x0MissPriss's Blog

Life <3

x0MissPriss — Thu, 10 May 2012 14:24:45 GMT

My little Zander will be 1 in 16 day's, I can't believe that.
One year ago, I was sitting here impatiently waiting for my little man to make his grand appearance into the world, holding my
tummy and begging him everyday to just come, those last two weeks seemed like they went by so slow.
Now that he is here, time has just flown by, it crazy how fast life passes you by once you are raising your own child and you
are going through all the changed and different stages in their lives.
I've been through him sitting up for the first time, to him crawling, to him waving bye, and saying mama, and now
I am experiencing him taking his first steps. He drives me crazy sometimes, but I love being a mommy, its the most rewarding thing that I have ever experienced. Greatest gift ever given to me. <3

My life is going surprisingly great, I have a wonderful son, and an awesome fiance, what more can I ask for. I also have the supportive family along with it, Me and Chris are doing great in my opinion, we argue every now and then, but it never changes anything and we get through it, that is really all you can hope for in a relationship as they are pretty unpredictable. He seems to think we are absolutely horrible when we argue, but I think it actually might be unhealthy to not argue, considering that would mean both people are holding a lot of frustrations and concerns to themselves. I do know that I found my soul mate, and together we have an amazing family <3
He has mentioned getting married in the fall a few times, I would love to, so I think I need to start planning it, and getting on a price budget, because I think we are in the right time and place to do so, we have been together two years and have our little boy : D

Chris started his new job at Gas America today, I am so proud of him! Now I need to continue my search for my job and we will be set, even though jobs are not easy to come by in this town, but all I can do is keep trying, and hope something hits, until then I am a stay at home mommy, and trust me I do not like that title, I need to get out of this house and socialize with some one other than my baby who just waves bye bye to me when I talk. Apparently I am dismissed and he doesn't want my conversation.

heh.

x0MissPriss — Sat, 05 May 2012 02:16:32 GMT

It's unbelievable to think that in 23 short day's Zander will be one year old.
He has grown into such an awesome little man, so independent and outgoing and full of life.
No worries in the world besides having fun and sleeping. He is crawling around and getting into stuff,
and has such a little attitude on him, its hilarious. This past year I have went from not knowing what to do with a baby
growing into a mother, I never thought I could worry this much over stuff he does!
I am so proud and happy for his accomplishments, but at the same time it makes me sad to think about how little
he was when I brought him home from the hospital, he would just lay there and sleep on me for hours,
and now I can't get him to stay still long enough to give me a hug, he is just always on them move,
and here in a few weeks, he will be a full time walker, so i guess I have a toddler on my hands now.

It's crazy to think how drastically my life changed since I first found out I was pregnant,
I was a completely different person, my thought before Zander was "Lets find the alcohol and drugs" and I would spend my night
just partying. But now I am a mom so my only concern is Zander, and what he is doing, and new things he is doing, and going to be early so I can wake up to him every morning. He is growing into such a mommy's boy and I love it!!

I'm not even sure why I write in this thing anymore, I guess its nice to look back and read on different parts of my life, and
see what I've been through to be standing where I am at this current moment. The downside is the baby daddy stalks it. I guess he wants to read the dirt on himself, even though it's not really talking shit or dirt, it's just simply getting things off my chest, I guess its
a way for it to not build up inside and erupt later on in a fight?
Maybe he should be thankful I get on here to talk smack haha. Or maybe not.

Latest drama in my life hmm lets see, nothing really except that I hate that I always find guys that have kids.
What do I have on my forehead "free baby sitter" or something, " Or maybe I just hate it this time around because Chris's baby mama, sucks in every aspect of her being, she has nothing going for her, she is the rudest and meanest, and most negative person I have ever seen in my existence, she kind of makes me sick and every time I think about her or he mentions her, my stomach ties up into little bitty knots, and I want to explode my hatred for her stinking guts. I mean what kind of woman takes kids from their daddy that did absolutely nothing to the kids, she did it for pure meanness because she obviously has no heart. Then turns around and calls me a bitch and a cunt to my face because she can't handle the fact that Chris found himself a better WOMAN, he exchanged a little ass kid for someone mature enough to handle the responsibility of having a kid, and not ruining and fucking up its life by taking their daddy away.
Don't get me wrong if he deserved it I would understand but in this situation it isn't deserved. But seriously, she is horrible, and yet I get told I have to "respect" her because that is his children's mother? fuck that I am his baby mama to and if she crosses me wrong again we are going to have serious problems, he better not even let her talk bad about me to him, and not defend me. Because that is more than just one problem at that point..
Not that it doesnt make me happy to see his face light up now that him and her are chatting a little bit, and that he might get to see his kids thats awesome, and I would LOVE for Zander to meet his big brother and sister!! But boundaries are going to be set and I am not going to be unhappy and uncomfortable, just because she thinks she is bad ass and can do and say and disrespect people as she damn well pleases, because when it comes to me she has another thing coming.

Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, I want to say that I was all for respecting her and being nice, but in return for that I got called awful names and everyone got told I had an STD (which I don't) and she was outright rude, so I think I got to my breaking point on her, and just realized she has a bad personality, and bad character.
But then again Chris seems to think I am jealous of her I mean for what? She is just about the rudest bitch I have ever met, she has nothing going for her, and OH if she and him were to get back together they would be welcomed by his family in the house we are living in now. I'm jealous, when I have an AWESOME son, and AWESOME life, his parents like me and respect me, and like having me and Zander here, but they hate Alysa for the exact same reasons I do, she was disrespectful and said nasty and mean things to them when they were putting a roof over her head for all the years she lived her. She is an ungrateful little bitch.
But yep Chris is right I am so jealous, if he actually wanted to get back with her, that's fine by me, he is down grading and leaving me for a piece of fifty trash, but I guess he took it out years ago, and went back to the garbage and dug it out!!! I would pity him and feel sorry for him being with someone like that, while me and Zander were HAPPY together, while he is miserable.
Because it seems to me from all the stories I've heard from multiple people on how mean she was.

Wow i could rant and rave for ever because of him just calling me jealous, I am so flipping mad right now.
If he wants me to support him talking to her and not have me bitching than comments like that is NOT the way to go.
Unfortunate to tell him but not only does he have 1 baby mama he has 2 and my thoughts matter, my feelings matter.

UGH!

Late night rambling

x0MissPriss — Mon, 12 Mar 2012 02:14:51 GMT

I want so badly for things to work, not just for me, but for us, for Zander..
I grew up without a dad, and that is something I would never want to be the cause of
for Zander and his life. I just feel like thing's are falling apart when we argue, even if it is something
little, because I get so angry. I wish things could just be stress free, and we could be more patient towards one another.
I don't like the thought that I make him mad, no more that he probably likes it, but yet we still do it.
I know a lot of it is the added stress of the baby, and being tired, and having no money, I just wish it would all go away.
Sometimes I don't even know why I let my anger get the best of me, I wish I had more of an opportunity to just
sit and chill, but it's hard to do when I share my room with my 9 month old, and when I live with Chris's parents
so I am confined in our bed room when we are home unless, I am cleaning, cooking or taking a shower.
I wish we had a place of our own, I think it would help us out tremendously, we would have a big wide open place, Zander would have a room of his own to play in, and if me and Chris needed our space we would have plenty of it.

I also think we are getting way over our heads on buying this house sometimes though, I mean we don't even have jobs
yet, and this has HAS to have stuff done to it, that will be quite costly, and it's stuff that can't wait after his parents move out. We are jumping quite fast into it, and I don't think sometimes that it is in our best interest, I mean I like the idea, but I have no money, I have no job, Chris has no job, and I mean a stable job, we can go get a temp job at any time, and make money, but a job that I know for sure we are going back to every single day, so that way we are not relying on a temp job, and having the problem of getting let go, for any reasons at all, and then having to worry about work and money to pay rent the next month, that's live day by day, I don't like that. I want to live for my future, I want a good stable job, and I want an apartment, for Zander to run around in, and for me to sit in the living room. I want a place that after a few years I can take the next step and decide that I want to purchase a home and settle down, instead of buying a house now, and then deciding we don't want to live here anymore, which is hassle with selling it, renovating it, and whatever else we are going to have to do. What if we decide we don't work out, and we have bought this house, then who gets it? Does he get it, because it was his parents and I and the baby have to go through the struggle of either A) moving and being cramped in a house with my parents, or B) not really having options and places to go. Same goes for him, I mean there are just so many factors that make me not want to buy it, but there are also factors that do make me want to buy it.
All in all I don't see myself wanting to stay in Anderson, I want to take baby steps before I jump and do the big stuff so it does not blow up in my face later.

