Synthetic

[Hyp]

Rid me of my thoughts Rid me of this evil
Illegal doings make it all seem regal
Shit that would make Ally McBeal squeal
Like Tryna finance an impossible upheaval
Syndrome alcohol fetal, my guess
Or Some pseudo big-wig shit that ain't even real
Intrude my membrane with a hypodermic needle
It's just another sequel
When my heart wants to break from the confines of my chest
I trace the shape with a sharpened blade tip across my breast
Like when will the penetration yield to the pressure
I ask you, are you not impressed?
Sprawled out in a puddle under city lights fluoresced
Never knew the rules for a certified flight-test
Used to be best dressed, but now I'm up on your crest
Fuck you and your God, here's proof your shit is hexed

Baby I can be a robot
I'm so synthetic X4


Where did this come from this shit that I do
Like they really didn't think about their substance abused
What it could bring about in lives turnt around
Showing lost kids the way, homeward bound
Inside this hazy cloud, motha fucka I'm safe and sound, you can't even see me now
But really, i'm just a pathetic pronoun, got no title, hailing from Title town
It's risky business, my canine bare witness
Probably seen more shit than I can even finish
I hear the dude whimper everytime I quench a fix
Sometimes I think he's human and I'm just sick
I aint from here, I don't belong, don't exist
Make believe like a cover shot of Mens Fitness
But who needs ya'll, ya'll need me
To become an example of what not to be

I wrote this kind of in the spur of the moment so I think some of the word choices could be better, but just tell me what you think. Any feedback at all would be appreciated, thanks. :)

[doves]

this is powerful almost like a rap-is this the intention

[Hyp]

Thanks and yea it is a rap.

[Meenaghey Aym]

hmm u went from intelligent to ignorant in many parts.. i think it does read as maybe some dark but real rap. a couple pointers.. maybe try to stick to 1 theme i guess its about going against wat society deems right and wrong. but i think you can hone it better. and you dont have to use dumbed down language to be hard or intelligent lingo to be real. Ying Yang are slang as hell but Brother's Keeper is an excellent very REAL song. and then TI an obvious real deal who loves fancy lingo to say something simple. i just dont think they mix well TOGETHER. Work on it a little more. generally wen i write a rap i want to make sure it represents how seriously i want to be taken by my words.

[Hyp]

Wow, thanks for the great advice. Looking and listening to it now, I do see that the second verse has alot to live up to and it doesn't. Thanks again :)

[Meenaghey Aym]

lol good, bad criticism generally isnt taken well round here. i think rap is a very real form of communicating emotions. ima send u a message tomorow with a rap i wrote. its not great but it may help u see wat i mean. I am not very good at all btw but i do kno a lil something bout delivery.