Commas- Be warned, this one is a bit silly...

[newtothis]

Commas between clausessaid the teacher because

splices are unacceptable trying to tie together topics thatdon't coordinate
your conjunctions so the two can
live together in peace andharmony is what your sentence should contain
she said whyshould the independent clause love another when
they don't have anything in comma onthe test because
the subordinating comes first
the comma follows and is moreappropriateand fits the pen sivere
and harsh mood she felt whenshe told us to use commas
nevertheless,the independent clause chose to livewithout,and so it must remain

So, I know this is really hard to follow but I'm an English major (siqq brag) and I was really tired of grammar one day so I wrote this. Any criticism anyone could offer would be really appreciated. =) Don't look for a deep meaning or anything. There isn't one.

[SeeYouSeptember]

Why?

[newtothis]

Why what?

[eliselovesmusic]

haha

[thespearkid]

Hm. As I've told you before, I find this a really interesting piece. It's definitely hard to follow in parts due to the lack of commas (creative license?) and the interesting structure. I really enjoy the word play you employ though ("they don't have anything in comma on"). Basically, I would probably try to re-write it in a standard structure, just to see how it works. Maybe add some commas as well. I think it would detract a cool part of the poem, yes, but I think commas would do more good than harm.

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[fishingthe_sky]

It's nice to see someone playing around with form and grammar, though this is dripping with ee cummings.

[thespearkid]

It's nice to see someone playing around with form and grammar, though this is dripping with ee cummings.

ee cummings is My Hero

[newtothis]

It's nice to see someone playing around with form and grammar, though this is dripping with ee cummings.

When I wrote this, I wasn't going for ee cummings, but now that I think about it, I guess I can see some similarities in style and such. Quite honestly, I don't think I could ever write anything up to his standards. I mean, I'm not his biggest fan, but I do like the way he plays with structure and language, especially in "Buffalo Bill." I'm assuming you are not an ee cummings fan?

What would you suggest for this poem?

[fishingthe_sky]

Yeah, your line spacing and your grammar-defying are very cummings-esque. I didn't mean my comment to be a negative; I do like cummings just fine. I meant it as this is very much like a cummings piece, which is a hard path to go down; his style is so unique and well-known that to write anything similar to it would immediately brand you as an imitator (I'm not trying to say this is on par with cummings work, no offense, but there are obvious similarities).

I think for starters, I would get rid of the first line. It's kind of meaningless here, and I think the in medias res style of the second line would be a better start to this poem. "splices are unacceptable trying to tie together topics that" was too alliterative; you don't want to abuse your devices. "they don't have anything in comma on" was a clever play on words - kudos. What does "sivere" mean? Did you mean "severe"? I don't know how effective the last line is. This might be able to end on the second line, as not giving a definitive ending would certainly suit the style.

[newtothis]

I'd rather try to avoid looking like a cummings junkie or imitator. However, I did like the style of this poem. I guess what I'm trying to ask is if there is any way to stay away from making this poem look like a cheap imitation of something another poet would do.

Also, concerning the first line, I thought it was good for introducing the subject of the poem. I've never really given any thought to taking it out. The "sivere" was me trying to do something that didn't really work out. Honestly, I want to change that line, but don't know quite how. That, I will work out on my own.

[fishingthe_sky]

I'd rather try to avoid looking like a cummings junkie or imitator. However, I did like the style of this poem. I guess what I'm trying to ask is if there is any way to stay away from making this poem look like a cheap imitation of something another poet would do.

Also, concerning the first line, I thought it was good for introducing the subject of the poem. I've never really given any thought to taking it out. The "sivere" was me trying to do something that didn't really work out. Honestly, I want to change that line, but don't know quite how. That, I will work out on my own.
The easiest thing to do would be to keep the bits you like best but insert another style or form here. Maybe make some of the lines have some real coherency, or make some of the lines be your standard poetic lines. It's kind of a tough call.

To me, the poem works better without the introduction of the subject. It feels very essay-like, though I guess that would make sense, given the subject.