feel free to be harsh

[SuicideKing]

she's a misanthrope bride
with kaleidoscope eyes
thinking:
"the world would be beautiful without you in it"

I slip her rusty i love yous
from lips that have kissed
the business end
of too many cigarettes

if you could write
everything i used to be
down the length of my arms
i could pull the moon from it's seat
and settle it in her sideways smile

there's enough
corner cutting sawdust
in the shallows of my
suicide survivor heart
to light the sky up

but my tongue is always tripping
on it's own untied shoe laces
must be
why i breath
in false starts
and speak
in stutter steps
yet
i can still
tapdance around a topic
like i was born to keep moving

to her
i'm as useless
as using
death threat rhetoric
on a willing martyr

[SuicideKing]

i know this is real rough, and it is something i'm going to be working on more... it's been a long time since i tried writing anything so i'd appreciate some feedback so i can get back into the swing of things... fire away

[fishingthe_sky]

she's a misanthrope bride
with kaleidoscope eyes
thinking:
"the world would be beautiful without you in it"

I slip her rusty i love yous
from lips that have kissed
the business end
of too many cigarettes
I'm not saying these two stanzas are necessarily cliche, but I can't help but feel like I've read these images/metaphors before. They just don't feel fresh to me. "rusty i love yous" is interesting, though. I would cut out the "in it" in the last line of the first stanza; it's unnecessary.

if you could write
everything i used to be
down the length of my arms
i could pull the moon from it's seat
and settle it in her sideways smile
Again, not really feeling like this is fresh, but right now it hits home a bit, so all I'm going to say is reconsider the sideways smile thing. Not really a great image.

there's enough
corner cutting sawdust
in the shallows of my
suicide survivor heart
to light the sky up
Corner cutting sawdust is good, suicide survivor heart isn't. Too dramatic.

but my tongue is always tripping
on it's own untied shoe laces
must be
why i breath
in false starts
and speak
in stutter steps
yet
i can still
tapdance around a topic
like i was born to keep moving
Not a bad metaphor, though it's still feeling like it's been said before. I understand the change in form for the purpose of the images, but it feels a bit obvious, especially because it's a noticeable change from the rest of the poem. Reconsider this.

to her
i'm as useless
as using
death threat rhetoric
on a willing martyr
This also feels overly dramatic.

I guess my main criticism is that while this is not overtly cliche, everything sort of sounds like it's been said before. I can't put my finger on it, because I can't think of where I've read/heard these before, but I just can't shake that feeling.

[SuicideKing]

thanks for commenting



This also feels overly dramatic

could you maybe explain how/why you think some parts are overly dramatic? and maybe what you'd suggest doing to tone them down a bit without losing any impact?

I guess my main criticism is that while this is not overtly cliche, everything sort of sounds like it's been said before. I can't put my finger on it, because I can't think of where I've read/heard these before, but I just can't shake that feeling

"corner cut sawdust" is from a song that i really enjoy, i wanted to use it so i rearranged it to fit what i was writing. otherwise everything else is just me and my keyboard. Try and put your finger on it and let me know. i'd like to actually start writing well, so any advice you can offer would be appreciated.