Lost

[newtothis]

“If who I am is what I have
and what I have is gone
then who am I?”
was something i read once
in middle school
i don’t know why it stayed with me so
because
really,
what do I have?

[newtothis]

Any thoughts?

[eliselovesmusic]

“If who I am is what I have
and what I have is gone
then who am I?”



I would have been happy with just this haha

[fishingthe_sky]

“If who I am is what I have
and what I have is gone
then who am I?”
was something i read once
in middle school
i don’t know why it stayed with me so
because
really,
what do I have?
Egh, this is more postulation than poetry. This might work as the open phrase of a longer piece, but it's just not enough as is. I'm not sure how I feel about you mentioning middle school. It sort of puts up an immature background (not intentional, I'm sure, but still) which hampers the sincerity the poem could have. Also, you should get rid of the "so" in the sixth line; it's not really doing anything but making the line awkward.

[newtothis]

Egh, this is more postulation than poetry. This might work as the open phrase of a longer piece, but it's just not enough as is.

I definitely see what you mean. This poem was written as more of a passing thought than anything, but it is something I DO want to develop further later. I would like to make my poetry less juvenile. As of now, I'm fully aware that it is anything but great.