http://www.absolutepunk.net/blogs.php?u=73245 Music=Life04's latest blog entries. en AbsolutePunk.net Blogs http://images.absolutepunk.net/images/misc/rss.jpg http://www.absolutepunk.net/blogs.php?u=73245 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=348582 Sat, 26 Nov 2011 07:34:46 GMT [B][SIZE=3][COLOR=DarkGreen]There's so much I want to tell you but i don't think I can because you are with her. You said you couldn't hang with me because it would ruin what you had, or whats left of what you had, with her. A lot of it is something I would only tell someone I am dating and I guess I am just so used to telling you it and I figure you would enjoy knowing that I still want to tell you. Things like I went shopping today and bought new pants, on pair being bright pink and I also bought two new bras so I now have more than two bras that you didn't buy me.[/COLOR][/SIZE][COLOR=DarkGreen][SIZE=3] I also think you would find the bras cute :) So you can obviously see how that would not be good to tell someone if they are with someone else. The other thing I want to tell you is more on a personal, emotional level. When I went off to Oshkosh naturally I was looking at other guys. I have become a bit picky with the guys I will date. After a month or so I realized that I was looking you someone exactly like you...I tried to brush it off but then things got rocky with her and you confided in me. I liked that you trusted me enough to confide in me. I still care about you like nobody's business and I hated to see ya hurt like that. Then I started to piece together everything that had gone wrong and realize how much of it really was my fault. i saw how immature I had been about a lot of things. Then just recently I lit the candle you gave me and remembered how much I love candles. It made me think of how big of a deal I made about you getting me flowers when you were giving me the other thing I love better than flowers, Candles. i realized how stupid I had been about the whole thing, how much I overreacted, how much i took for granted, how i expected so much more when you were really giving me what I wanted but I was too worried about what was going wrong to see that. I think I just never got the chance to see from an outside perspective because I was in the center of it all the time. I never had more than a day or two without you where I could realize what I was doing wrong and think about how we/I could fix it. Right now I just want to get back to being good friends because I don't want to ever loose you again.[/SIZE][/COLOR][/B] There's so much I want to tell you but i don't think I can because you are with her. You said you couldn't hang with me because it would ruin what you had, or whats left of what you had, with her. A lot of it is something I would only tell someone I am dating and I guess I am just so used to telling you it and I figure you would enjoy knowing that I still want to tell you. Things like I went shopping today and bought new pants, on pair being bright pink and I also bought two new bras so I now have more than two bras that you didn't buy me. I also think you would find the bras cute :) So you can obviously see how that would not be good to tell someone if they are with someone else. The other thing I want to tell you is more on a personal, emotional level. When I went off to Oshkosh naturally I was looking at other guys. I have become a bit picky with the guys I will date. After a month or so I realized that I was looking you someone exactly like you...I tried to brush it off but then things got rocky with her and you confided in me. I liked that you trusted me enough to confide in me. I still care about you like nobody's business and I hated to see ya hurt like that. Then I started to piece together everything that had gone wrong and realize how much of it really was my fault. i saw how immature I had been about a lot of things. Then just recently I lit the candle you gave me and remembered how much I love candles. It made me think of how big of a deal I made about you getting me flowers when you were giving me the other thing I love better than flowers, Candles. i realized how stupid I had been about the whole thing, how much I overreacted, how much i took for granted, how i expected so much more when you were really giving me what I wanted but I was too worried about what was going wrong to see that. I think I just never got the chance to see from an outside perspective because I was in the center of it all the time. I never had more than a day or two without you where I could realize what I was doing wrong and think about how we/I could fix it. Right now I just want to get back to being good friends because I don't want to ever loose you again. ]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=348582 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=344372 Wed, 21 Sep 2011 13:54:24 GMT [SIZE=3][COLOR=Teal]So im a bad friend because of what happened Sophomore year with Zack, but im still a bad friend when im trying to make myself happy and get some with a guy you messed around with, but think of you first and ask if it would bother you. You're upset i even asked? what the hell? at least i asked instead of just hooking up with him because thats how much i want to make myself happy and thats how much i cant handle loosing you and thats how much i put others before myself. Its kinda annoying that every guy you've dated, messed around with, madeout with, almost dated is completely off limits to me cuz it would bother you and you wouldnt speak to me if i went for them. Its unfair cuz you get to all the guys before I do. not to be harsh or a bitch but you're kinda a hore in that way. You fuck almost every guy you are/were friends with, you cheat on your boyfriend in doing that. I dont understand. I hope charles and you work out cuz he seems to be a really decent guy and if you mess this up I WILL be soooo mad at you for ruining what probably will be the best relationship of your life. im sorry if you read this and it seemed harsh and out of line; it probably was i just needed to vent. [/COLOR][/SIZE] So im a bad friend because of what happened Sophomore year with Zack, but im still a bad friend when im trying to make myself happy and get some with a guy you messed around with, but think of you first and ask if it would bother you. You're upset i even asked? what the hell? at least i asked instead of just hooking up with him because thats how much i want to make myself happy and thats how much i cant handle loosing you and thats how much i put others before myself. Its kinda annoying that every guy you've dated, messed around with, madeout with, almost dated is completely off limits to me cuz it would bother you and you wouldnt speak to me if i went for them. Its unfair cuz you get to all the guys before I do. not to be harsh or a bitch but you're kinda a hore in that way. You fuck almost every guy you are/were friends with, you cheat on your boyfriend in doing that. I dont understand. I hope charles and you work out cuz he seems to be a really decent guy and if you mess this up I WILL be soooo mad at you for ruining what probably will be the best relationship of your life.

