Short One

[LinksTune]

-1-

Struggling to stay awake, never sleeping does a dreamer make
You look your best with mornings light upon your chest
Restless in my bed, make-up smeared, hair tossed and half undressed
We lived it up that night, burning both our wicks from both their ends
But this candles light lasts for more than just tonight
Kisses stolen, and “I love you”s left unsaid
You leave me here awake, waiting for the night again.

-2-

My confidence is only skin deep, unwrap this fear and defeat, in a sea of mannequins you're the only girl i see, and on this sinking ship we kiss, lost in the moment and blissful remiss. but dammit girl I missed you yet again, every time our lips are at a loss, and fingers do the talking it's us who pay the cost. I admit when i'm wrong, but times the punishment, and i'm jealous of all while he spends alone with you. Come pick me up love, i've finally stopped this train and you're the only place that feels like home. Everything i read, you read to me, every word i write, you whisper softly in my ear. Celebrate and dance with me, it's in these words that you and I can rest easy. I'll say it now so you never have to worry, I love you dear!! and with you, i'm never in a hurry.

[fishingthe_sky]

Struggling to stay awake, never sleeping does a dreamer make
You look your best with mornings light upon your chest
Restless in my bed, make-up smeared, hair tossed and half undressed
We lived it up that night, burning both our wicks from both their ends
But this candles light lasts for more than just tonight
Kisses stolen, and “I love you”s left unsaid
You leave me here awake, waiting for the night again.

All of these lines feel too long and sort of unnatural. I'm sure it was a deliberate attempt, but having each line internally rhyme with itself just isn't clicking here, and the poem would open up and breathe much easier if you broke these up. Also, "burning both our wicks from both their ends" is a "both" too many and sits heavy on the tongue. Keep the first, ditch the second.

My confidence is only skin deep, unwrap this fear and defeat, in a sea of mannequins you're the only girl i see, and on this sinking ship we kiss, lost in the moment and blissful remiss. but dammit girl I missed you yet again, every time our lips are at a loss, and fingers do the talking it's us who pay the cost. I admit when i'm wrong, but times the punishment, and i'm jealous of all while he spends alone with you. Come pick me up love, i've finally stopped this train and you're the only place that feels like home. Everything i read, you read to me, every word i write, you whisper softly in my ear. Celebrate and dance with me, it's in these words that you and I can rest easy. I'll say it now so you never have to worry, I love you dear!! and with you, i'm never in a hurry.

Admittedly, I was at first excited to read a series poem on this forum, especially with a prose poem. Unfortunately, this second part really doesn't do much but read like a cliched livejournal entry, that devolves into some over the top exclamatory sentence. The problem is that you don't really do anything interesting in this second part. It's just a bunch of rehashed phrases/imagery, and it never propels this into unknown or unsafe territory. Plus, you basically stop trying to make it poetic after the second sentence.

[Meenaghey Aym]

yea umm i liked the 1st part. blah blah blah loe is cliched. but i think that everytime you sed something that cud be construed as cliche you ended it there. and the only thing worse than a cliche is a long drawn out one. the 1st part was excellent.. however i wud have to agree with fishy on the 2nd part. i dont think they match at all. and i dont know shit about structure or technique or watever prose is but it just didnt flow as well as the 1st part did. it was def harder to read. kinda like it all clashed together.

[LinksTune]

true and true. I just keep a sort of running lyrics journal, wasn't too sure about the structure of the excerpts in poetry terms but just kind of threw them out there. As for the blatantly overused cliches, my creativity in writing only goes so far Haha. I usually end up dissecting written paragraphs of stream of consciousness writing for the few ideas that stick out. Thanks a ton for the input too, i keep trying to push my writing, just run into some troubles articulatating