steam, the just sort of drift in the stanzas. Not to say they aren't great images, they're just not as powerful as they could be. I would also like to see some end punctuation. At times it would become tricky to decipher exactly where one idea ended and the next idea started. Anyway, thanks for this. I enjoyed reading it, and look forward to reading more.

[a speedo model]

Fantastic imagery, I really liked this.

Quote me on this, and I'll leave a detailed response when I'm not so tired.
Thanks man, glad you enjoyed it.
yea really great imagery; its a long-ish one but it kept me interested start to finish
Yeah, the length is more than I usually write but I didn't want to remove anything.
This is more like the Josiah I was expecting the other day when I commented haha. Fantastic.
:-) haha, thank you. I have no clue why my pieces get bumped that was like the 4th.
this reminds me of something :unsure:;-)
Such as? Hmmmmm
You are rusty kneed, I am losing strength
My twin grey eyes are blurry as the windshield fogs
And she takes every word
Wraps them up like blankets
And recites them for warmth
I like the phrase "rusty kneed." A great image, not to mention great sounding image. I think "twin" in the second line could be omitted with no ill effect. Do you mean that the girl wraps the words up in blankets? or wraps herself in these words as if they were blankets? or neither? Right now, your image has the girl wrapping up the words like you would wrap up a blanket, which doesn't make sense. Also, shouldn't you keep addressing the girl as "you," not "she"?

Underneath our lonely beds, all our thoughts have slipped
Down the sides, through the cracks, they were sorely missed
As our shadows grew like trees, caught in the streetlight glow
“Operator, they told me I’m not welcome back home”
You flow well from the first stanza to this one, connecting the idea of the blankets to the bed. I am having a little bit of trouble with the second half of this stanza, though. Without any end punctuation, it's nearly impossible to tell if the third line is meant as a continuing thought from the second or if it's a separate idea; if it is the latter, then it's a fragment, not a fully formed idea, and sort of superfluous at this point. Even if it's part of the second line, I'm still not seeing how the image is operating in regards to this stanza and what you have already established.

So I followed the airplanes in the sky, until they were stars
Somewhere between the moon and my carpet, I saw a ghost
I heard him whisper to me “Tell me where you are”
Brushing your neck, like the cobwebs we climb through
Then I ran my fingers across the horizon, as if it was a ceiling
And caught the clouds as if they were confetti hovering
If you follow the telephone poles, will you find their end?
Where the signals drop and we can hear our thoughts again
I think you should get rid of the comma in the first stanza, it would improve the flow of this idea and complement the flow of vision in following these airplanes. A problem similar to the last stanza occurs in the forth line of this stanza: you have this instance of action that seemingly starts from nowhere, and doesn't complete its idea. Who is brushing the neck? The speaker? the ghost? impossible to tell here. I assume it's the speaker, because the next line begins with "Then," but it leaves the action in the line before dangling, almost as if it was strictly a vehicle to make the simile about cobwebs, which makes the simile rather dead here. You do sort of the same thing in the last line. Your language sort of defies the logic you seem to be using. As you have it right now, the last line reads almost as if it should be a question. You're posing a question to someone, then answering it without being prompted by the girl (I think), which makes it an awkward little call and response. If you're keeping it written this way, it should warrant an "it's" coming before "where." I'm also a little on the fence about the order of "confetti hovering." If this is done with the purpose of rhyming with ceiling, then it's fine, but if there's no rhyme-scheme you're going for, I think it sounds better as "hovering confetti." Just my opinion, though.


We drift like leaking ships, sleepwalk like spirits down halls
Drag your feet, carry your shoulders, sewn together to stay strong
Down by the lake, we drown our chapped lips
And wash all the salt from our tears, don’t cry anymore
I saw antennas in the air like the forests before
Where kites disappear into soft dreams
I like the image of sleepwalking spirits. I don't know what's being sewn together, though. The feet and shoulders? the speaker and the girl? You're addressing the girl in this line, so it's not clear as to what exactly is being sewn, unless it is the feet and shoulders, which is just a weird image. I also like the image of kites disappearing into forests. On second thought, I also think this stanza is a bit incongruous with the rest of the poem. You have the characters seemingly stationary, yet now they are drifting, and while this is more than likely a figurative drifting, it defies the rest of the imagery you have in this. Placing them by a lake, regardless of its past tense, also seems to work against the images.

