Untitled

[bootsydan]

A seasick blue
A sunburnt red
A yellowing green on the ground
I see a streak
A purple patch
To shake the leaves off my brown
But past the black
Is a golden orb
So I shall make my whites reflective
Cause a two inch pole
Can hide a twenty foot building
It all just depends on your perspective

EDIT: There is now a revised version in the comments. Could people please comment on that one instead?

[TK]

A seasick blue
A sunburnt red
A yellowing green on the ground
I see a streak
A purple patch
To shake the leaves off my brown
But past the black
Is a golden orb
So I shall make my whites reflective
Cause a two inch pole
Can hide a twenty foot building
It all just depends on your perspective

Seems really basic to me. I'm not a fan of your choice of adjectives in the first two lines, just seemed unoriginal to me. However, I really liked the last four lines. Overall, seems pretty forgettable, but like I said, the ending is nice.

[bootsydan]

Thanks.

My favourite lines were actually the first 3 and the last 3. It was the middle section I thought needed the most work?

EDIT: What didn't you like about the adjectives in the first couple of lines?

[bootsydan]

I did a quick revision:

A seasick blue
A sunburnt red
A yellowing green on the ground
A motor churns out
On the black burning bitumen
A shade that is nowhere bound
But the purple in the east
Became the purple in the west
And the whites never lost their direction
Cause a two inch pole
Can hide a twenty foot building
It all just depends on perspective


I really am interested to see how people interperet this.

[lew_1987]

I like the opening and the ending. I hated that line with 'brown' in it, but I see you've gotten rid of that now so it's better. Still not sure the 'whites' line really goes anywhere... but as I said, I really like the ending.

[Chigwinkle]

I quite like this, it's simple and interesting with some really cool focus on colours making it quite visual. The bitumen bit in the second version is definatly better.

Would be nice to see some punctuation though :)

[bootsydan]

I like the opening and the ending. I hated that line with 'brown' in it, but I see you've gotten rid of that now so it's better. Still not sure the 'whites' line really goes anywhere... but as I said, I really like the ending.

Thanks. I too hated that line haha. And I felt the white line in the original version was much too contrived - very abstract in a bad way. But in the revised version the white line ties in with the black line. It is more or less viewing the same thing (a road) but from a different perspective - which is the theme of the piece.
The black says the road goes nowhere. The white says that the road does have direction.

Another theme in the piece is travel - but that is purposely not very clear at all.

I quite like this, it's simple and interesting with some really cool focus on colours making it quite visual. The bitumen bit in the second version is definatly better.

Would be nice to see some punctuation though :)

Thanks for commenting. I agree - the bitumen line is much better.

[lew_1987]

Thanks. I too hated that line haha. And I felt the white line in the original version was much too contrived - very abstract in a bad way. But in the revised version the white line ties in with the black line. It is more or less viewing the same thing (a road) but from a different perspective - which is the theme of the piece.
The black says the road goes nowhere. The white says that the road does have direction.

Another theme in the piece is travel - but that is purposely not very clear at all.

I definitely got a sense of that, but it definitely isn't obvious which is good.

I think the ending really sums the 'perspective' bit up well, and serves to keep the piece short and sweet.

[Chigwinkle]

Yeah I got the whole travel thing. Seasick- like travelling on a boat, Sunburnt- travelling/ on holiday?

[bootsydan]

I'm selfishly bumping this.

[oh_how_lovely]

Yes, I'll have to agree with the choice of adjectives in the first two lines, a bit mundane.
but I like the alliteration and assonance in the lines 3-6, it has a nice flow.

[Vedanta]

This is actually O.K. This would probably make a good M.I.A song >.<

[fishingthe_sky]

A seasick blue
A sunburnt red
A yellowing green on the ground
A motor churns out
On the black burning bitumen
A shade that is nowhere bound
But the purple in the east
Became the purple in the west
And the whites never lost their direction
Cause a two inch pole
Can hide a twenty foot building
It all just depends on perspective

I like some of the images in this a lot. The first line is an image I would not be adverse to using in one of my own poems. "A shade that is nowhere bound' is also a great line. The sounds in the fifth line work well and avoid being overdone nicely. This begins to lose its momentum in the end, though. The two inch pole- twenty foot building idea is intriguing, but not quite working here to push forth a definitive idea in terms of the poem as a whole. The last line seems a bit like a throw away ending, too, tacked on to give the semblance of an ending but not really ending with the force or power that could be achieved here.

[bootsydan]

Yes, I'll have to agree with the choice of adjectives in the first two lines, a bit mundane.
but I like the alliteration and assonance in the lines 3-6, it has a nice flow.

Thanks for your comments.

This is actually O.K. This would probably make a good M.I.A song >.<

Thanks. What makes you think this would make a good M.I.A song? (I do quite like M.I.A, just not sure where you're coming from there)

A seasick blue
A sunburnt red
A yellowing green on the ground
A motor churns out
On the black burning bitumen
A shade that is nowhere bound
But the purple in the east
Became the purple in the west
And the whites never lost their direction
Cause a two inch pole
Can hide a twenty foot building
It all just depends on perspective

I like some of the images in this a lot. The first line is an image I would not be adverse to using in one of my own poems. "A shade that is nowhere bound' is also a great line. The sounds in the fifth line work well and avoid being overdone nicely. This begins to lose its momentum in the end, though. The two inch pole- twenty foot building idea is intriguing, but not quite working here to push forth a definitive idea in terms of the poem as a whole. The last line seems a bit like a throw away ending, too, tacked on to give the semblance of an ending but not really ending with the force or power that could be achieved here.

Thanks for your comments.

[TK]

Thanks.

My favourite lines were actually the first 3 and the last 3. It was the middle section I thought needed the most work?

EDIT: What didn't you like about the adjectives in the first couple of lines?

I just didn't care for the your adjectives. It's just a personal preference I suppose, I shouldn't have said unoriginal in my original post.

I did a quick revision:

A seasick blue
A sunburnt red
A yellowing green on the ground
A motor churns out
On the black burning bitumen
A shade that is nowhere bound
But the purple in the east
Became the purple in the west
And the whites never lost their direction
Cause a two inch pole
Can hide a twenty foot building
It all just depends on perspective


I really am interested to see how people interperet this.

I like the middle section a lot more now, and like I said, this seems simple, but it's a good simple. I definitely like this version better.