Social Suicide

[Whowolf]

NOTE: I wrote this awhile back , and on Punkdisasters , this is said to be one of my best songs , so i'd like to share it with you all.

Lonely Days and Silent Nights
drink myself to sleep
she left me a year ago
oh why is time so slow

let get drunk and ride around
shoot bullets into the sky
make my worries disapear
do you remember the time
I commited Social Suicide

a Death wish for my neighbor
I slept with his daughter
he hates my guts
who gives a fuck

call my mother
tell her I love her so
with the bullets in my gun
I'm going to hell

let the vodka do it's work
let her fade away
I'm sick tonight
as I commit the deed
Social Suicide

I lay on the couch
nothing to do
walk out to the streets
put the gun in the air
bullets everywhere

blood on the sidewalk
my thumb is numb
my face is blue
I head back home to head to bed
this is my Social Suicide

[The Personist]

This is riddled with cliches and empty imagery. It doesn't make me feel anything.

Punkdisasters, I guess, doesn't have very high standards.

[Whowolf]

thanks for your brutal honesty , guess I'll stick to my cover band gig

[Kalvsylta]

This is riddled with cliches and empty imagery. It doesn't make me feel anything.

Punkdisasters, I guess, doesn't have very high standards.

I have to ask you what you mean with "lots of cliches"...

[The Personist]

I have to ask you what you mean with "lots of cliches"...

Lonely Days and Silent Nights
Calling days lonely and nights silent like that isn't even poetic, but it's been very, very overdone.

drink myself to sleep
Alcoholism, and drinking to kill the pain, are very much overused devices.

she left me a year ago
oh why is time so slow
Time as a slow-moving entity is a cliche.


let get drunk and ride around
This is literally a line from a Boys Like Girls song, but the image itself is no less cliche than when they used it.

shoot bullets into the sky

make my worries disapear
Instead of addressing the worries that are the problem in this poem, you just make them disappear. It's cheating.

do you remember the time
I commited Social Suicide
Social suicide is from a Bad Religion song, a Motion City Soundtrack song, and it's an expression in our everyday lexicons. It's not even being used properly here, as it has more to do with committing a faux pas than being driven to death by society.


a Death wish for my neighbor
"I'm so angry, I wish you were dead." That sentiment is a cliche.

I slept with his daughter
The idea of sleeping with the girl next door is widely used and overused.

he hates my guts
Hating of guts is a cliche.

who gives a fuck
Pretended apathy (I mean, you obviously give a fuck if you're singing about it, so it's very ironic that you say "I don't care" by writing this) is a cop-out of a cliche. You don't care about the experiences you're writing about? Then don't write about them.

call my mother
Mother as an image of home and safety makes sense, but is fairly commonplace and is in no way interesting or fleshed out here.

tell her I love her so
Again, telling us what you're doing instead of showing it.

with the bullets in my gun
I'm going to hell
Again, a flimsy attempt to tell us you intend to kill yourself. But you do so in such a dispassionate way that it seems you don't actually want to end your life, you just want to be angry (see also the "I don't give a fuck" from above)

let the vodka do it's work
Mentioning your drinking as a means of hiding from pain without treating it in a unique or interesting way. Also, apathy--fuck everything, let's get drunk--is tough to make interesting.

let her fade away
Who? Your mom? The girl who left you in the first stanza? Your neighbor's daughter? Also, someone fading away is a cliche.

I'm sick tonight
as I commit the deed
Social Suicide
So you're sick as you die--but you seemed to tie up all your loose ends before, what with the mom and "I don't give a fuck" stuff you've got going on.

I lay on the couch
nothing to do
This has become emblematic of teenage angst and restlessness. It's also become cliche.

walk out to the streets
put the gun in the air
bullets everywhere
You accomplish nothing by shooting in the air. In fact, the whole "gun" thing makes you scary, and I feel no sympathy for you (not that I did before).

blood on the sidewalk
Cliche.

my thumb is numb
Stupid device that accomplishes nothing. Also, telling us how you feel is stupid. Show it.

my face is blue
Why? Don't show us; tell us. And this doesn't add anything.

