dark.

[gilfers]

Silence is practically insanity
The darkness feels like home
Lying still while these thoughts was over me
wishing to be unknown.
The ringing bells says its midnight
The fog at the window clears
The night it seemed so perfect
How does perfect turn to tears?
This room that seemed so spacious
Has suddenly got so dark
How do I find the strength to continue
When I don't know where to start?


The mirror cracks like ice on a cold winters morning, it splits right down.
It melts and it boils on a warm summer evening in the middle of town.
The pieces like daggers, so razor sharp, yet I see myself in every single one of them.
Why did your love get so dark?


As daylight breaks the night trance
It's time for the same routine
'Cos you ran away with my chances
But it's still the same old scene.
My memories are laced with cobwebs
They play out in black and white
The door is slightly open
I still feel your light.
I set the heat to dim
So not to feel the strain
You warned me against your type
Said you were all the same.


The mirror cracks like ice on a cold winters morning, it splits right down.
It melts and it boils on a warm summer evening in the middle of town.
The pieces like daggers, so razor sharp, yet I see myself in every single one of them.
Why did your love get so dark?


The bedroom clutter fills the shadows
Once entertained by love
The moon gives a sense of magic
As it dazzles with stars above.
I trace my name across the sky
And it falls down like dust
Covering the room that once contained us
Now that solely occupies lust.
I make my way back across the battle field
A previous unknown war zone
Feel my way towards you
As I find my way home.

The mirror cracks like ice on a cold winters morning, it splits right down.
It melts and it boils on a warm summer evening in the middle of town.
The pieces like daggers, so razor sharp, yet I see myself in every single one of them.
Why did your love get so dark?

[gilfers]

this is kinda the first kind of poetic lyric-y stuff I have tried so feedback would be great please (:

[fishingthe_sky]

It's good that you're trying to expand the range of your voice. A lot of the images/phrases/metaphors are still overused, but they're less cliche than what you've posted before, so that's good, too.

The chorus lines seems overly long, and the second line doesn't work at all in the context of the rest of the song. It's too sharp a contrast without any supporting material, and you contradict the image in the third line anyway. The daggers razor sharp bit is a bit redundant, so you can get rid of one of them. And the last line of it just sort of leaves you feeling rather blah about it. You're trying to build these metaphors, and yet you end on such a vague and rather indifferent description that there's no power to it.

" I set the heat to dim
So not to feel the strain"
This didn't make sense. What does set the heat to dim mean?

" I make my way back across the battle field
A previous unknown war zone
Feel my way towards you
As I find my way home."
The first part of this is pretty trite. Love is a battlefield was great in the in the 80's, but almost 30 years later it's gotten pretty tired. The second part of this really doesn't make sense contextually. How do we get to this rather optimistic bit after an entire song about this shit sucking? And you end with the chorus about love growing dark, which nullifies any sort of consolation this could bring.

Keep at it.

[redmoon]

There's 2 Kinds of People... Those with Loaded Guns & Those Who Dig

[gilfers]

It's good that you're trying to expand the range of your voice. A lot of the images/phrases/metaphors are still overused, but they're less cliche than what you've posted before, so that's good, too.

The chorus lines seems overly long, and the second line doesn't work at all in the context of the rest of the song. It's too sharp a contrast without any supporting material, and you contradict the image in the third line anyway. The daggers razor sharp bit is a bit redundant, so you can get rid of one of them. And the last line of it just sort of leaves you feeling rather blah about it. You're trying to build these metaphors, and yet you end on such a vague and rather indifferent description that there's no power to it.

" I set the heat to dim
So not to feel the strain"
This didn't make sense. What does set the heat to dim mean?

" I make my way back across the battle field
A previous unknown war zone
Feel my way towards you
As I find my way home."
The first part of this is pretty trite. Love is a battlefield was great in the in the 80's, but almost 30 years later it's gotten pretty tired. The second part of this really doesn't make sense contextually. How do we get to this rather optimistic bit after an entire song about this shit sucking? And you end with the chorus about love growing dark, which nullifies any sort of consolation this could bring.

Keep at it.

thankyou very much for the feedback (:
I guess you can tell I never really right like that, but people on here kinda told me to have a go at something different so I did (:
I didn't think it was all that great but I wanted to try haha.
The chours doesn't work I know, I'd kinda run out of ideas by the time I had got that far so I will go back to that & redo it sometime (:

but thankyou for the time you took to read it and comment and help (:
means a lot.

[gilfers]

There's 2 Kinds of People... Those with Loaded Guns & Those Who Dig

What does that even meaaaaan?
LOL

[fishingthe_sky]

thankyou very much for the feedback (:
I guess you can tell I never really right like that, but people on here kinda told me to have a go at something different so I did (:
I didn't think it was all that great but I wanted to try haha.
The chours doesn't work I know, I'd kinda run out of ideas by the time I had got that far so I will go back to that & redo it sometime (:

but thankyou for the time you took to read it and comment and help (:
means a lot.
Admittedly, I was probably one of the people who told you you needed to write something different. Personally, I appreciate the attempt, and would say to continue trying, because it takes time to develop and hone writing skills.