Not sure what to call this...

[Mike Smith]

I haven't posted on here in a while so i figured I would. This is a poem i wrote about war. What do you think?

Untitled:

Let the dawning day come
And let the dark clouds go
Let the sunshine throw into your heart,
A penetrating beam of hope
That pierces the dark crevices
Of anguish and disdain,
Created by vain longings
For freedom and equality:
Freedom from rules imposed by primitive reasoning
And liberation from the chains
Bound by skin color;

Lets the dawning day come
And let the dark clouds go
Let sunlight kill all
Seeds of hatred
Brought onto earth by
The never ending war
Caused by the manipulation
Of men who needs to meet their ends
Hatred created through superiority complex
Unfortunately infused into the young ones hearts
Let the dawning day come
And let the dark clouds go
And a new day will come
Where new hope will not be ignored

[Mike Smith]

Anyone have any insight or constructive criticism on this at all?

[anamericangod]

Full of cliche lines. "dawning day" "dark clouds" "beam of hope" "seeds of hatred"

Doesn't have much power/emotion to it. Feels like recycled adjectives you usually hear about the war. No urgency, nothing compelling to make the reader want to keep reading. It's not bad, but it's just kinda there.

[Mike Smith]

Full of cliche lines. "dawning day" "dark clouds" "beam of hope" "seeds of hatred"

Doesn't have much power/emotion to it. Feels like recycled adjectives you usually hear about the war. No urgency, nothing compelling to make the reader want to keep reading. It's not bad, but it's just kinda there.

Thanks, i might try to make it less obvious and more emotional/compelling then

Thanks for the input though. It helps me a lot for future pieces.