I head back home to head to bed
this is my Social Suicide
Not an interesting end. First you treat Social Suicide as actual suicide, now it's a metaphor for shooting in the air and being angry and hating things. You just wanted to be angry.


I hope that clears things up.

[Kalvsylta]

I'm not going to quote everything you wrote.

Don't you think EVERYTHING is cliches? xD
At least it seems so.

What is not a cliche to you?

[The Personist]

It's not what you say, it's how you say it. There is no attempt to lift this out of common, already-been-done ways of putting things.

[Kalvsylta]

It's not what you say, it's how you say it. There is no attempt to lift this out of common, already-been-done ways of putting things.

Aha, I may be getting what you are saying! : )

[xidreamofyou32x]

I like parts of it

[SeeYouSeptember]

Why try?

[chickmgnt478]

i dont think its amazing at all but its definitly not terrible. and that was a little overboard on the defining cliches. nothing is hardly original anymore. but i do see his point where it can get old news

[Misstamara]

awesum !!

[Whowolf]

Lonely Days and Silent Nights
Calling days lonely and nights silent like that isn't even poetic, but it's been very, very overdone.

drink myself to sleep
Alcoholism, and drinking to kill the pain, are very much overused devices.

she left me a year ago
oh why is time so slow
Time as a slow-moving entity is a cliche.


let get drunk and ride around
This is literally a line from a Boys Like Girls song, but the image itself is no less cliche than when they used it.

shoot bullets into the sky

make my worries disapear
Instead of addressing the worries that are the problem in this poem, you just make them disappear. It's cheating.

do you remember the time
I commited Social Suicide
Social suicide is from a Bad Religion song, a Motion City Soundtrack song, and it's an expression in our everyday lexicons. It's not even being used properly here, as it has more to do with committing a faux pas than being driven to death by society.


a Death wish for my neighbor
"I'm so angry, I wish you were dead." That sentiment is a cliche.

I slept with his daughter
The idea of sleeping with the girl next door is widely used and overused.

he hates my guts
Hating of guts is a cliche.

who gives a fuck
Pretended apathy (I mean, you obviously give a fuck if you're singing about it, so it's very ironic that you say "I don't care" by writing this) is a cop-out of a cliche. You don't care about the experiences you're writing about? Then don't write about them.

call my mother
Mother as an image of home and safety makes sense, but is fairly commonplace and is in no way interesting or fleshed out here.

tell her I love her so
Again, telling us what you're doing instead of showing it.

with the bullets in my gun
I'm going to hell
Again, a flimsy attempt to tell us you intend to kill yourself. But you do so in such a dispassionate way that it seems you don't actually want to end your life, you just want to be angry (see also the "I don't give a fuck" from above)

let the vodka do it's work
Mentioning your drinking as a means of hiding from pain without treating it in a unique or interesting way. Also, apathy--fuck everything, let's get drunk--is tough to make interesting.

let her fade away
Who? Your mom? The girl who left you in the first stanza? Your neighbor's daughter? Also, someone fading away is a cliche.

I'm sick tonight
as I commit the deed
Social Suicide
So you're sick as you die--but you seemed to tie up all your loose ends before, what with the mom and "I don't give a fuck" stuff you've got going on.

I lay on the couch
nothing to do
This has become emblematic of teenage angst and restlessness. It's also become cliche.

walk out to the streets
put the gun in the air
bullets everywhere
You accomplish nothing by shooting in the air. In fact, the whole "gun" thing makes you scary, and I feel no sympathy for you (not that I did before).

blood on the sidewalk
Cliche.

my thumb is numb
Stupid device that accomplishes nothing. Also, telling us how you feel is stupid. Show it.

my face is blue
Why? Don't show us; tell us. And this doesn't add anything.

