Abstract Weather

[dizzyy]

I was feeling fine before I drank their solution.
Concoction of lies and some wine.
Said I was part of a ‘brighter resolution’
To slaughter men and worship the swine?

We seem to look for answers in all the wrong places
Live in the dark alleys covering our faces
I need you to believe that not all dreams
Are what the swine sees

Loss of time, everything is going to be just fine.
Just fine? How can anything be just fine?
I’m on the verge of losing my damn….my damn….

MY GOD DAMN MIND

I watch the trees as they lose their leaves
The sky melts to cover me
I feel a change, hope for the better
A change to fit this abstract weather.

[fishingthe_sky]

I'm sorry, but I laughed when I read
" Loss of time, everything is going to be just fine.
Just fine? How can anything be just fine?
I’m on the verge of losing my damn….my damn….

MY GOD DAMN MIND"


It's really hard to make things like this be effective on paper. I'm assuming this is a song, and that the intention was to have it be a dramatic moment, but these sort of oral/aural cues are lost visually.

You have a decent form going on in the first stanza, but you lose it in the second one entirely, and I don't know why.

The phrase abstract weather is really just sort of lost here. It's better to show us something you consider abstract, than to just state it. Phrases like that mean nothing to the reader, they don't conjure any kind of response. Plus, you don't really focus on weather at all, so the fact that you titled this piece after the last line doesn't quite work. I'm actually trying to decipher exactly what this is about, and I can't put my finger on it. Every stanza seems to exist in this place of confusion (which comes out in the lines), but none of this confusion seems to come from the same place.