im sorry if you read this and it seemed harsh and out of line; it probably was i just needed to vent.
]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=344372 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=342882 Mon, 29 Aug 2011 06:55:53 GMT [FONT=Times New Roman][SIZE=3][COLOR=Black]You were right i deserve so much better than you sorry ass. Only a tool wears a shirt that says 'wake up drunk, go to bed fucked.' I mean really how degrading is that toward women and to relationships in general. And your supposed to be looking for something 'real?' Fucking news flash, move on from your partying for no reason phase and you might just find something. Doubt you will otherwise. I am so fucking done with your family. Im done with this chapter of my life. I still dont regret it but i definitely learned a thing or two. I seriously cant fathom your thought process on life. It actually exhausts me trying to understand the things you do. Now I know why I was so tired and stressed all the time when I was with you. I just cant fucking handle you. [/COLOR][/SIZE][/FONT] You were right i deserve so much better than you sorry ass. Only a tool wears a shirt that says 'wake up drunk, go to bed fucked.' I mean really how degrading is that toward women and to relationships in general. And your supposed to be looking for something 'real?' Fucking news flash, move on from your partying for no reason phase and you might just find something. Doubt you will otherwise.

I am so fucking done with your family. Im done with this chapter of my life. I still dont regret it but i definitely learned a thing or two.
I seriously cant fathom your thought process on life. It actually exhausts me trying to understand the things you do. Now I know why I was so tired and stressed all the time when I was with you. I just cant fucking handle you.
]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=342882 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=342422 Sun, 21 Aug 2011 05:31:07 GMT [COLOR=DarkGreen][SIZE=3]Today (August 20 cuz its now after midnight) I went to Rock the Lakes in Milwaukee. I saw The Almost play and they were amazing. i also had them sign my Converse. Aaron Gillespie is so inspiring to me. There's something about that man that just makes me want to know more; know more about him, his ministry, his music and just about God. Every time I come in contact with him whether its in a video, music or at a concert God just resonates from him. God is doing great things within and through Aaron Gillespie. His music really speaks to me. There was a video shown today in which Aaron talked about his struggle with Pre-marital sex. That hit home for me because I have had sex with a guy im not even with anymore. He talked about feeling guilty and having a hole because of it. His talent and passion for music makes me think of my talent and passion for Art. I didnt discover my talent in art until i found Christ. Since then i have come to realize how much i love it, how much enjoyment i get out of it and how much God wants me to use it to spread his word. After a christian event or just on days when im overflowing His Glory I feel like expressing his glory and joy through Art. And then there are days when I come across Art and by the end of it my heart is about to exploding with joy and fulfillment. There's just something about God that makes me want to make art. [/SIZE][/COLOR] Today (August 20 cuz its now after midnight) I went to Rock the Lakes in Milwaukee. I saw The Almost play and they were amazing. i also had them sign my Converse. Aaron Gillespie is so inspiring to me. There's something about that man that just makes me want to know more; know more about him, his ministry, his music and just about God. Every time I come in contact with him whether its in a video, music or at a concert God just resonates from him. God is doing great things within and through Aaron Gillespie. His music really speaks to me. There was a video shown today in which Aaron talked about his struggle with Pre-marital sex. That hit home for me because I have had sex with a guy im not even with anymore. He talked about feeling guilty and having a hole because of it. His talent and passion for music makes me think of my talent and passion for Art. I didnt discover my talent in art until i found Christ. Since then i have come to realize how much i love it, how much enjoyment i get out of it and how much God wants me to use it to spread his word. After a christian event or just on days when im overflowing His Glory I feel like expressing his glory and joy through Art. And then there are days when I come across Art and by the end of it my heart is about to exploding with joy and fulfillment. There's just something about God that makes me want to make art. ]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=342422 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=341782 Wed, 10 Aug 2011 21:12:37 GMT [SIZE=3][COLOR=DarkOrchid]I am so ready for this all to be just a memory. A memory that doesn't hurt every time i come across anything that has to do with it. [/COLOR][/SIZE] I am so ready for this all to be just a memory. A memory that doesn't hurt every time i come across anything that has to do with it. ]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=341782 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=340562 Sat, 23 Jul 2011 21:14:17 GMT [SIZE=3][COLOR=DarkGreen]I dont understand how it doesnt kill you inside knowing the realationship is not going to get past sex. Usually relationships become stronger with sex but thats because relationships are not meant to begin with sex. You say you want something real. You arent going to find that if you are willing to have sex without strings attached. You have to want and fight for that relationship. Most girls that will have sex when they first meet you without having a real relationship first are not worth being with. They might end up just using you. Its not right. Its not healthy. I dont understand it and this is exactly why i told myself i would not ever do friends with benefits. It leaves me feeling empty because i feel like i should have someone there for more than sex. But im only getting the sex. I know you care about me but its hard to feel it when i know we arent together and probably wont ever be again. I feel like this stopping now is the best for both of us. I feel that neither of us will find what we are looking for if we keep it up. You will never find yourself and i will never find a guy you say i deserve. This is me reminding you that you are not the only one that wants something real. and you wont find something real if you keep this up. [/COLOR][/SIZE] I dont understand how it doesnt kill you inside knowing the realationship is not going to get past sex. Usually relationships become stronger with sex but thats because relationships are not meant to begin with sex. You say you want something real. You arent going to find that if you are willing to have sex without strings attached. You have to want and fight for that relationship. Most girls that will have sex when they first meet you without having a real relationship first are not worth being with. They might end up just using you. Its not right. Its not healthy. I dont understand it and this is exactly why i told myself i would not ever do friends with benefits. It leaves me feeling empty because i feel like i should have someone there for more than sex. But im only getting the sex. I know you care about me but its hard to feel it when i know we arent together and probably wont ever be again. I feel like this stopping now is the best for both of us. I feel that neither of us will find what we are looking for if we keep it up. You will never find yourself and i will never find a guy you say i deserve.

