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[livingalive626]

this is basically the present story of my life. i swear, it's not over-dramatic. its really how i feel, and how it is. so if you're interested, read it. and even if you aren't, give it a critique anyways lol.


you're the first time love has found it's way
into the passenger seat of my car
roll down the windows, lack of air
i can barely breathe

now take a drive to the park
and i know the sunshine
is just for us
cause it's been overcast for weeks
and i haven't heard my heartbeat
till today

so im shedding all the make-up
hoping that you didn't see
i can be nothing but real around you
plastic has a way of melting in your presense

how fast can 3 hours pass?
we're setting records here
and mine keeps skipping
fumbling for words
but somehow you make sense of them

and im holding onto every breath you take, every move you make
and everything you say
ill play them back in my mind tonight
but so damn imperfectly

the melodies drifting from my guitar
(screaming more than i know how)
are meant to reach your heart
but you guard it so, so well
it's walls have never been breached

i pull out my journal
(so incomplete)
and pretend that every entry
is not about you
flipping through pages
you love my poetry
and i have a feeling
the smile that crossed my face
must have been ridiculous to see

now a few last moments
God, don't let this end!
but i've found
the sun won't stand still for me

so driving home
the city lights seem like
candles
funny how i've turned my back
on the brightest flame
i can only hope
and maybe bring myself to pray
that you'll return my love someday
i swear ill stay with you forever.


(alt ending) ??

so driving home
the city lights seem like
candies
funny how i've turned my back
on the sweetest flame
i can only hope
and maybe bring myself to pray
that you'll return my love someday
i swear ill stay with you forever.

[fishingthe_sky]

"you're the first time love has found it's way
into the passenger seat of my car"

"but i've found
the sun won't stand still for me

so driving home
the city lights seem like
candles"

These parts were my favorites. In that last bit, I read "candles" as "candies" and I was sad when I realized I was wrong. What a fantastic and whimsical image that would have been (might I suggest you steal that idea, which would give you a fresh and unique image that would instantly amplify the quality of this). While these lines don't necessarily break new ground, they strike me in a way that makes me have to praise them. Perhaps they've been written before in a similar way, but they nonetheless made me reread them.

As far as the rest of it goes, it sort of degraded as it went on. It's got its melodramatic parts, but your disclaimer sort of hinted at this, so I was prepared for it, and it could be much worse. As a generality, this suffers because it's so personal and rather confessional, which is where this melodrama comes from. I have to suggestions: first, step back from it and consider reading this from an outsider's perspective (a difficult task, but certainly doable). Look at what parts would make you, as an observer, think this was getting cheesy or overwrought with lovey-dovey emotive language, then try to reformulate it in ways that would make you more at ease with the way the sentiment is coming across. After that, consider transferring what you have left into a song format, where some of the more emotive and personal parts have more of a fitting place.

[livingalive626]

"you're the first time love has found it's way
into the passenger seat of my car"

"but i've found
the sun won't stand still for me

so driving home
the city lights seem like
candles"

These parts were my favorites. In that last bit, I read "candles" as "candies" and I was sad when I realized I was wrong. What a fantastic and whimsical image that would have been (might I suggest you steal that idea, which would give you a fresh and unique image that would instantly amplify the quality of this). While these lines don't necessarily break new ground, they strike me in a way that makes me have to praise them. Perhaps they've been written before in a similar way, but they nonetheless made me reread them.

As far as the rest of it goes, it sort of degraded as it went on. It's got its melodramatic parts, but your disclaimer sort of hinted at this, so I was prepared for it, and it could be much worse. As a generality, this suffers because it's so personal and rather confessional, which is where this melodrama comes from. I have to suggestions: first, step back from it and consider reading this from an outsider's perspective (a difficult task, but certainly doable). Look at what parts would make you, as an observer, think this was getting cheesy or overwrought with lovey-dovey emotive language, then try to reformulate it in ways that would make you more at ease with the way the sentiment is coming across. After that, consider transferring what you have left into a song format, where some of the more emotive and personal parts have more of a fitting place.

haha well that is an interesting idea...my only concern there is that it might possibly take away from the overall somberness of the piece? (changing the image to "candies" that is). i agree it would be a great mental picture... but im not sure if i feel it works here.
and for the praise, thank you.
i agree they don't break new ground...but ive found that extremely difficult to do when im writing(as you said) such an emotional and confessional piece. i've been in love with this incredibly amazing and pure girl for about 4 years now... and she's never returned it. we're simply best friends. so the other day we went to the park together and talked for 3 hours... and thats what inspired this. every one of those "dramatic" parts are really actual feelings... not jus lovey-dovey filler.
but i do understand how a reader could get nauseated from it... so i'll do what you suggested and look outside myself when writing things i want other people to read.
and an example of a melodramatic part in this piece im guessing is "falling into the ocean of your eyes" ? i totally see that. ill delete that part altogether. its not really even vital there.
and anyways, as always thanks for the honest words.

