Commute

[matt_rawlings]

Commute



While the road gave up its ghosts
The steam rose further into fog
Making shards of passers by
Each sequined line of passing cars

As I held my breath, they slowed to a stop

Weaving glass in coffee houses
Tracing the watch strap around my wrist
An evening lull, old yawning echoes
I cast my mind to what I’ve missed

As I rewind myself, it all becomes too much

While the tread marks turned to canyons
Each skipping second stayed and watched a little while

Sliding back into the doldrums
Slipping further from the morning
Stepping back into the aimless day-to-day

Someone tell me where to park this bag of bones
...

[bootsydan]

New Matt and Josiah pieces in the same week? What's going on!

This was really good.

I only have two qualms.

1) I don't understand what is meant by the very first line.
2) I don't understand what is meant by 'weaving glass'.

Otherwise I really liked it.

[matt_rawlings]

New Matt and Josiah pieces in the same week? What's going on!

This was really good.

I only have two qualms.

1) I don't understand what is meant by the very first line.
2) I don't understand what is meant by 'weaving glass'.

Otherwise I really liked it.

The first line is an allusion to a line in the book "I, Lucifer" by Glen Duncan in which he is seeing the earth for the first time through a persons eyes. Alot of the song is taken from being stuck in traffic on a shitty day, and I noticed the shimmering surface of the asphalt and steam rising up from the drains and gutters. The "Ghosts" could either be the mirages and steam of the road or the road letting me know how it's feeling...

The "Weaving Glass" is in reference to a coffee house I visited withmy girlfriend which had walls made entirely of glass that were warped and wrapped around struts and pillars...kind of like this weird, trendy modern art coffee house that was entirely populated by hipsters with laptops.

[fishingthe_sky]

While the road gave up its ghosts
The steam rose further into fog
I'm not sure about the image behind these lines. If there's fog, then it doesn't seem likely there would be steam, and even if there's enough heat to create steam, without the sun it wouldn't be possible to see the steam. Perhaps I'm being too literal-minded about it, but the ideas, while similar, are contrasting by nature. I also think that the second line sort of hampers the potential of the imagery in the first line. Instead of letting the ghosts be foggy mysteries, you sort of spell out what you were implying in the first line.
Making shards of passers by
Each sequined line of passing cars
I like the duplicity of these lines. Expertly phrased and enjambed.

As I held my breath, they slowed to a stop

Weaving glass and coffee houses
Tracing the watch strap around my wrist
After reading your response to bootsy's question about the glass (which I was confused about, too), I can't help but wonder if perhaps your image would be better as "Weaving glass IN coffee houses." Idk, to me, it creates a more intricate and interesting image than woven glass set up next to or in addition to coffee house (which is a rather flat and meaningless idea here).
An evening lull, old yawning echoes
I cast my mind to what I’ve missed
Love the phrase "old yawning echoes." Too bad copy write laws exist. I'd like to steal it haha.

As I rewind myself, it all becomes too much

While the tread marks turned to canyons
Each skipping second stayed and watched a little while
I almost hesitated at the alliteration and assonance you have going on in this line, but on my second reading, it's very well paced and planned. I like it.

Where was I ever supposed to park my bag of bones?
Egh, not feeling this line. I don't feel like it propels the poem to where it needs to be at this end. The question isn't quite as thought provoking as it should be, nor does it carry the sort of meandering, brooding energy of the rest of the piece. I'm also not a fan of "bag of bones." It's a bit weak, not to mention hackneyed, compared to your other fantastic images. I'm not saying you copped-out, but I expected more.

But that doesn't mean that I find this to be a bad or unsuccessful piece. I liked this a lot, and you have a nice style.

[matt_rawlings]

While the road gave up its ghosts
The steam rose further into fog
I'm not sure about the image behind these lines. If there's fog, then it doesn't seem likely there would be steam, and even if there's enough heat to create steam, without the sun it wouldn't be possible to see the steam. Perhaps I'm being too literal-minded about it, but the ideas, while similar, are contrasting by nature. I also think that the second line sort of hampers the potential of the imagery in the first line. Instead of letting the ghosts be foggy mysteries, you sort of spell out what you were implying in the first line.
Making shards of passers by
Each sequined line of passing cars
I like the duplicity of these lines. Expertly phrased and enjambed.

As I held my breath, they slowed to a stop

Weaving glass and coffee houses
Tracing the watch strap around my wrist
After reading your response to bootsy's question about the glass (which I was confused about, too), I can't help but wonder if perhaps your image would be better as "Weaving glass IN coffee houses." Idk, to me, it creates a more intricate and interesting image than woven glass set up next to or in addition to coffee house (which is a rather flat and meaningless idea here).
An evening lull, old yawning echoes
I cast my mind to what I’ve missed
Love the phrase "old yawning echoes." Too bad copy write laws exist. I'd like to steal it haha.

As I rewind myself, it all becomes too much

While the tread marks turned to canyons
Each skipping second stayed and watched a little while
I almost hesitated at the alliteration and assonance you have going on in this line, but on my second reading, it's very well paced and planned. I like it.