I think the first step we need to take, and this will make us healthier also is finding jobs, I want to work a waitressing job, I think it will help bring me out of my shell, and make me way more active than I am now, I also won't be working 40+ hours a week, and be able to spend as much time at home with Zander as possible, which sounds great to me. I wish Chris understood that, I don't want him at my mom's or grandmas all the time, I want him home with me, not home with me when I get home from work and I am already tired, and he goes to bed in 4 hours, and I have to get him in bed early so I can get some sleep for work, all I will do is work, go pick up the baby, come home, eat, shower, sleep and rinse and repeat. I don't feel like I will be a mommy at that point, I feel he is going to get VERY attached to my mom, I'm just not ready for that type of separation yet, it really bothers me. I know I need some sort of job, I need to pull my own weight, and I need to bring in some income, and I am willing to do that, just got 40 hours a week, 25 hours a week was itself hard enough to adjust to. I wish Chris would be more willing to put in applications, and find a job, and put forth the effort and if not for me, than at-least for Zander. He just says he doesn't have to because he knows that tomorrow he will have a job at nestle (through a temp service) but if something goes wrong with that job that we are back at square one, we are never moving from that position, its just a constant struggle, we start to get to the point that we are doing good and we have money, and then we fall backwards again, before we know it we are being tight with every penny, and then we are broke. I just wish he would accept the fact that he is going to have to settle, and something I feel like that is some of our issues, I am not disappointed in the person he is, I love him, I love his personality, I love a lot of stuff about it. I just feel it's unfair to both me and my son, that we are sitting around waiting for something to happen, and it's just not.

I know in time things will only get easier, and that we will look back and this all will just be a part of our past, we will be onto bigger and better things, but I just wish there was a fast forward button to get through it a lot faster, of course with Zander not aging any faster haha. I am determined to spend my life with him, and have our family, and build more family together, and accomplish wonderful things for our lives. I am not giving up, I found who completes me, and brings out my strengths and my weaknesses, it's just a matter of pushing all the bad stuff that happens aside, and moving past it, forgive and forget, I try not to dwell on little things that I probably would have in past relationships. But I've grown up a lot since then, and I am in a whole new place in my life. Everything just happened so fast with Chris and I, we went from being together to celebrating our one year anniversary, AND our son turning two months old all at the same time, we were going to parent together before we got the chance to even know each other, which added the stress.

But the fact that we made it this far through it, has to say something right

haha goodnight.

Quick update

x0MissPriss — Sat, 10 Mar 2012 18:46:38 GMT

Life has it's ups and downs lately, I'm not sure which out weigh's which at this moment.

Life with a 9 month old is a little more rough than I anticipated, he is the most needy child I have ever met, he want's held constantly, he is constantly crying and whining over something, he wakes up a million times a night still. He drives me crazy but he is still my little man, and still the light of my life, and I wouldn't have life without him. I just wish he would give me a break every once and a while, but I think that's to much to ask for. On the positive side, he is crawling, and saying mama, dada, and baba, he is healthy at 20 pounds, and 27 inches long.
It is also going to be summer soon, so I can't wait to start taking him outside to play, and I can't wait until he is walking, hopefully he will develop some independence with it.

Life with Chris is great, we have been arguing lately which is a little stressful but it's normal too.
I don't expect us not to fight and be like the perfect couple, because nothing in life goes perfect, I guess it just matters
if we are willing to sit it out, and not give up just because things in life get a little rocky.
I think my only complaint about this relationship is that he would be more willing to go out and find a job.
His theory is "Why should I go out and work a job making 7.25 an hour when I have always made 10 or over" or "why should I have to work a job I dislike" I don't know how to explain to him, that those people working fast food, is making $7.25 an hour more than he is making being unemployed, and that he doesn't have to stop there, he can keep looking, but for now that would be in the best of interest. I don't know why he expects to like every single job, no body does, but they just do it, for their family, for their homes, for them, you have to have motivation in life to do it. I see all these mommy's out there that get to stay at home be with the kids, clean the house and have diner on the table for when dad gets home, but I don't feel like I can do that, I feel like I have to find a job and go out and make ends meat, because no one else is going to, and I don't want to be viewed as the woman that supports the family. I don't want Zander seeing it, and thinking is it perfectly okay, I want him to be a hard successful worker in life.
I'm by no means, talking shit about Chris, he is wonderful to me and Zander, he loves us, he respects me, and would do anything for me, I just wish he would grow up on a few aspects and do what he has to do for me and Zander so we can have a good comfortable life together.

I just want a good life with our family, I want a beautiful house that we worked our asses off to obtain and make our own,
I want a family with Zander and add another little baby girl or boy to our family when we are more established, I want stable jobs that eventually we work our way to that we both enjoy. I want to be happy and healthy, not having to borrow money off people to pay a bill, or relying on temporary jobs, I think it's just about what everyone wants out of life. I just look into the future, and I see great things for us, I mean we have our differences and we make each other mad, and we fight but at the end of the day we still love each other and I can't imagine not going to sleep at night with him, and Zander seeing his daddy every day.