This is me reminding you that you are not the only one that wants something real. and you wont find something real if you keep this up.
]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=340562 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=340512 Sat, 23 Jul 2011 02:53:17 GMT You are one of many yet alone in one kind. Truly Unique. I have spoken yet you have not listened. I have forgiven you for your closed ears. Many are your plans, but it is my purpose for your life that will prevail should you choose a higher calling: [B][COLOR=Red]t[/COLOR][/B]he calling that i have for you. Do you not want to finish your course? I have groomed your path. Must you walk another way? The road ahead is not easy. You have made a mess of some areas, brought forth obstructions, but you know that i am with you. I long to be near you. I cannot force you to have a will near to my own. I fight for your soul. If you only knew the love i have for you, there would be less options in your mind. There is only one rig[B][COLOR=Red]h[/COLOR][/B]t answer. Do not push me away. My creation, choose to believe. Speak to me. follow me. Pick up your sword and fight to know me. I am knocking, invite me. Seek after me with all your h[B][COLOR=Red]e[/COLOR][/B]art and every bit of your strength and you will find me. You shall rest in the peace that i have for you. P[B][COLOR=Red]l[/COLOR][/B]ans to keep you. Please try. You must fight a good fight. You must ke[B][COLOR=Red]e[/COLOR][/B]p your faith. Do not fall to deception or trickery. Satan seeks to disable you. He has won some ground but i am claiming you back. Do not scoff at this letter. A day will come that i will bring to your remembrance [B][COLOR=Red]t[/COLOR][/B]his letter. You shall look into my face, a changed creation, one you have not yet met. Green pastures lie ahead, but you must figh[B][COLOR=Red]t[/COLOR][/B] through thorns and brush to get here. Please believe my message and pray for this writer. I deem you worthy of future success. I stand all around you. Where ev[B][COLOR=Red]e[/COLOR][/B]r you go i will follow. When i go you shall know. The emptiness you have needs my mercy filling, come to the water my river runs deep. Believe. Do not Doubt. Walk forward. The water is [B][COLOR=Red]r[/COLOR][/B]aging. Rage on. the calling that i have for you. Do you not want to finish your course? I have groomed your path. Must you walk another way? The road ahead is not easy. You have made a mess of some areas, brought forth obstructions, but you know that i am with you. I long to be near you. I cannot force you to have a will near to my own. I fight for your soul. If you only knew the love i have for you, there would be less options in your mind. There is only one right answer. Do not push me away. My creation, choose to believe. Speak to me. follow me. Pick up your sword and fight to know me. I am knocking, invite me. Seek after me with all your heart and every bit of your strength and you will find me. You shall rest in the peace that i have for you. Plans to keep you. Please try. You must fight a good fight. You must keep your faith. Do not fall to deception or trickery. Satan seeks to disable you. He has won some ground but i am claiming you back. Do not scoff at this letter. A day will come that i will bring to your remembrance this letter. You shall look into my face, a changed creation, one you have not yet met. Green pastures lie ahead, but you must fight through thorns and brush to get here. Please believe my message and pray for this writer. I deem you worthy of future success. I stand all around you. Where ever you go i will follow. When i go you shall know. The emptiness you have needs my mercy filling, come to the water my river runs deep. Believe. Do not Doubt. Walk forward. The water is raging. Rage on. ]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=340512 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=337951 Fri, 10 Jun 2011 14:21:39 GMT [COLOR=DarkGreen][SIZE=3]You are just a tad pathetic if you have to get revenge to make yourself feel better. Way to be the most selfish person on earth. Alex pisses me off so much. I try not to think about it but then it all comes at me at once and stays for a week. It sucks. I just want to leave waukesha. I hope someday soon he realizes how much of an asshole he is being and has been. I dont fucking need his apology. He's done enough damage. Normally I would want to try and patch things up but that last time just crushed every feeling i ever had for him and all the respect I had for him. I cant believe he doesnt think I tried. Ya ok. You were just my life back then. I gave up sleep for you, I gave up some friends for you and I gave up many of my own comforts for you. AND THE LAST TIME AROUND I STARTED READING THE SWORD OF TRUTH CUZ I NEW IT MEANT A LOT TO YOU. I even told you that the day you never texted me back. [/SIZE][/COLOR][COLOR=DarkGreen][SIZE=3]Alright ya i so was not committed. Jackass. [/SIZE][/COLOR][COLOR=DarkGreen][SIZE=3]Right now i feel the same way about you as i feel about your sister. I hate you both, dont understand you and dont want anything to do with you. If you really thought i was going to continue the conversation over text you've got another thing coming buddy. I cant make you anymore words to express how frustrated I am with you. Your mindset doesnt exist to my mind set. I cannot even begin to fathom it. Im speechless. Have fun screwing up your life. [/SIZE][/COLOR] You are just a tad pathetic if you have to get revenge to make yourself feel better. Way to be the most selfish person on earth.

Alex pisses me off so much. I try not to think about it but then it all comes at me at once and stays for a week. It sucks. I just want to leave waukesha. I hope someday soon he realizes how much of an asshole he is being and has been. I dont fucking need his apology. He's done enough damage. Normally I would want to try and patch things up but that last time just crushed every feeling i ever had for him and all the respect I had for him.