Where was I ever supposed to park my bag of bones?
Egh, not feeling this line. I don't feel like it propels the poem to where it needs to be at this end. The question isn't quite as thought provoking as it should be, nor does it carry the sort of meandering, brooding energy of the rest of the piece. I'm also not a fan of "bag of bones." It's a bit weak, not to mention hackneyed, compared to your other fantastic images. I'm not saying you copped-out, but I expected more.

But that doesn't mean that I find this to be a bad or unsuccessful piece. I liked this a lot, and you have a nice style.



Thanks for the in depth critique.

The fog isn't a literal fog, it is the steam and haze shrouding around people as they cross the street. I just compared it to a fog to get across how thick it was.

You're bang on about the glass part, it should be 'in' coffee houses. Therefor I have changed it because it works alot better.

The last line is a reference to film producer Robert Evans that I put in just for me. Not to go into it to much, but one afternoon he was drinking on a park bench with Steve McQueen and complaining about "Feeling like I'm back in the streets...I don't know where to park my bones". The reason it's in there is because when I wrote this song, that sentiment summed up exactly how I was feeling...that kind of rambling sense of being out of place. I was toying with the idea of taking out "...bag of" but I don't know. I'll probably sharpen the whole thing up when I start playing it live more than I am at the minute

[matt_rawlings]

Changed the last line to three smaller and more deliberatly paced lines

[a speedo model]

Love it, I'll give it a more indepth critique after lunch and museum.

[matt_rawlings]

Love it, I'll give it a more indepth critique after lunch and museum.

Tommorow when I am less bastardised by university work and radio station business I will hunt out your latest opus

[fishingthe_sky]

Thanks for the in depth critique.

The fog isn't a literal fog, it is the steam and haze shrouding around people as they cross the street. I just compared it to a fog to get across how thick it was.

You're bang on about the glass part, it should be 'in' coffee houses. Therefor I have changed it because it works alot better.

The last line is a reference to film producer Robert Evans that I put in just for me. Not to go into it to much, but one afternoon he was drinking on a park bench with Steve McQueen and complaining about "Feeling like I'm back in the streets...I don't know where to park my bones". The reason it's in there is because when I wrote this song, that sentiment summed up exactly how I was feeling...that kind of rambling sense of being out of place. I was toying with the idea of taking out "...bag of" but I don't know. I'll probably sharpen the whole thing up when I start playing it live more than I am at the minute
Figured I was being too literal with that steam/fog thing. I thought better of the critique after the fact.

I like that allusion. I wish I had known it before, it might have changed my opinion of it (sort of. Bag of bones still feels like it's been said a few times, you know what I mean?).

I read your revision, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I like the continuation of the metaphorical imagery you had in the original 3. You've now grounded it in some realism, which isn't bad, but I just don't know if I think the revision is as strong as the original. Oh well, you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes, I suppose.

[eliselovesmusic]

Nice language you've used :-)

I don't know what else to say haha....

[screamoutmyname]

that's awesome, man!

when do we get to hear it?! =)

[bootsydan]

...and I noticed the shimmering surface of the asphalt and steam rising up from the drains and gutters. The "Ghosts" could either be the mirages and steam of the road or the road letting me know how it's feeling....

I should've picked up on that.

I was unsure about 'bag of bones' at first as well, because I thought that phrase had been over used. However I decided I liked it in the context. It was a good a metaphor.

The new ending is not too bad either, but I think I like bag of bones better. 'park my bag of bones' was clever - because it incorporated the car imagery you've got going throughout.

But maybe it is best to see which works better live.

[matt_rawlings]

Figured I was being too literal with that steam/fog thing. I thought better of the critique after the fact.

I like that allusion. I wish I had known it before, it might have changed my opinion of it (sort of. Bag of bones still feels like it's been said a few times, you know what I mean?).

I read your revision, but I'm not sure how I feel about it. I like the continuation of the metaphorical imagery you had in the original 3. You've now grounded it in some realism, which isn't bad, but I just don't know if I think the revision is as strong as the original. Oh well, you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes, I suppose.

I've now changed it to the best of both worlds. Last night I sat down with my friend and nailed out the ending of the song musically. It now acts as less of a bridge and more as a coda. This aalso allowed me to slide back in a slightly ammended version of the old ending back into the song.

[matt_rawlings]

I should've picked up on that.

I was unsure about 'bag of bones' at first as well, because I thought that phrase had been over used. However I decided I liked it in the context. It was a good a metaphor.

The new ending is not too bad either, but I think I like bag of bones better. 'park my bag of bones' was clever - because it incorporated the car imagery you've got going throughout.

But maybe it is best to see which works better live.

Hopefully come May when I can finally be done with all of my work for a little while I will be able to try and record it along with my other recent output in some way or another

[matt_rawlings]

For an idea of the shape this song is taking, think of a major key and significantly less depressed version of 'Second Best' by Pedro The Lion