I wish life with my family was better to over the past year me and my mom have built a great relationship, she loves Zander we see each other and talk daily. But in return my relationship with my grandmother has went down hill, which sucks she did raise me, but I have tried everything in my power to rebuild the relationship and try to make it better. She just holdes a grudge and let me just say a grudge for nothing that I have done. She think it is unfair that she does not get to keep Zander over night, but I have told her 1000 times, that he is my son I want him home, not gone all the time I am a mommy, mommy's don't get to get rid of their kids all the time, I am supposed to be there with him all the time and that's how I want it. Let me not forget to add that she has been fighting with me since he has been born, so she will like me for a week and then after that tell me she never wants to talk to me again and then not talk to me for a month, so Zander does not know her, he is uncomfortable around her, and I feel like a mean mommy making him go I am sitting at home relaxing while he is somewhere upset and wondering why he has to be there without me.
Ugh it just sucks, I don't want her to take things so personally and I have told her that but she twist's everything I have to say.

I just try to look at the positive in life, I have a lot of things to be thankful for, a healthy beautiful baby boy, a family, my sister, brother, mom, and step dad. I have Chris by my side every step of the way. I am healthy and a live, I just got my second car, why i sit and focus on the negative in my life is beyond me.

stay at home mommmmyyy

x0MissPriss — Wed, 16 Nov 2011 16:17:25 GMT

What to do sitting at home being a stay at home mommy now? Besides lose my damn mind.
No but really, lol in all seriousness. I never thought it would be so boring sitting at home all the time,
especially with my 6 month old son, I am going to learn the baby language before it's done and over with.
I thought this would give me the opportunity to sleep more and not be so tired,
but with a baby that isn't that easy, he refuses to sleep through the night, and he hates naps,
so I am constantly running in circles with my little man.

Zander has been making great progress though, every single day I look at my little man,
and I am just thankful that i have him. I always thought that mother hood was something I would not be able to experience,
I was told by my family Dr. that it would take a lot of work, and it was never reality to me.
But now that I have him, I am trying to cherish everything. I can't believe my eyes, when I see the personality that he
has developed over the last 5 months, he is sitting up, he is playing with toys, and making tons of noise, before I know it he will be running around yelling mommy. I hate to see him growing up, but at the same time I can't wait to go through the new changes all at the same time. This year will be my very first Christmas, and Thanksgiving with Zander, so it will be mine, Zander's and Chris's all for the first time as a family, and I am stoked, I cant wait to experience this together.

I take a step back and look at all of these broken families, and look at all the single mothers, and fathers out there, and I am so happy
that my family is not like that, it will never be like that, regardless of where life takes me and Chris, we will always be a family, and always be friends, and take care of this baby together, my son will know what a true family is. I couldn't find a better dad for Zander.
Everything in my life might not be perfect but I do know one thing that at the end of the day I will still have my family to have my back and support me. No matter what I do, they will love me regardless. Which I think is the best feeling in the world. I look back on my life, and where I have been and all the wrong things I have done in the past, and in the past 2 years I have grown so much as a person, I have a completely different outlook on my life. My main focus is not on drugs, and partying anymore, it is on me, Zander and Chris.
The only thing I was in the world for all of us is success, success as parents, success and providing a home for our family ,success at accomplishing our goals, and being as happy as we can be happy.

The only way to do anything or be anything in life is hard work, and my family is my motivation, I want Zander to have everything he needs, I want to be comfortable with myself, and that I can pay my bills every month, and put food on the table. I need to find a job and get on it, to provide this. Chris started at Nestle, and I could not be more happy, and proud of him for making a step forward, hopefully it is enough to get us back up on our feet, and start making a living with us. Hopefully I will have an easy time finding myself a part time job, so I don't have to be away from Zander as much, but still help with income.

I am also wanting to try getting back on the path of losing weight, and getting back to my per-pregnancy weight. I don't have much weight to lose around 25 pounds, but with how small I am and short, every pound makes a difference, but I also want a baby girl sometime in the future, so what the point of working my ass off, and then gaining this weight again, I want to be healthy and in shape though so I can feel more confident in myself, which makes me so much happier, and in a way better mood.
we will see where I get with this though, I have a lot of trouble motivating myself to keep going on that aspect