I cant believe he doesnt think I tried. Ya ok. You were just my life back then. I gave up sleep for you, I gave up some friends for you and I gave up many of my own comforts for you. AND THE LAST TIME AROUND I STARTED READING THE SWORD OF TRUTH CUZ I NEW IT MEANT A LOT TO YOU. I even told you that the day you never texted me back. Alright ya i so was not committed. Jackass.

Right now i feel the same way about you as i feel about your sister. I hate you both, dont understand you and dont want anything to do with you. If you really thought i was going to continue the conversation over text you've got another thing coming buddy.

I cant make you anymore words to express how frustrated I am with you. Your mindset doesnt exist to my mind set. I cannot even begin to fathom it.

Im speechless.

Have fun screwing up your life.

]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=337951 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=335421 Tue, 03 May 2011 13:56:34 GMT [COLOR=DarkRed][SIZE=3]Its a little ridiculous how much i cannot hold grudges. Im mad for a day and then i get over it lol.[/SIZE][/COLOR] Its a little ridiculous how much i cannot hold grudges. Im mad for a day and then i get over it lol. ]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=335421 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=335412 Tue, 03 May 2011 13:03:08 GMT [SIZE=3][COLOR=Red]today is my birthday, yay! So i really dont understand how im treating Alex like shit. It makes me feel bad if only i could see it how he does so i can change whatever i am doing to make him feel that way. I know that i have been very judgmental lately, Especially of Nadine. It shouldnt matter to me im not living her life. One part of loving God is to be like him, which in part means to share his unconditional love. Alex is in a bit of a hard place right now with no car and apparantly not liking some of the people he hangs out with. I shouldnt be so harsh and not talk to him because i might be the most real person he knows other than his mom. idk if thats conceided but i know what its like to feel alone and i feel like i should help someone not feel that way. I really dontt know how im not gonna be jealous. it might be easier now because Nadine and Nathan are dating again so that means she wont be going fo Alex anytime soon. But if im done with Alex then maybe I shouldnt care weather she goes for him or not. Idk i just dont think she is good for him. I need to listen without judging. It might be super hard but I feel like part of God and my religion is going to come out and i dont want to shove that on people. Perhaps just not shunning people because they drink or have sex..or even hang out with the 'wrong' people is a way to show that unconditional love. Hate the sin love the sinner. i feel the love of God so strongly right now and i just want to spread it like rabbits. lol But im afraid of how people will react :/ [/COLOR][/SIZE] today is my birthday, yay!

