Voices in the Onyx Stair

[newtothis]

This poem was written during class. I'm not going to lie. But as I was writing it, I realized that I really liked it. I would love comments, advice, etc.

Trekking up the onyx stair
Marble rail, sturdy step
Echoes bouncing off the walls
Acoustics whisper, silence booming.

Shuffle, stomp, hear the call
Voices of the onyx stair
Beckon, titillate, murmur, thrall,
He who comes is sure to fall.

In the chamber, raspy breaths,
Out and in, out and in,
Bacteria festers in the walls
Yet, all is here, concealed within.

What's happened in the onyx stair
Reflections dark as blackest tar,
Need not go and mustn't stay
let's leave them floating in the air
Tossed and turned from the wind
Coming from the slamming door.

[Meenaghey Aym]

i think you create a very descriptive image of the "situation/environment" not sure it goes into enuff depth tho...i guess i was reading i and i wanted to know more....

[newtothis]

i think you create a very descriptive image of the "situation/environment" not sure it goes into enuff depth tho...i guess i was reading i and i wanted to know more....

I think what I like about this poem was the ambiguity. I feel like if I expand upon it more, it won't be quite right. It will be TOO clear, and then the reader wouldn't have a challenge.

[fishingthe_sky]

Trekking up the onyx stair
Marble rail, sturdy step
Echoes bouncing off the walls
Acoustics whisper, silence booming.
As far as poetic language goes, 'trekking' is pretty low on the totem pole. There are much more capturing ways to get the same type of labored scaling that trek conveys. I'm pretty taken with the whole image of the "onyx stair." It's not a color/material you see used very often, so props for being fresh. I'm not quite sure I can visually picture a marble rail, because I don't think marble can be used as railing (I'm being really picky here, I know, but it's something to keep in mind when forming your images. Unless you're going to go all out in left field, you have to keep your stuff grounded in some sort of realism). As far as the rest goes, it's not bad, but it's nothing really exciting or fresh. 'Acoustics' is a pretty general term, and your juxtaposition 'silence booming' is a not necessarily cliche or tired, but is general enough to trick one into thinking it may be either. Try coming up with a more dynamic way of conveying the overwhelming power of silence.

Shuffle, stomp, hear the call
Voices of the onyx stair
Beckon, titillate, murmur, thrall,
He who comes is sure to fall.
Hmm, I'm not quite following the action here, and I have a couple gripes. First, I don't think you should repeat the onyx stair bit here, or anywhere else in the poem. It's got a power to it that will diminish each time you recycle it, because it will be just that: recycled, not a new, fresh image. I also think that having three of the lines rhyme gets to be a bit much. For quatrains like this, it's much safer to stick with two rhymes to prevent overpowering the language with similar sounds. That third line is also really sort of like a broken record. Give us more than just synonyms, and especially get rid of "thrall" which is too archaic a word to work properly here.

In the chamber, raspy breaths,
Out and in, out and in,
Bacteria festers in the walls
Yet, all is here, concealed within.
What chamber? The stair case? A bit unclear, and not necessarily conducive to forming a complete image. The repetition in the second line is sort of doing the same thing as the first, and I want to see the act of breathing portrayed in less literal terms. Use language to emulate it figuratively. The last two lines don't make sense within the context of the poem. Bacteria comes out of nowhere, and ceases to function as quickly as it shows up. And is concealment supposed to work with the idea of the chamber? It's not clear. What's being concealed?

What's happened in the onyx stair
Reflections dark as blackest tar,
Need not go and mustn't stay
let's leave them floating in the air
Tossed and turned from the wind
Coming from the slamming door.
Again, nix the first line. 'Blackest tar' is interesting, though not the most creative way to signify that dark; that's not to say it's bad, though. Who's the 'them' here? You seem to have a subject, but you never clearly identify, or even point us in the right direction to who or what the subject is. You're also vaguely painting a scene, but you don't connect the details or give them to us concretely enough to make a defined image. "Tossed and turned" is a pretty tired turn of phrase. I'm also not sure why you broke from using the quatrains; you could definitely condense this stanza to four lines.

This has some potential. I'm intrigued by your onyx stairs, but there's a lot to be desired in this poem. I think that with some work, this could become a decent piece. Keep it up.

[newtothis]

Trekking up the onyx stair
Marble rail, sturdy step
Echoes bouncing off the walls
Acoustics whisper, silence booming.
As far as poetic language goes, 'trekking' is pretty low on the totem pole. There are much more capturing ways to get the same type of labored scaling that trek conveys. I'm pretty taken with the whole image of the "onyx stair." It's not a color/material you see used very often, so props for being fresh. I'm not quite sure I can visually picture a marble rail, because I don't think marble can be used as railing (I'm being really picky here, I know, but it's something to keep in mind when forming your images. Unless you're going to go all out in left field, you have to keep your stuff grounded in some sort of realism). As far as the rest goes, it's not bad, but it's nothing really exciting or fresh. 'Acoustics' is a pretty general term, and your juxtaposition 'silence booming' is a not necessarily cliche or tired, but is general enough to trick one into thinking it may be either. Try coming up with a more dynamic way of conveying the overwhelming power of silence.

Thanks for the advice. It was really appreciated. I agree with you about really liking the image of an onyx stair. In fact, this whole poem was inspired by an "onyx stair" at my school. They are spiral and twirl completely down about 3 flights of the building. I wish you could see the staircase, and then you might understand the use of the word "chamber." Still, I understand how that might be confusing if you haven't seen the room.


