Spanish Moss

[goodnews]

You told me to watch the snowflakes
as they melted on your windshield
and decomposed like rotten leaves in the backyard.
You've always had an eye for those things,
the temporary, always fleeting
pain that settles in the caverns of your heart.
But April is no month for mourning
the loss of wintry things.
The sun is laying its claim over the land.
I'm dreaming of retreating to
a town with holy water,
washing the sins off of our mortal human flesh.
Drinking wine coolers in lawn chairs
twirling your sun-kissed hair
with my once-calloused, newly softened fingers.
And at night we'd sleep together,
our bodies intertwined,
lying in a hammock
beneath a Carolina sky.
Behind curtains of Spanish moss,
there are clearings in the woodlands.
We can find them and lay a trail to lead us back.
Like bootlegging outlaws
on the shores of the Outer Banks,
we could stay there and never go back.
Cause I don't need much in this world
Just four walls, a roof, and you, my girl
in the heavy shadow of Jockey's Ridge.
And at night we'd make love,
your body melting into mine,
on a pull-out couch,
beneath a Carolina sky.

[newtothis]

You told me to watch the snowflakes
as they melted on your windshield
and decomposed like rotten leaves in the backyard.
You've always had an eye for those things,
the temporary, always fleeting
pain that settles in the caverns of your heart.

I really like the imagery here. It sets a good tone. Just be careful not to try and push the images too far. For instance, "caverns of your heart" comes across as a little cheesy and out of sync with the rest of the lines. Also, "temporary, always fleeting" is somewhat repetitive. Try and find a new way to say what you mean or even to expand on the ideas in the first four lines.

But April is no month for mourning
the loss of wintry things.
The sun is laying its claim over the land.
I'm dreaming of retreating to
a town with holy water,
washing the sins off of our mortal human flesh.
Drinking wine coolers in lawn chairs
twirling your sun-kissed hair
with my once-calloused, newly softened fingers.

You have a definite shift here. While the first three lines tie this portion to the first, there really isn't anything to capturing or drawing to them. The rest is pretty decent. I especially like lines 4-7. Sun-kissed hair is somewhat of an odd phrase to use when earlier she was speaking of the snow and winter. Just be careful not to be contradictory.

And at night we'd sleep together,
our bodies intertwined,
lying in a hammock
beneath a Carolina sky.
Behind curtains of Spanish moss,
there are clearings in the woodlands.
We can find them and lay a trail to lead us back.
Like bootlegging outlaws
on the shores of the Outer Banks,
we could stay there and never go back.

I'm from North Carolina, so I have to say I'm a little biased towards your references. :) I really enjoyed this section. If you really want to make this portion striking though, try to make the descriptions more rich. Some good adjectives might work. That shouldn't be too hard if you've seen the Outer Banks, as I'm sure you have.

Cause I don't need much in this world
Just four walls, a roof, and you, my girl
in the heavy shadow of Jockey's Ridge.
And at night we'd make love,
your body melting into mine,
on a pull-out couch,
beneath a Carolina sky.

Other than the second line sounding a bit like a James Taylor song, everything seems fine here.

You have a good start. I liked this. :wave:

[goodnews]

I really like the imagery here. It sets a good tone. Just be careful not to try and push the images too far. For instance, "caverns of your heart" comes across as a little cheesy and out of sync with the rest of the lines. Also, "temporary, always fleeting" is somewhat repetitive. Try and find a new way to say what you mean or even to expand on the ideas in the first four lines.



You have a definite shift here. While the first three lines tie this portion to the first, there really isn't anything to capturing or drawing to them. The rest is pretty decent. I especially like lines 4-7. Sun-kissed hair is somewhat of an odd phrase to use when earlier she was speaking of the snow and winter. Just be careful not to be contradictory.



I'm from North Carolina, so I have to say I'm a little biased towards your references. :) I really enjoyed this section. If you really want to make this portion striking though, try to make the descriptions more rich. Some good adjectives might work. That shouldn't be too hard if you've seen the Outer Banks, as I'm sure you have.



Other than the second line sounding a bit like a James Taylor song, everything seems fine here.

You have a good start. I liked this. :wave:
Thanks. I can explain the "contradiction" between the line about "sun kissed hair" and the earlier discussion of winter. All of the lines about North Carolina are meant to be interpreted in the future tense, while the winter is in the past. Obviously she wouldn't have "sun kissed hair" in the winter, which is why I put that after I said that "I'm dreaming" of North Carolina, implying that I'm visualizing something in the future. I'll seriously consider your critique, though. It was constructive.

[newtothis]

No problem :) Just make sure you are making things clear. If you are going for ambiguity, just remember that you still want the poem to make sense.

[goodnews]

Any input from anyone else? Newtothis' critique was great, but I'd like some other opinions.