On the windshield, we traced our names into the snow
We could hear the cars circle in the mess of avenues
Somewhere, just out of sight, voices rang like telephones
And then I heard you recite a poem I’d written for you
So we hid in the shadows of the buildings
And covered our eyes like we did as kids
Wait, are the characters inside of the car or outside? It seems as though they are in the car this entire time, but now they're writing their name in snow on the windshield? It was snowing? This is all very confusing. And then, thinking back, what of the image of a ghost between the moon and the carpet? The carpet in the car? No way. I don't believe it.

As the moon shrinks, I’m left to make shadows across the street
And we’re caught; dancing like all the leaves trying to get free
To be tossed down alleys
Forgotten once our beauty fades with our color
Or maybe you are outside? Again, still confused. Also, you once again leave the action dangling without conclussion in the second line. The punctuation really throws out all sense of what is connected to what. Caught doing what? dancing? not according to how you've punctuated this, or at least not directly. I'm sure the two are supposed to go together ("we're caught dancing"), but right now it's just not getting there.



All in all, I like this poem a great deal. There are some solid images, and the progression from beginning to end is smooth for the most part. I'm still wondering a little bit as to the nature of the relationship between the two characters, as it's not totally clear, but I get enough sense of it to know the implications in the final stanza. One of the biggest criticisms I have of this is that you rely far too much on similes. It got tedious to continually see like or as every time you began a metaphor. It took some of the wind out of your images' sails; rather than barring down full steam, the just sort of drift in the stanzas. Not to say they aren't great images, they're just not as powerful as they could be. I would also like to see some end punctuation. At times it would become tricky to decipher exactly where one idea ended and the next idea started. Anyway, thanks for this. I enjoyed reading it, and look forward to reading more.

Thanks for the detailed feedback, I don't have time to go through this and respond to each point but I will. Later tonight. Thanks again, for reading and responding.

Cheers, lads.

[a speedo model]

You are rusty kneed, I am losing strength
My twin grey eyes are blurry as the windshield fogs
And she takes every word
Wraps them up like blankets
And recites them for warmth
I like the phrase "rusty kneed." A great image, not to mention great sounding image. I think "twin" in the second line could be omitted with no ill effect. Do you mean that the girl wraps the words up in blankets? or wraps herself in these words as if they were blankets? or neither? Right now, your image has the girl wrapping up the words like you would wrap up a blanket, which doesn't make sense. Also, shouldn't you keep addressing the girl as "you," not "she"?
For some reason, the word "twin" there always added more to me. It seems to be a bit, obvious perhaps, but for some reason it's always added more imagery or made it feel richer for me anyhoo. My intention was that she wraps herself up in words as if they blankets.

When I switch from "you" and "she" it's almost shifting subtly from speaking in ones head or making observations.

Underneath our lonely beds, all our thoughts have slipped
Down the sides, through the cracks, they were sorely missed
As our shadows grew like trees, caught in the streetlight glow
“Operator, they told me I’m not welcome back home”
You flow well from the first stanza to this one, connecting the idea of the blankets to the bed. I am having a little bit of trouble with the second half of this stanza, though. Without any end punctuation, it's nearly impossible to tell if the third line is meant as a continuing thought from the second or if it's a separate idea; if it is the latter, then it's a fragment, not a fully formed idea, and sort of superfluous at this point. Even if it's part of the second line, I'm still not seeing how the image is operating in regards to this stanza and what you have already established.

I understand how the four lines seem to be two separate thoughts. It shifts, I tend to do that with my writing for kicks. The last line doesn't feel related but I always loved how it shifted the imagery from the first stanza which is more on warmth and comfort, where this shifts towards loneliness.

So I followed the airplanes in the sky, until they were stars
Somewhere between the moon and my carpet, I saw a ghost
I heard him whisper to me “Tell me where you are”
Brushing your neck, like the cobwebs we climb through
Then I ran my fingers across the horizon, as if it was a ceiling
And caught the clouds as if they were confetti hovering
If you follow the telephone poles, will you find their end?
Where the signals drop and we can hear our thoughts again
I think you should get rid of the comma in the first stanza, it would improve the flow of this idea and complement the flow of vision in following these airplanes. A problem similar to the last stanza occurs in the forth line of this stanza: you have this instance of action that seemingly starts from nowhere, and doesn't complete its idea. Who is brushing the neck? The speaker? the ghost? impossible to tell here. I assume it's the speaker, because the next line begins with "Then," but it leaves the action in the line before dangling, almost as if it was strictly a vehicle to make the simile about cobwebs, which makes the simile rather dead here. You do sort of the same thing in the last line. Your language sort of defies the logic you seem to be using. As you have it right now, the last line reads almost as if it should be a question. You're posing a question to someone, then answering it without being prompted by the girl (I think), which makes it an awkward little call and response. If you're keeping it written this way, it should warrant an "it's" coming before "where." I'm also a little on the fence about the order of "confetti hovering." If this is done with the purpose of rhyming with ceiling, then it's fine, but if there's no rhyme-scheme you're going for, I think it sounds better as "hovering confetti." Just my opinion, though.

