NEED CRITIQUE...... different from my usual stuff

[eliselovesmusic]

Like I said this is alot different from my usual style (asides from the fact that it's a poem rather than a song)
Any critique is very much appreciated :-)


In Shadows They Cry

Through familiar streets I run,
In time to catch the morning sun.
I think too of those in shade,
Who hope for broken promises made,
And how I'd like to jar that sun,
And hand it out to out everyone.

The television howls "in despair!"
But does the living room really care?
For those who sit upon that couch
Would rather take tips "how to erase that slouch."

So I ask this pondering mind of mine:
To whom does my heart and time incline?
To people who wallow,
With stomachs hollow?
Or those with plenty in banks to swallow?
To beings with rags for windows and shoes?
Or ones with power to abuse?

Seeing as I spend on clothes and shows
I guess I believe in the right to impose.

So let us no longer cast a shadow,
For where ignorance lives,
So too does a family,
Alone in the ghetto.



I'm not sure about some of the rhymes and the last stanza is getting the point across but I don't know if the words work in it...

[fishingthe_sky]

This is just a personal thing, but I'm really not liking the couplets. Maybe it's because they're so simple for the most part; your most interesting one is shows/impose. Try playing with the language and using words that don't have the same amount of syllables in them; it would make for a much more interesting poem. Also, try mixing up your rhyme scheme; you're not confining yourself to a set amount of lines per stanza, so play around with the rhymes you have and keep us on our toes. You're also being generically topical with your rich/poor/lazy/ignorant theme, which makes this seem tired before it's even had a chance to get there. If you're going to make a topical statement in poetry, make it specific, and make it biting. Choose an issue that you care about, and really work it; if poverty is your thing, choose specific things to talk about, not just not having enough food. Social commentary in poetry is all well and good, but it needs to have a narrow scope to be effective, because everyone can sing about injustice generally.

[eliselovesmusic]

This is just a personal thing, but I'm really not liking the couplets. Maybe it's because they're so simple for the most part; your most interesting one is shows/impose. Try playing with the language and using words that don't have the same amount of syllables in them; it would make for a much more interesting poem. Also, try mixing up your rhyme scheme; you're not confining yourself to a set amount of lines per stanza, so play around with the rhymes you have and keep us on our toes. You're also being generically topical with your rich/poor/lazy/ignorant theme, which makes this seem tired before it's even had a chance to get there. If you're going to make a topical statement in poetry, make it specific, and make it biting. Choose an issue that you care about, and really work it; if poverty is your thing, choose specific things to talk about, not just not having enough food. Social commentary in poetry is all well and good, but it needs to have a narrow scope to be effective, because everyone can sing about injustice generally.


Yeah I totally agree with you but I needed someone to tell me that's specifically what I needed to work on so thanks :-)

I did try to make it a bit more interesting by using the image of the 'fat cats' casting a shadow over the... er... less fortunate because it ends up sounding like yet another Bono speech.

I was unsure of how to set the 'mood' up properly though: I realise it has to be quite shocking and leave the reader in a state of almost horror, but I don't often write about such heavy subjects so I haven't quite harnessed the language yet. However, this is a subject that I'm very passionate about so I'll take on your advice and try and improve it. Thanks again.

[Meenaghey Aym]

Through familiar streets I run,
In time to catch the morning sun.
I think too of those in shade,
Who hope for broken promises made,
And how I'd like to jar that sun,
And hand it out to out everyone.

i really am not feeling this whole thing. its too "sunny" i dont think anything an be so blindly optimistic. its like" oh life is so good you just gotta look at it right, and i wanna tell the whole world!"


The television howls "in despair!"
But does the living room really care?
For those who sit upon that couch
Would rather take tips "how to erase that slouch."

tv is a very cliched form of saying the world is falling into idiocracy


So I ask this pondering mind of mine:
To whom does my heart and time incline?
To people who wallow,
With stomachs hollow?
Or those with plenty in banks to swallow?
To beings with rags for windows and shoes?
Or ones with power to abuse?

Seeing as I spend on clothes and shows
I guess I believe in the right to impose.

So let us no longer cast a shadow,
For where ignorance lives,
So too does a family,
Alone in the ghetto.

i think the rest is ok but without a beginning to fit then it cant be much. i think also u breifly touch on too many ideas. but dont go into them enough. like how you threw a family in the ghetto in there at the end. or the line about power to abuse. im not getting enough out of this one... i think you can do better.



I'm not sure about some of the rhymes and the last stanza is getting the point across but I don't know if the words work in it...[/quote]

[eliselovesmusic]

i really am not feeling this whole thing. its too "sunny" i dont think anything an be so blindly optimistic. its like" oh life is so good you just gotta look at it right, and i wanna tell the whole world!"


The thing I was trying to get across with the sun bit is that most people with decent lives take for granted the simple things - things that other people would love. The sun thing is not meant to be taken literally. I was trying to set up a metaphor of the more fortunate living the high life and being ignorant of those who we 'cast a shadow' over.


tv is a very cliched form of saying the world is falling into idiocracy


TV, however, was not meant to be a metaphor of idiocracy or anything of the type. I just get depressed when I watch the news saying how everything sucks haha...


i think the rest is ok but without a beginning to fit then it cant be much. i think also u breifly touch on too many ideas. but dont go into them enough. like how you threw a family in the ghetto in there at the end. or the line about power to abuse. im not getting enough out of this one... i think you can do better.


Thanks for the critique - I know I can focus alot more on specific examples with this to make it better.
I don't know what I was thinking putting the ghetto family in there. I was thinking more of Africa (the obvious location) but it's probably because "ghetto" rhymes with "shadow"... kind of.... pathetic and not very poetic, I know.