Shuffle, stomp, hear the call
Voices of the onyx stair
Beckon, titillate, murmur, thrall,
He who comes is sure to fall.
Hmm, I'm not quite following the action here, and I have a couple gripes. First, I don't think you should repeat the onyx stair bit here, or anywhere else in the poem. It's got a power to it that will diminish each time you recycle it, because it will be just that: recycled, not a new, fresh image. I also think that having three of the lines rhyme gets to be a bit much. For quatrains like this, it's much safer to stick with two rhymes to prevent overpowering the language with similar sounds. That third line is also really sort of like a broken record. Give us more than just synonyms, and especially get rid of "thrall" which is too archaic a word to work properly here.

Out of curiosity, why do you think that the word "thrall" is too archaic? That was the one word I was somewhat satisfied with. I felt like finding the adjectives to appropriately express the stairs was incredibly hard. I really don't want this to be cliche, and I couldn't seem to find the words.

In the chamber, raspy breaths,
Out and in, out and in,
Bacteria festers in the walls
Yet, all is here, concealed within.
What chamber? The stair case? A bit unclear, and not necessarily conducive to forming a complete image. The repetition in the second line is sort of doing the same thing as the first, and I want to see the act of breathing portrayed in less literal terms. Use language to emulate it figuratively. The last two lines don't make sense within the context of the poem. Bacteria comes out of nowhere, and ceases to function as quickly as it shows up. And is concealment supposed to work with the idea of the chamber? It's not clear. What's being concealed?

The idea of bacteria was meant to express contagion and disease. While the staircase calls out, it is unpleasant and incredibly sickening. It is almost a place where the "diseased" mind can find solitude and solace. What would you recommend?

What's happened in the onyx stair
Reflections dark as blackest tar,
Need not go and mustn't stay
let's leave them floating in the air
Tossed and turned from the wind
Coming from the slamming door.

Again, nix the first line. 'Blackest tar' is interesting, though not the most creative way to signify that dark; that's not to say it's bad, though. Who's the 'them' here? You seem to have a subject, but you never clearly identify, or even point us in the right direction to who or what the subject is. You're also vaguely painting a scene, but you don't connect the details or give them to us concretely enough to make a defined image. "Tossed and turned" is a pretty tired turn of phrase. I'm also not sure why you broke from using the quatrains; you could definitely condense this stanza to four lines.

I'm not sure, but I think that when I was writing this in class, I had wanted to change up the mood of the poem. I wanted it to move from reflections about the stair itself and the feelings the stair conveyed to how it related to the speaker's inner thoughts. That is why I changed the poem from quatrains to a longer stanza. Although, it might not have worked like I wanted it to. You're correct in saying that I was trying to paint a scene; however, you are not the only one who has told me that the ideas I wanted to get across in the last stanza fell a little flat and were a little too ambiguous.


This has some potential. I'm intrigued by your onyx stairs, but there's a lot to be desired in this poem. I think that with some work, this could become a decent piece. Keep it up.


Thanks for the advice.

[fishingthe_sky]

Thanks for the advice. It was really appreciated. I agree with you about really liking the image of an onyx stair. In fact, this whole poem was inspired by an "onyx stair" at my school. They are spiral and twirl completely down about 3 flights of the building. I wish you could see the staircase, and then you might understand the use of the word "chamber." Still, I understand how that might be confusing if you haven't seen the room.
You need to try and capture this scene within your poem. It sounds like a striking stair case, but you get none of that description in the poem itself, which makes using words like "chamber" fall short of being effective. Build it up for us! Paint us this picture you're writing about! Some very good poetry has come out of describing one's surroundings.

Out of curiosity, why do you think that the word "thrall" is too archaic? That was the one word I was somewhat satisfied with. I felt like finding the adjectives to appropriately express the stairs was incredibly hard. I really don't want this to be cliche, and I couldn't seem to find the words.
Well, first of all, "thrall" means enslavement, not hardness, so it's not the right word to be using. That notwithstanding, you don't see "thrall" being used at all in contemporary English. If you look it up in a contemporary dictionary (like the OED or even dictionary.com) you'll see that its meaning is labeled as archaic. Words like this don't work well in contemporary writing because they're not natural to the way we speak, and they stick out like a sore thumb. I mean, you're sort of just using it here for the rhyme, aren't you?

The idea of bacteria was meant to express contagion and disease. While the staircase calls out, it is unpleasant and incredibly sickening. It is almost a place where the "diseased" mind can find solitude and solace. What would you recommend?
Why is it sickening? What makes it a place that one with a diseased mind can find it comforting? These things need to come out in the lines! I have a problem with bacteria because it's very technical, minute, and not of the same tone of the rest of the language. It also doesn't quite capture what you're intending for it to capture. By saying bacteria, you're taking the scope of the poem to the microscopic, which hinders the rest of the scene from working as it should. I think you first need to give more detail about this sickening effect and make us feel why it's this way. The word itself will likely drop when you do this, but that's ok.

I'm not sure, but I think that when I was writing this in class, I had wanted to change up the mood of the poem. I wanted it to move from reflections about the stair itself and the feelings the stair conveyed to how it related to the speaker's inner thoughts. That is why I changed the poem from quatrains to a longer stanza. Although, it might not have worked like I wanted it to. You're correct in saying that I was trying to paint a scene; however, you are not the only one who has told me that the ideas I wanted to get across in the last stanza fell a little flat and were a little too ambiguous.
See, there's no real speaker present within the poem, which is why it's problematic. You need to insert a speaker into the scene well before you get to the end in order to shift from the external to the internal.