I head back home to head to bed
this is my Social Suicide
Not an interesting end. First you treat Social Suicide as actual suicide, now it's a metaphor for shooting in the air and being angry and hating things. You just wanted to be angry.


I hope that clears things up.

damn dude, your like a professional

[newtothis]

Lonely Days and Silent Nights
Calling days lonely and nights silent like that isn't even poetic, but it's been very, very overdone.

drink myself to sleep
Alcoholism, and drinking to kill the pain, are very much overused devices.

she left me a year ago
oh why is time so slow
Time as a slow-moving entity is a cliche.


let get drunk and ride around
This is literally a line from a Boys Like Girls song, but the image itself is no less cliche than when they used it.

shoot bullets into the sky

make my worries disapear
Instead of addressing the worries that are the problem in this poem, you just make them disappear. It's cheating.

do you remember the time
I commited Social Suicide
Social suicide is from a Bad Religion song, a Motion City Soundtrack song, and it's an expression in our everyday lexicons. It's not even being used properly here, as it has more to do with committing a faux pas than being driven to death by society.


a Death wish for my neighbor
"I'm so angry, I wish you were dead." That sentiment is a cliche.

I slept with his daughter
The idea of sleeping with the girl next door is widely used and overused.

he hates my guts
Hating of guts is a cliche.

who gives a fuck
Pretended apathy (I mean, you obviously give a fuck if you're singing about it, so it's very ironic that you say "I don't care" by writing this) is a cop-out of a cliche. You don't care about the experiences you're writing about? Then don't write about them.

call my mother
Mother as an image of home and safety makes sense, but is fairly commonplace and is in no way interesting or fleshed out here.

tell her I love her so
Again, telling us what you're doing instead of showing it.

with the bullets in my gun
I'm going to hell
Again, a flimsy attempt to tell us you intend to kill yourself. But you do so in such a dispassionate way that it seems you don't actually want to end your life, you just want to be angry (see also the "I don't give a fuck" from above)

let the vodka do it's work
Mentioning your drinking as a means of hiding from pain without treating it in a unique or interesting way. Also, apathy--fuck everything, let's get drunk--is tough to make interesting.

let her fade away
Who? Your mom? The girl who left you in the first stanza? Your neighbor's daughter? Also, someone fading away is a cliche.

I'm sick tonight
as I commit the deed
Social Suicide
So you're sick as you die--but you seemed to tie up all your loose ends before, what with the mom and "I don't give a fuck" stuff you've got going on.

I lay on the couch
nothing to do
This has become emblematic of teenage angst and restlessness. It's also become cliche.

walk out to the streets
put the gun in the air
bullets everywhere
You accomplish nothing by shooting in the air. In fact, the whole "gun" thing makes you scary, and I feel no sympathy for you (not that I did before).

blood on the sidewalk
Cliche.

my thumb is numb
Stupid device that accomplishes nothing. Also, telling us how you feel is stupid. Show it.

my face is blue
Why? Don't show us; tell us. And this doesn't add anything.

I head back home to head to bed
this is my Social Suicide
Not an interesting end. First you treat Social Suicide as actual suicide, now it's a metaphor for shooting in the air and being angry and hating things. You just wanted to be angry.


I hope that clears things up.
Very nice analysis.

[newtothis]

i dont think its amazing at all but its definitly not terrible. and that was a little overboard on the defining cliches. nothing is hardly original anymore. but i do see his point where it can get old news
That's not true at all. Every imaginable emotion and situation has been written about, yes, but if you write about it in a fresh way, it becomes original. Technically, everything can be original.

[The Personist]

damn dude, your like a professional


My sarcasm detector is off the charts. If you want comments, then accept criticism. It's how you grow as an artist.

[Whowolf]

My sarcasm detector is off the charts. If you want comments, then accept criticism. It's how you grow as an artist.

I was serious , you treated that like a professional.