Desperation

[AlexEnglish]

I wrote this a few months back, around November.


Ive been ereased
from all tangible thoughts
your heartbeat still lives
my punctured lungs breathe
im reaching for your hand
in the dimly lit cell
theyll take me away
my shouts fall on deaf ears

im so desperate for your love
desperate for a purpose
desperate for anything

[Kirsty.com]

wow, i like your style. your writing is good. i'm thinking you should make them a little longer thou, but otherwise, well done :)

[The Personist]

[quote]Ive been ereased
from all tangible thoughts

Spell check your work.

Also, the idea of being erased from all tangible thoughts is somewhat insane. What you're saying is that all thoughts that are tangible--which, essentially, no thought really is--are no longer about you. You are not present in them. So is someone not thinking about you? Is that what you mean? Even if so, "tangible thoughts" is a poor means of expressing that. Also, writing passive poetry is a bad idea unless it serves to further your them. "I've been erased" is pretty passive, and doesn't really enhance anything in this. Try making it more active.

your heartbeat still lives
my punctured lungs breathe
im reaching for your hand
in the dimly lit cell
theyll take me away
my shouts fall on deaf ears

Spell check and grammar. Punctuate.

This really doesn't make any sense. Heartbeats can't really live; they beat, but they don't live. THey provide for life. Punctured lungs CAN breathe; they just can't inflate. Who are "they"?

Basically, this section is an exercise in being dark and melodramatic, and one that fails. You use overwrought vagaries to convey your feelings in the same way as a lot of other people your age. Specificity and concreteness are the key to success here. Also, I'm not quite sure how you ended up in a prison cell, nor am I entirely sure if you're even heartbroken. I'm assuming, of course, this is about love. Well, I can't tell if you've been dumped or if you're being torn away from a lover that still loves you. Again, be specific!

im so desperate for your love
desperate for a purpose
desperate for anything

The rest of the poem doesn't matter after this. You have explained your theme in three sentences. This is what they call "Telling" in the fiction world. NO one wants to be TOLD anything; we want to be SHOWN! Show, don't tell; it's a good mantra.

You need some major reworking because as is, the poem is trite and overdone. It jumps from image to unrelated image to hammer home a lament, which only serves to alienate the reader.