Limbo

[newtothis]

Each undiscovered territory of the spine curved,
Pressure on the heels of work-worn, bare feet.
Every backwards step taking you one step forward
Every step forward throwing you back into the midst
Of owlish, anxious flashlight eyes gleaming out of the forest of green faces.

Ensnared under the suffocating bar of kudzu
Panic swirls around your head in a deep fog
Vision clouded with un-surety and the temptation to just give up
And fall onto the moss-coated, beetle ridden mess of rocks and carpet.

Two more backwards steps, one more bowing of the head
Toddling ponderously past the indecision that accompanies
Every game of limbo ever played.
Wait! The territory has been conquered.
There is nothing left but the ache of the trials that had once been
And the remains of the moss that cling to your foot.

[NicoleMariex3]

wow.
i am not a critic or anything, so maybe you shouldn't go by me..
i love it though.
especially:

Two more backwards steps, one more bowing of the head
Toddling ponderously past the indecision that accompanies
Every game of limbo ever played.

[newtothis]

Thank you.

[fishingthe_sky]

Each undiscovered territory of the spine curved,
Pressure on the heels of work-worn, bare feet.
Every backwards step taking you one step forward
Every step forward throwing you back into the midst
Of owlish, anxious flashlight eyes gleaming out of the forest of green faces.
I feel like it would read better as "curved spine" in the first line; the sounds flow together nicely that way. I also don't like "anxious flashlight." It gets to be too wordy, too descriptive for it's own good. Owlish is a good word in its own right, containing a great number of implications. Let it have it's day in this line without being confined by other adjectives.

Ensnared under the suffocating bar of kudzu
Panic swirls around your head in a deep fog
Vision clouded with un-surety and the temptation to just give up
And fall onto the moss-coated, beetle ridden mess of rocks and carpet.
I think uncertainty would be much better in the third line. Un-surety it just too awkward, and you lose nothing in its meaning or syllables. Again, the last line suffers from being overly descriptive. Don't go for broke on these last lines, trying to cram every little bit of detail in them. They become cluttered, and while the scene gets more distinct, it also becomes lost in a fog because you're giving too much to put together.

Two more backwards steps, one more bowing of the head
Toddling ponderously past the indecision that accompanies
Every game of limbo ever played.
Wait! The territory has been conquered.
There is nothing left but the ache of the trials that had once been
And the remains of the moss that cling to your foot.
I think you could cut "ever played" without any ill effect. You did a great job keeping the second line from overwhelming the palate with sounds; it teeters on the edge, beckoning the reader to push it off, but you don't allow for us to actually do it. I feel like you could also reword the second to last line, so that it reads "Nothing is left but the ache of trials that had once been." Same with removing the "the" before moss. These little details condense the lines to their core and eliminate any extra wordage; they let the line get to the heart of the matter without any excess fat to contend with.

I really liked this piece. Props.

[newtothis]

I think I agree with a lot of this. I don't think I want to take out the words "ever played." I like the way they make the line sound. I feel like taking them out would make the line feel too... bare maybe. I want the reader to understand that, while this dilemma is personal, it is also universal. Do you understand what I mean? Not trying to be too nitpicky, but... X-) I'm just like that I guess. hehe.

[lostfear]

the vocabulary and imagery I get from this piece is awesome. =D thanks for sharing.

[fishingthe_sky]

I think I agree with a lot of this. I don't think I want to take out the words "ever played." I like the way they make the line sound. I feel like taking them out would make the line feel too... bare maybe. I want the reader to understand that, while this dilemma is personal, it is also universal. Do you understand what I mean? Not trying to be too nitpicky, but... X-) I'm just like that I guess. hehe.
I get what you're saying. I just don't feel that "ever played" is that pivotal to the line, both in sound and understanding. I think the line is just fine without it. But that's just my opinion.

[newtothis]

I get what you're saying. I just don't feel that "ever played" is that pivotal to the line, both in sound and understanding. I think the line is just fine without it. But that's just my opinion.

I get that. Thanks for the advice.