[Meenaghey Aym]

yes its very pesonal but i didnt find it nauseating. like my favorite song of all time is Edwin McCain - I Could Not Ask For More... its sappy and cliched... but a really beautiful piece lyrically and musically. as such i think this would work well as a song. even if it is long. Something Corporate's Konstantine is long and melodramatic like ur piece. but its really pretty and soothing. if you keep it as a poem then yea i guess the melodramatic parts cud detract. but as a song keep all the sappy sentimental content. yea u cud make them more unique... so think of this, if you were writing a song for a girl who you loved oh so much you would want it to be something beautiful. most of my lyrics that i have written in the past are sappy loved songs. its hard to make them not cliched but i try my best. and the difference in a cliched pop song and a beautiful love song is that if you can make someone feel the emotion... maybe even cry from it. then its beautiful.

[livingalive626]

yes its very pesonal but i didnt find it nauseating. like my favorite song of all time is Edwin McCain - I Could Not Ask For More... its sappy and cliched... but a really beautiful piece lyrically and musically. as such i think this would work well as a song. even if it is long. Something Corporate's Konstantine is long and melodramatic like ur piece. but its really pretty and soothing. if you keep it as a poem then yea i guess the melodramatic parts cud detract. but as a song keep all the sappy sentimental content. yea u cud make them more unique... so think of this, if you were writing a song for a girl who you loved oh so much you would want it to be something beautiful. most of my lyrics that i have written in the past are sappy loved songs. its hard to make them not cliched but i try my best. and the difference in a cliched pop song and a beautiful love song is that if you can make someone feel the emotion... maybe even cry from it. then its beautiful.

well thank you.
and so true about the song bit... like you might have picked up, im doing alot of experimental stuff, combining acoustic guitar and electric to form some very beautiful if not sad and melancholy sounding stuff... and taking that and putting it to a poem like this either in simply spoken word form, or sung as a ballad without a chorus...
does that sound like it would work/ interest you?

[Meenaghey Aym]

well i love acoustic and even more i like to put electric leads in my music. so by all means that sounds great. songs dont need a chorus to be outstanding. Konstatine would still be great if they didnt repeat the "chorus" i am really cuious to hear this one. work on it and let me know if you ever get a rough recording. that is if you even turn it fully into a song. the only bit i wud cahnge is maybe make the song more nique to you. think of new ways to say certain things.. i will put up a love song here in a minute check mine out and lemme know wat ya think!

[livingalive626]

well i love acoustic and even more i like to put electric leads in my music. so by all means that sounds great. songs dont need a chorus to be outstanding. Konstatine would still be great if they didnt repeat the "chorus" i am really cuious to hear this one. work on it and let me know if you ever get a rough recording. that is if you even turn it fully into a song. the only bit i wud cahnge is maybe make the song more nique to you. think of new ways to say certain things.. i will put up a love song here in a minute check mine out and lemme know wat ya think!


well im working on saving up for some recording stuff.... but i hope to asap! ill def let you know

[eliselovesmusic]

I actually really like this. I don't know why so I can't give any insightful meaningful critique sorry.

I'm sooooooooooooooo over people saying that love songs/poetry (whether it be real love or just infactuation) are cliche!!!
Of course it's "cliche" but that doesn't make it bad. I mean if someone wrote out the lyrics to Lennon's "Love" people would probably bash him because sure it technically sounds cliche - BUT that doesn't mean it's insincere or bad and to me feeling something is sincere can make a song great. Any love song to me is beautiful because it does really take some bravery to open your heart so readily (especially if it's on the internet).

So anyway now I've had my little bitch for the day, I'll end on saying I really like the first two lines. It's like you're saying that the girl in your passenger seat is love. It makes me smile tehe :rolleyes:

[The Personist]

I actually really like this. I don't know why so I can't give any insightful meaningful critique sorry.

I'm sooooooooooooooo over people saying that love songs/poetry (whether it be real love or just infactuation) are cliche!!!
Of course it's "cliche" but that doesn't make it bad. I mean if someone wrote out the lyrics to Lennon's "Love" people would probably bash him because sure it technically sounds cliche - BUT that doesn't mean it's insincere or bad and to me feeling something is sincere can make a song great. Any love song to me is beautiful because it does really take some bravery to open your heart so readily (especially if it's on the internet).

So anyway now I've had my little bitch for the day, I'll end on saying I really like the first two lines. It's like you're saying that the girl in your passenger seat is love. It makes me smile tehe :rolleyes:

There are songs out there that discuss love in interesting and innovative ways, though. "Red Right Ankle" by the Decemberists is brilliant, and treats love in a way that I've never thought of before.

[eliselovesmusic]

There are songs out there that discuss love in interesting and innovative ways, though. "Red Right Ankle" by the Decemberists is brilliant, and treats love in a way that I've never thought of before.


I haven't heard that song but I see what you mean. But until everybody who feels love starts writing about it in different and innovative ways, it still gets really tiresome hearing most love song being labeled as cliche.