Hope Ya Like This....

[eliselovesmusic]

I was trying to extend myself and 'explore' with this. Critique is welcome. (sorry no title yet. Any suggestions?)


A red valance to hide the blue,
Idle minds breed "why me? Why you?"
As we sabotage rapport,
Light beams in darkness justify the lure.
Kin roped in by veins,
Blank expressions of love unfeigned.
Mockery falls on well crafted ears,
As fate of feelings are decided by shears.
And then as violence turns to lyrical cliche,
Is it to hell or heaven we pray?

[Troggy]

Well Elise, since you say you are trying, I will take some time and give you feedback on this one. It looks like you are at the point where what you write looks like poetry, it might even sound like it when read aloud, but upon closer inspection it is actually quite a mess. I don't mean this in an insulting way, I had this phase several years back myself. I wrote a series of about 20 poems telling some fictional adventure story, but when I looked back on it, everything was so vague that no one else would have gotten it. I hit a few good notes here and there, but it would need so much to be filled in if anyone else was to understand what was happening.

Thus is the case here, there seems to be some exciting action and tension, but it is so vague, I haven't a clue the location, who is involved, why this is happening, and all the other indications that could pull the reader into a particular scene so that you can smack them over the head with your message. This is a short poem, so I can break it down for you line by line where the trouble spots are.

A red valance to hide the blue,

Besides the quite strange choice of the word 'valence', all this line is are colors with no meaning. You can't cover blank up with blank, it's just confusing. This line absolutely needs an object with an actual description.

Idle minds breed "why me? Why you?"

Taken in context with a lot of other things, this is the sort of the line that may illustrate the situation. This early, it's unclear. I would be careful of cliche phrases like the first half of this line, unless you have a particular reason for using them. It doesn't sound like the 'minds' in the rest of the piece are particularly 'idle'.

As we sabotage rapport,

Obviously this line makes vague sense. Mess up a relationship, OK, I can follow that concept. That only adds more questions though, since I do not know anything yet about the relationship. 'Sabotage' might not be the best word here, it's a little too secret agent, and I have the feeling that has nothing to do with this piece.

Light beams in darkness justify the lure.

Aside from the drab way you phrased this image, I think 'justify' is a bad word choice. It seems that the light beams ARE the lure, not the reason for it.

Kin roped in by veins,

This is a bit of a stretch, but I am following for the most part. At least you established the relationship a little more clearly now.

Blank expressions of love unfeigned.

I am getting a strange double negative from this line. Love unfeigned means, sincere love. So why is it coming from 'blank' expressions? I can infer a few reasons, the biggest one being the violence you describe is literal. Therefore we have some innocent party met with this mysterious 'we' who seem to be up to no good.

Mockery falls on well crafted ears,

I would tend to describe mockery as well crafted, not ears. You could even say 'Mockery falls well crafted on his ears' or something like that. Not a huge improvement, but I don't thing well crafted is a good adjective for ears.

As fate of feelings are decided by shears.

For the sake of rhyme, you went with shears, but if we are talking violence here, a different weapon would be great. I mean, Scissors? Are we getting a haircut? (I suppose this would be okay if this poem is a tribute to Sweeney Todd)

And then as violence turns to lyrical cliche,

This line sounds a lot better than it really is. That's what I was trying to get it in my opening spiel. 'Lyrical cliche' does not conjur up any particular phrases for me. What are you getting at here? Crying? Regret? Some common feeling after violence?

Is it to hell or heaven we pray?

If everything was set up right, this line might mean something. It's not much, but at least it isn't vague. I will say, it seems like something interesting is here, but it's not coming out of the words with much clarity. I can see the action moving, and can take it for what it seems to be, an unknown act of violence on some family member. It is missing a lot of information, that should be the first thing you work on here.

[fishingthe_sky]

I agree with Trogs for the most part. I say it every time I see it: don't talk about anything being cliche or becoming cliche in poetry. Don't even let the word cliche into your poem, not even just to take him down the street to his friend hackneyed's house. It's an easy way to make your poem lose it's poignancy, and an easy way to let it fall into cliche itself. I actually like the sounds going on in "sabatoge rapport" though; for whatever reason, it has a nice ring to me.

It's great to see you trying to expand your voice and flex your poetic muscles. I too was at the stage Troggy mentioned, and it's one of those necessary stages a poet has to go through. Keep trying things out. You are demonstrating an ear for poetry, and it's only a matter of time before it all starts coming together.

[The Personist]

I was trying to extend myself and 'explore' with this. Critique is welcome. (sorry no title yet. Any suggestions?)


A red valance to hide the blue,
Idle minds breed "why me? Why you?"
As we sabotage rapport,
Light beams in darkness justify the lure.
Kin roped in by veins,
Blank expressions of love unfeigned.
Mockery falls on well crafted ears,
As fate of feelings are decided by shears.
And then as violence turns to lyrical cliche,
Is it to hell or heaven we pray?

I think Troggy already said it, but you shouldn't talk about things as being cliche in a poem. It's inherently cliche.

EDIT: Troggy AND Fishy said it. Third time's the charm, eh?

[Troggy]

I actually like the sounds going on in "sabatoge rapport" though; for whatever reason, it has a nice ring to me.

Yeah, definitely sounds good, just doesn't help me put the picture together.

It's great to see you trying to expand your voice and flex your poetic muscles. I too was at the stage Troggy mentioned, and it's one of those necessary stages a poet has to go through. Keep trying things out. You are demonstrating an ear for poetry, and it's only a matter of time before it all starts coming together.

Good analysis. I was thinking the same thing.

[eliselovesmusic]

Thanks for the great feedback guys - it really helps.

Now I re-read it and try to see it from an outsiders point of view: you're right, it doesn't specifically set up a scenario very well. In my mind when I was writing it I had this whole idea of it being about how a couple is dealing with a break up (becoming violent with each other, trying to ruin the others reputation, family roped in to help out emotionally etc).

The line about 'well crafted ears' is kind of an extension on the phrase 'painted on ears'. I was trying to say (in vague terms) that the person is having selective hearing about what the other person says (in other words they only hear what they want to hear and ignore ridicule when they act out).

*hand on heart* I swear to never use the word cliche in poetry again.

Thanks again, I'll take it all on board :-)