Easier to shoot me down

[newtothis]

Just shoot me down again.
Over and over.
It is so much easier to think that you would
Rather see me fall
Than to let my hopes deceive me into believing that the impossible
Was even in the realm of possibilities.
That life could so freely offer without penalty
What I wanted more than anything.

Every word, every thought, every line in the script,
Was it about her? Or was it just written in a fit of creative inspiration,
Soon to be Gone with the Wind?
Huge, grandiose, false, just what it was.
A story.
Something to look back upon and say to the grandkids,
"It never really meant anything."

[Meenaghey Aym]

i like the 2nd part better than the 1st. the beginning of this is just a little umm.. idk i just think you need to make it more capturing...

[eliselovesmusic]

"Than to let my hopes deceive me into believing that the impossible
Was even in the realm of possibilities."

Definitley my favourite lines.

I dunno it all kind of fell a bit flat with me... I have to agree with Meenaghey Aym though: the second half was alot more captivating than the first.



ATTN Meenaghey Aym: lol at Cliffs of Insanity :-d

[fishingthe_sky]

Just shoot me down again.
Over and over.
It is so much easier to think that you would
Rather see me fall
Than to let my hopes deceive me into believing that the impossible
Was even in the realm of possibilities.
That life could so freely offer without penalty
What I wanted more than anything.
This is kind of the same thing as your really short piece ("Lost", I think it was called) in that it reads more like postulation than poetry. It just doesn't really offer up anything "poetic": No sound devices, no rhymes, no meter, no metaphors, no imagery, no real direction or purpose in your line length. You're kind of just stating your feelings in line breaks, rather than actually trying to mold your thoughts and feelings into something bigger, into art. Let your creativity run free in this; dash your emotions against the wall and tell us the color of the blood they leave, throw your hopes into the wind and track their journey until you can't see them anymore, tell us the size and shape of the box that your sadness fits in and how much you can stuff in (see what I'm doing here?). Don't tell us the situation, show us. Make us imagine it, make us question it, make us believe that this is something truly affecting by make it affect us.

Every word, every thought, every line in the script,
Was it about her? Or was it just written in a fit of creative inspiration,
Soon to be Gone with the Wind?
Huge, grandiose, false, just what it was.
A story.
Something to look back upon and say to the grandkids,
"It never really meant anything."
Here is a little better, you're making a metaphor and using an allusion. The allusion is pretty blatant, though. Try burying it in the language, make it subtle, make it rewarding for us to uncover; you make your readers feel smart for picking it out and makes them enjoy reading your work more. It's also more stimulating. You still are telling us what it is (a story), rather than letting us come to the conclusion that this guy's words were a fiction (isn't even that better than calling it "a story").

Really, you just need to let the creative juices start flowing in your work. You're telling us everything and showing us nothing, and you're avoiding the very tools you as a poet have at your disposal.