Fingerprints (a poem)

[NicoleMariex3]

about a broken home through an outside perspective... and about my sincere hero....

You never even gave her a chance…
all of her life, her youth, her innocence….
gone.
without a hand to hold dear when hers are shaking cold
… what have you done to her?

she’s beautiful
but you rouge her in sin
she’s growing
and you have her restrained
she’s scared
and you make her more fearful
she’s yours….
or under your iron thumb?

she cries herself to sleep
if she can sleep…
because insomnia creeps in
she sits up, awake, staring out the window
her heart emptied of a soul
… did you take that from her, too?

she’s still hurting,
do you know?
she’s still bleeding,
do you care?
she’s still alone,
are you home?

mold her
while the clay is still fresh
was her best was not good enough for you?
… well, that’s you, and only you.

[fishingthe_sky]

The bolding and italicizing doesn't bode well, here and ever. Let your pieces be without this unnecessary emphasis. If it has power it will come out on it's own, not through your attempts to force it upon us.

Rouge is a word that denotes a color, and does not work as a verb. Rogue, which what you may be trying to say, also does not work as a verb in this context.

[NicoleMariex3]

The bolding and italicizing doesn't bode well, here and ever. Let your pieces be without this unnecessary emphasis. If it has power it will come out on it's own, not through your attempts to force it upon us.

Rouge is a word that denotes a color, and does not work as a verb. Rogue, which what you may be trying to say, also does not work as a verb in this context.

fair enough.
While I do agree that the bolding and italicizing is unnecessary, it holds the attention of people who tend to open these posts and skim through it.

I had a feeling that rouge wouldn't work...
One of my favorite thoughts, which was originally stated by Arthur Miller, claims that people tend to rouge their enemies, almost always of the female variety, sexual sin... or at least that's what I assumed the word was... Do you have a better suggestion for the word?

[NicoleMariex3]

However, as far as the emphisis goes, Emily Dickinson had unnecessary capitalization and punctuation in all of her works, and when they were reprinted prior to the 1950s, they edited her works... Once the original copies of her poetry were found, people found her to be decades ahead of her time... Now I am not in any way saying I am as good as Dickinson, but just to put it out there....

[fishingthe_sky]

fair enough.
While I do agree that the bolding and italicizing is unnecessary, it holds the attention of people who tend to open these posts and skim through it.

I had a feeling that rouge wouldn't work...
One of my favorite thoughts, which was originally stated by Arthur Miller, claims that people tend to rouge their enemies, almost always of the female variety, sexual sin... or at least that's what I assumed the word was... Do you have a better suggestion for the word?
It may make it stand out visually upon first glance, but after that it only hinders the piece from speaking for itself. You're trying to make the work speak in ways that it doesn't want to on its own by trying to influence readers this way. If we're judging on covers, your technique put me off because you're trying too hard to grab my attention initially; once I settled into you piece, I was further put off because you continually tried to hammer home your meaning.

I've never heard that quote by Miller, and your explanation didn't clear up the meaning, unless he was using it as his own unique neologism. Have you looked up the words meaning? (That's an earnest question, not me being a dick). I don't want to step on your creative toes, but I would say that you should think about what Miller's quote meant in your mind, and try to come up with a synonym for rouge.

However, as far as the emphisis goes, Emily Dickinson had unnecessary capitalization and punctuation in all of her works, and when they were reprinted prior to the 1950s, they edited her works... Once the original copies of her poetry were found, people found her to be decades ahead of her time... Now I am not in any way saying I am as good as Dickinson, but just to put it out there....
You make a good point, and I'm familiar with what you're speaking of here. Do keep in mind, though, that Dickinson was writing at a time when poetry was steeped in the emphatic. Her body of work is very impressive and influential, but is also not the best model to follow as a contemporary writer; much has been done with poetry since the late 1800's, and this sort of emphasis has become a rather obsolete mode. Or rather, it requires an incredible skill to make it be effective and powerful (certainly a skill I am not trying to claim I have).

[NicoleMariex3]

This is, quite sincerely, my first poem. I was not following Dickinson's format, I just found it to be a good comparison... I have absolutely no skill at all. If the bolds and italicization detract from the meaning, I will remove it. They are not important to the poem..

The Miller quote was not necessecarily word for word, and it was to mean that, regardless of promiscuity, the first word out of almost any individual's mouth is how much of a "slut" his or her enemy is... I want to convey the fact that, though she is innocent, the antagonist is claiming she is tainted...

This was supposed to be a heartfelt message to a friend in need, to say that I see what she's going through... If this poem does not convey that, I have no problem with revision.

[fishingthe_sky]

This is, quite sincerely, my first poem. I was not following Dickinson's format, I just found it to be a good comparison... I have absolutely no skill at all. If the bolds and italicization detract from the meaning, I will remove it. They are not important to the poem..

The Miller quote was not necessecarily word for word, and it was to mean that, regardless of promiscuity, the first word out of almost any individual's mouth is how much of a "slut" his or her enemy is... I want to convey the fact that, though she is innocent, the antagonist is claiming she is tainted...

This was supposed to be a heartfelt message to a friend in need, to say that I see what she's going through... If this poem does not convey that, I have no problem with revision.
Well, first, let me say I wasn't trying to be a jerk and hound you or anything. It was all in good fun, I promise.

With this Miller quote, I think there are better ways to say that, because it seems like a rather obscure idea and I don't think many, if not most, people will get it.

The poem does very much convey what you say it's about, so there's no need of revision of the overall content. I think that the repeated questions get a little tedious, though, and you could work in the angry without repeatedly asking rhetorical questions. I think the "she's yours" part in the second stanza would be better as "she's yours/ under your iron thumb?" There, the question operates effectively without the dichotomy placed so obviously.

Welcome.

[NicoleMariex3]

awesome, thanks for all the help.
is this any better?

You never even gave her a chance…
all of her life, her youth, her innocence….
gone.
without a hand to hold dear when hers are shaking cold
… what have you done to her?

she’s beautiful, untainted
your image of her far is from the truth
she’s growing
you keep her restrained
she’s scared
you make her more fearful
she’s yours...
under your iron thumb

she cries herself to sleep
if she can sleep…
because insomnia creeps in
she sits up, awake, staring out the window
her heart emptied of a soul
… did you take that from her, too?

she’s still hurting,
do you know?
she’s still bleeding,
do you care?
she’s still alone,
are you home?

mold her
while the clay is still fresh
was her best was not good enough for you?
… well, that’s you, and only you.