The wording is intentionally confusing, I write knowing exactly what I mean but do not wish to make it...easy for others. I like ambiguity to my writing. This isn't an excuse but more trying to explain how the wording seems a bit, different. The last line isn't an answer, or meant to be response. You could almost say it's a continuation of the question "If you follow the telephone poles, will you find there end where the signals drop and we hear our thoughts again?" If that makes sense..
I do agree, I like hovering confetti. I actually added hovering after the line was written and new it needed to fit better. I prefer hovering confetti in retrospect though, thank you.

We drift like leaking ships, sleepwalk like spirits down halls
Drag your feet, carry your shoulders, sewn together to stay strong
Down by the lake, we drown our chapped lips
And wash all the salt from our tears, don’t cry anymore
I saw antennas in the air like the forests before
Where kites disappear into soft dreams
I like the image of sleepwalking spirits. I don't know what's being sewn together, though. The feet and shoulders? the speaker and the girl? You're addressing the girl in this line, so it's not clear as to what exactly is being sewn, unless it is the feet and shoulders, which is just a weird image. I also like the image of kites disappearing into forests. On second thought, I also think this stanza is a bit incongruous with the rest of the poem. You have the characters seemingly stationary, yet now they are drifting, and while this is more than likely a figurative drifting, it defies the rest of the imagery you have in this. Placing them by a lake, regardless of its past tense, also seems to work against the images.

The down by the lake line has been the one I've been on the fence with the most in the whole piece, I love the image and idea behind it, also how it connects but think the shift does feel out of nowhere.

The being sewn together is referring to her as a whole. Drag your feet, carry your shoulders, you are sewn together to stay strong, in a sense. It's a comment on how the character is loosely held together.

On the windshield, we traced our names into the snow
We could hear the cars circle in the mess of avenues
Somewhere, just out of sight, voices rang like telephones
And then I heard you recite a poem I’d written for you
So we hid in the shadows of the buildings
And covered our eyes like we did as kids
Wait, are the characters inside of the car or outside? It seems as though they are in the car this entire time, but now they're writing their name in snow on the windshield? It was snowing? This is all very confusing. And then, thinking back, what of the image of a ghost between the moon and the carpet? The carpet in the car? No way. I don't believe it.

This poem is never meant to be about a single night or event, but more a reflection on their lives together and the events they experienced together. This is switching to a new moment, a different setting. The poem switches very quickly, which I think adds to it.

As the moon shrinks, I’m left to make shadows across the street
And we’re caught; dancing like all the leaves trying to get free
To be tossed down alleys
Forgotten once our beauty fades with our color
Or maybe you are outside? Again, still confused. Also, you once again leave the action dangling without conclussion in the second line. The punctuation really throws out all sense of what is connected to what. Caught doing what? dancing? not according to how you've punctuated this, or at least not directly. I'm sure the two are supposed to go together ("we're caught dancing"), but right now it's just not getting there.



All in all, I like this poem a great deal. There are some solid images, and the progression from beginning to end is smooth for the most part. I'm still wondering a little bit as to the nature of the relationship between the two characters, as it's not totally clear, but I get enough sense of it to know the implications in the final stanza. One of the biggest criticisms I have of this is that you rely far too much on similes. It got tedious to continually see like or as every time you began a metaphor. It took some of the wind out of your images' sails; rather than barring down full steam, the just sort of drift in the stanzas. Not to say they aren't great images, they're just not as powerful as they could be. I would also like to see some end punctuation. At times it would become tricky to decipher exactly where one idea ended and the next idea started. Anyway, thanks for this. I enjoyed reading it, and look forward to reading more.

Again, this is a new break and a different moment. They are meant to be caught dancing, the punctuation leaves a bit of ambiguity to whether perhaps they were caught in another way? I hate giving stuff away but I enjoy making the meaning a bit confusing, they could be caught dancing, or caught on place and stuck. It's...hard to explain, but I prefer these methods to making things obvious or straight-forward. Not sure why, haha.

Thank you again, for taking the time to give this a good read and feedback. Means a lot, man.

Cheers.