So i really dont understand how im treating Alex like shit. It makes me feel bad if only i could see it how he does so i can change whatever i am doing to make him feel that way. I know that i have been very judgmental lately, Especially of Nadine. It shouldnt matter to me im not living her life. One part of loving God is to be like him, which in part means to share his unconditional love. Alex is in a bit of a hard place right now with no car and apparantly not liking some of the people he hangs out with. I shouldnt be so harsh and not talk to him because i might be the most real person he knows other than his mom. idk if thats conceided but i know what its like to feel alone and i feel like i should help someone not feel that way. I really dontt know how im not gonna be jealous. it might be easier now because Nadine and Nathan are dating again so that means she wont be going fo Alex anytime soon. But if im done with Alex then maybe I shouldnt care weather she goes for him or not. Idk i just dont think she is good for him. I need to listen without judging. It might be super hard but I feel like part of God and my religion is going to come out and i dont want to shove that on people. Perhaps just not shunning people because they drink or have sex..or even hang out with the 'wrong' people is a way to show that unconditional love. Hate the sin love the sinner. i feel the love of God so strongly right now and i just want to spread it like rabbits. lol But im afraid of how people will react :/
]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=335412 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=334832 Fri, 22 Apr 2011 20:16:48 GMT [COLOR=Teal][SIZE=3]I went out on a limb today and talked to this guy Nathan. He is Nadine's, Alex's friend, ex. The relationship between Nathan and Nadine is almost identical to the relationship between me and Alex. I told him that i just needed someone to understand my point of view. I knew he would. I feel a ton better knowing i can talk to him about it and he understands everything i am saying and understands the emotions that some along with it. He also understands a lot of my other views such as drinking. We both think getting shitfaced and blackout drunk is really stupid. We stay away from parties like that because you often end up regretting something you do because your judgment becomes fuzzy. I really want to follow Christ but i dont want to let Alex go. But at the moment im a bit ok with it because im getting tired of trying to explain my view to Alex, but like Nathan said its not something you can explain. Its like trying to explain sight to a blind man. Its better to show them. I feel like I will be better able to show Alex my point of view as a friend. I just tell him my view and perhaps set an example. You cant force anything on anyone. Perhaps I should just hang out with him when i have a lot to tell him. Otherwise i will just let him do his own thing. I want to get his ring --->http://www.c28.com/shopping/productdetails.asp?recordid=11320&source=recentlyviewed&iadid=RecentlyViewed It says Jeremiah 29:11 which says "For i know the plans i have for you.Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" I want this ring so that i will be reminded everyday that whatever God has planned for me it is in my best interest even if his plans mean pulling me away from something I love dearly, such as Alex. [/SIZE][/COLOR] I went out on a limb today and talked to this guy Nathan. He is Nadine's, Alex's friend, ex. The relationship between Nathan and Nadine is almost identical to the relationship between me and Alex. I told him that i just needed someone to understand my point of view. I knew he would. I feel a ton better knowing i can talk to him about it and he understands everything i am saying and understands the emotions that some along with it. He also understands a lot of my other views such as drinking. We both think getting shitfaced and blackout drunk is really stupid. We stay away from parties like that because you often end up regretting something you do because your judgment becomes fuzzy. I really want to follow Christ but i dont want to let Alex go. But at the moment im a bit ok with it because im getting tired of trying to explain my view to Alex, but like Nathan said its not something you can explain. Its like trying to explain sight to a blind man. Its better to show them. I feel like I will be better able to show Alex my point of view as a friend. I just tell him my view and perhaps set an example. You cant force anything on anyone. Perhaps I should just hang out with him when i have a lot to tell him. Otherwise i will just let him do his own thing. I want to get his ring
--->http://www.c28.com/shopping/productd...cently Viewed
It says Jeremiah 29:11 which says "For i know the plans i have for you.Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future"
I want this ring so that i will be reminded everyday that whatever God has planned for me it is in my best interest even if his plans mean pulling me away from something I love dearly, such as Alex.
]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=334832 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=334492 Sun, 17 Apr 2011 06:10:02 GMT [SIZE=3][COLOR=DarkOrchid]so he obviously is done so i might as well be done. Im moving on and not dwelling on it at all. There is absolutely no hope for us being more than friends. I am just done. Prolly wont talk to him for awhile either. Not gonna sit in the library with him anymore. I'll get more done anyway. IM DONE. [/COLOR][/SIZE] so he obviously is done so i might as well be done. Im moving on and not dwelling on it at all. There is absolutely no hope for us being more than friends. I am just done. Prolly wont talk to him for awhile either. Not gonna sit in the library with him anymore. I'll get more done anyway.

IM DONE.
]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=334492 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=334442 Sat, 16 Apr 2011 14:20:06 GMT [COLOR=DarkOrange][SIZE=3]April 16, 2011 Right now my favorite people are Lacey and Alex. They mean the most to me. If anyone of them died i would hurt the most and just prolly not know what to do. What I think God is teaching me: 1. trust him (trusting that he will make off things right if i surrender to his will. i.e. trusting that sometimes the most hurtful path is the best in the end) 2. letting him control my life. (moving over to the passenger seat so God can take the wheel.) 3. how to be friends ,just friends of the opposite sex. 4. communication is key to any relationship and i shouldn't just not say anything, i have to speak my mind even if its going to upset some people. 5. Perhaps he wants me to influence others with my faith or something. I seem to be able to give more people advice even as im dealing with this. But i really need to learn how to be brutally honest. Especially with myself. I true friend will tell you the truth, not just what will make you feel better. Sometimes you just cant tell someone what they want to hear. Its so hard for me to communicate the 'bad' stuff to people. The things that i dont like or that is hurting me. Sometimes i find it hard to decipher the stuff i have to just deal with or the stuff i can do something about and should bring to someone's attention. Its so hard to let go because this is something that i could still take control of. Im choosing not to because im a little curious to see what God has in store for me. I have it when people say 'just listen to your heart' But when i listen to my heart i still get too different answers. The message that is stronger depends on my mood. Although even when its saying 'go back to alex, you love him deeply, you want to fix this, he still wants you it could work,' There is still a hesitance in me. I want it to pick up where we left off but i know it wont be like that because we both were hurt and i think we both have changed in our own way in the past 2 months. I dont know if he will ever love me the way he did again. I also dont know if he will ever stop loving me that way. I dont know if I will stop loving him that way. I noticed i mostly miss the physical aspect of it. I miss getting a hug every day, getting a kiss every day. I miss the sex, i miss the cuddling. There are times when i genuinely miss him, his personality but not as often. I dont know if i really ever knew him, I dont feel like I ever really understood him. I did but not fully. I dont think he fully understands me. I dont know if that is from the lack of communication or just that we are very different. There were a lot of times when we were dating when i did not know what to talk to him about. [/SIZE][/COLOR][SIZE=3][COLOR=DarkOrange]You know you can't give me what I need. And even though you mean so much to me, I can't wait through everything, [/COLOR][/SIZE] April 16, 2011