[fishingthe_sky]

Hmmm, you make a good argument, I'll give you that. But there are a few parts of your defense that don't set right with me. I guess the first one I'll mention is that your argument for multiple moments happening here doesn't really hold water with me. Your intention does not come out in the language. You give no sense of temporal shifts, and you maintain the car imagery throughout the entire thing, which really does encapsulate the poem to one moment. You just don't move this well enough for a sense of multiplicity to exist. What shifts you do have don't quite add anything, either; instead, they merely disorient the scene that you have going on already. I also don't quite agree with your use of shifting language. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for asking the reader to dig a little deeper, but some of these shifts are really aren't about contemplation but about confusion. If you're going to bury a meaning in ambiguity, you have to make the confusion that comes with it worthwhile for the reader. Take the operator line, for example: it sounds nice, but it doesn't do anything here but sound nice. Contemplating it doesn't really yield anything important to the poem, and the confusion doesn't end up worth the time put in to the line. The lake image, while you are attached to it, maybe shouldn't be here; it may just be too much. I mean, really, you have a great scene (or set of scenes, as you see it) here, and the lake just sort of jars the whole thing out of sorts. The sewn line could be a little clearer to indicate your meaning; I see what you were doing there, but I didn't quite get there after a few readings. That may just be me, though.

I think the biggest thing is that your attempt to have many scenes take place here does not shine through at all. I think that, instead, you have created a poem that captures a moment very beautifully, and that you should work on that, rather than try to push this into a realm that it's not already operating at.

Thanks for giving the time to clarify. I see where you were going with this better now, and while I may not agree with your intentions, I still laud the effort. This is one of the best pieces I've seen in this forum.

[matt_rawlings]

There is no fault I can pick with this, it has completely blown me away.

So much so, that I have actually written three lines of this in my quote book (a leather bound note book my grandmother bought me in which I write profound sentences I find in poems, books, academic journals and films). Feel honoured good sir, and feel blessed that you can write like this

[matt_rawlings]

You are rusty kneed, I am losing strength


I saw antennas in the air like the forests before
Where kites disappear into soft dreams


We could hear the cars circle in the mess of avenues


So we hid in the shadows of the buildings




Make that four lines...god this is all so good. I'm actually proud of you

[a speedo model]

Hmmm, you make a good argument, I'll give you that. But there are a few parts of your defense that don't set right with me. I guess the first one I'll mention is that your argument for multiple moments happening here doesn't really hold water with me. Your intention does not come out in the language. You give no sense of temporal shifts, and you maintain the car imagery throughout the entire thing, which really does encapsulate the poem to one moment. You just don't move this well enough for a sense of multiplicity to exist. What shifts you do have don't quite add anything, either; instead, they merely disorient the scene that you have going on already. I also don't quite agree with your use of shifting language. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for asking the reader to dig a little deeper, but some of these shifts are really aren't about contemplation but about confusion. If you're going to bury a meaning in ambiguity, you have to make the confusion that comes with it worthwhile for the reader. Take the operator line, for example: it sounds nice, but it doesn't do anything here but sound nice. Contemplating it doesn't really yield anything important to the poem, and the confusion doesn't end up worth the time put in to the line. The lake image, while you are attached to it, maybe shouldn't be here; it may just be too much. I mean, really, you have a great scene (or set of scenes, as you see it) here, and the lake just sort of jars the whole thing out of sorts. The sewn line could be a little clearer to indicate your meaning; I see what you were doing there, but I didn't quite get there after a few readings. That may just be me, though.

I think the biggest thing is that your attempt to have many scenes take place here does not shine through at all. I think that, instead, you have created a poem that captures a moment very beautifully, and that you should work on that, rather than try to push this into a realm that it's not already operating at.

Thanks for giving the time to clarify. I see where you were going with this better now, and while I may not agree with your intentions, I still laud the effort. This is one of the best pieces I've seen in this forum.
Thank you, I know the switching of scenes can confuse and cause some of the images to feel disconnected. Sorry, for that. But thank you for reading and taking time to give me feedback. It really does mean a lot.

Sometimes, my work doesn't appeal to all, haha. Can't complain, taste is taste. Thank you.
There is no fault I can pick with this, it has completely blown me away.

So much so, that I have actually written three lines of this in my quote book (a leather bound note book my grandmother bought me in which I write profound sentences I find in poems, books, academic journals and films). Feel honoured good sir, and feel blessed that you can write like this
Damn, thank you, Matt. Glad to hear it, as you know I respect your opinion greatly. Glad I received the honors.
Make that four lines...god this is all so good. I'm actually proud of you
:-) One of those actually didn't make the piece, I loved it but feared it seemed too...familiar? I came close to removing it but loved it too much to. Thank you for your kind words, man.

[eliselovesmusic]

"Oi Dylan! Check out this poem I found called Fallegur Alit!"









hehehe