Right now my favorite people are Lacey and Alex. They mean the most to me. If anyone of them died i would hurt the most and just prolly not know what to do.
What I think God is teaching me:
1. trust him (trusting that he will make off things right if i surrender to his will. i.e. trusting that sometimes the most hurtful path is the best in the end)
2. letting him control my life. (moving over to the passenger seat so God can take the wheel.)
3. how to be friends ,just friends of the opposite sex.
4. communication is key to any relationship and i shouldn't just not say anything, i have to speak my mind even if its going to upset some people.
5. Perhaps he wants me to influence others with my faith or something. I seem to be able to give more people advice even as im dealing with this. But i really need to learn how to be brutally honest. Especially with myself. I true friend will tell you the truth, not just what will make you feel better. Sometimes you just cant tell someone what they want to hear.

Its so hard for me to communicate the 'bad' stuff to people. The things that i dont like or that is hurting me. Sometimes i find it hard to decipher the stuff i have to just deal with or the stuff i can do something about and should bring to someone's attention.

Its so hard to let go because this is something that i could still take control of. Im choosing not to because im a little curious to see what God has in store for me. I have it when people say 'just listen to your heart' But when i listen to my heart i still get too different answers. The message that is stronger depends on my mood. Although even when its saying 'go back to alex, you love him deeply, you want to fix this, he still wants you it could work,' There is still a hesitance in me. I want it to pick up where we left off but i know it wont be like that because we both were hurt and i think we both have changed in our own way in the past 2 months. I dont know if he will ever love me the way he did again. I also dont know if he will ever stop loving me that way. I dont know if I will stop loving him that way. I noticed i mostly miss the physical aspect of it. I miss getting a hug every day, getting a kiss every day. I miss the sex, i miss the cuddling. There are times when i genuinely miss him, his personality but not as often. I dont know if i really ever knew him, I dont feel like I ever really understood him. I did but not fully. I dont think he fully understands me. I dont know if that is from the lack of communication or just that we are very different. There were a lot of times when we were dating when i did not know what to talk to him about.

You know you can't give me what I need.
And even though you mean so much to me,
I can't wait through everything, ]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=334442 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=334421 Sat, 16 Apr 2011 04:40:24 GMT [SIZE=3][COLOR=Red]So i changed Alex to Gibbs in my phone. That way he's not the first contact i see and it helps me think of him as a friend because my brother calls him Gibbs due to the fact that we know a ton of alex's. idk i will actually call him Gibbs though. [/COLOR][/SIZE] So i changed Alex to Gibbs in my phone. That way he's not the first contact i see and it helps me think of him as a friend because my brother calls him Gibbs due to the fact that we know a ton of alex's. idk i will actually call him Gibbs though. ]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=334421 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=334401 Fri, 15 Apr 2011 18:57:41 GMT [SIZE=3][COLOR=RoyalBlue]seriously though Alex, If you are still reading this ignore all of this. I might as well take this off my fb page like you did yours. Just getting it off my chest helps me focus and forget about it for a day or two. That way im not dwelling on it. [/COLOR][/SIZE] seriously though Alex, If you are still reading this ignore all of this. I might as well take this off my fb page like you did yours. Just getting it off my chest helps me focus and forget about it for a day or two. That way im not dwelling on it. ]]> Music=Life04 http://www.absolutepunk.net/journal.php?do=showentry&e=334401