=D

x0MissPriss — Fri, 21 Oct 2011 15:29:44 GMT

[CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER]I am so stoked for this weekend and this week, for the first time since Zander has been born I am going to be able to just[/CENTER] [CENTER]sit down and releax, and spend and entire 7 day's with my baby boy. I have been going non stop always having something to do ,even[/CENTER] [CENTER]on my days off for work, but this week I am setting everything aside and enjoying my time. [/CENTER] [CENTER]Not to mention I get the entire week with my little man, which is great I haven't gotten to do that in a while. [/CENTER] [CENTER]I just want everything to go back to the way it was before Zander was born, but with him here.[/CENTER] [CENTER]I want me and Chris to get along better, I want to not be so stressed out all the time about everything. [/CENTER] [CENTER]I just want me and my family to be happy together, enjoy the time we have together, and live life![/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER]I am however getting fed up with my ex's messaging me like nothing has changed, " OH I miss you," it's like HELLO, since we broke up[/CENTER] [CENTER]I have, had a baby, gotten engaged, gotten my life together with a car, a job, and a stable place to live, and what are you doing? OHH Still partying, still jobless, homeless, and carless, and still in the same situation you were when I left your sorry ass. Seriously what does he think is so apealing about the situation, he screwed me out of my aprtment, and I had a really ruff year trying to bounce back, and then he expect for an apology and an I miss you to be good enough? I even tried telling him nicely that I have a family and I have to conisder and worry about their feelings in every move I make, and that hanging out was not good. My goodness I have so much hate in me built up about the sitatuion [/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER]But I am glad it all happened, if it didn't I would of never met Chris, I would of never had Zander, and who knows where my life would be right now, probably settling for nothing, and partying all the time, something I no longer do and I feel so much better now that I don't. my mind is more clear, I can think straight, I can take care of myself, everything is working out perfect. The choices we make in life, is what makes us who we are, I have learnt from my mistakes and would never repeat them.[/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER]Which is why I hate that Chris is so paranoid that I am going to cheat on him, what reasons do I have? He has given me the best thing anybody else could not have done, and that is my baby boy, he has taken care of me, given me a place to life, considered my feeling, changed his entire life around for me and his baby, he has been a wonderful dad, and good support system, he doesn't beat me, drink or do drugs. He is the best thing I could of ever asked for. But even if I tell him these things 1000 times over, it wouldn't make a difference. I may have cheated on people in the past, but since then, I have grown up, experienced, someone that actually loves me the way I do them, experienced becoming a mommy, and for the first time in 5 years sobriety, back then when I was cheating, I had nothing to lose, and i was constantly doing drugs and drinking my mind was not on straight, plus my choice in guys was just horrible! [/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER]Really though I feel like I have had a year to gain his trust. I have been good to him, I have tried to be the best girlfriend I can be, and give him my all, I am a good mom I think I deserve the trust I wouldn't even conisder screwing up my family, that I have worked so hard for, and tried my best to keep happy. I hope overtime though he will get more comfortable with me not going to cheat on him. I guess I just have to show people how much I have changed, and how much I was to remain on the right track with my life, I don't want to end up single, with a baby by myself, working constantly to support us, trying to figure out how to afford a place and stuff for my baby, I would rather be with someone I love, and care about rather than risk losing it, and being all alone, everything right now is perfect, except for the arguing but that is never going to completly stop![/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER]Other than some minor things stressing me out, such as money, work, a car situation for Chris's new job, and mine, I can't complain to much with my life. I have a good supportive family, I have my baby boy, and Christopher, I have a roof over our heads and hopeefully be purchasing this house here soon. We will be making great money here soon when he starts getting a paycheck with mine added onto it. We are faithful, and happy together. We don't fight the way I did with some of my other ex's. I think my life is going in a good positve direction. I suppose I need a few loyal and supportive friends, but these day's can't really expect that out of people ,and it will probably just end up with drama, plus if I have friends to hang out with, then I won't have as much time to spend with Chris especially with this new job he has, we are hardly going to be able to see eachother[/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER]AND now that I have my photography business started, which I am super stoked about I can start making extra cash on the side, as soon as I build up my clients more, and start getting more business, even though I am afraid it might be on hold a bit because winter is approaching and I doubt people wants to stand out in the snow for 30 minutes to an hour taking pictures, all though it would make for a pretty picture! : D.[/CENTER] [CENTER]I need more time to continue practicing anyhow, and there are a few other things I really need to focus on, before I get to involved, I need to continue on with my job with Mr. Handyman and I need to start getting here on time, and do my job because without this job me and Chris wouldn't of done so good these past 4 month's.[/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER] [CENTER] [/CENTER]

Overwhelmed

x0MissPriss — Fri, 07 Oct 2011 16:54:00 GMT

I am completly exhausted, I always thought people were over exagerating when they say you never get any sleep once you have kids.

But I figured I would get some sleep but even on my days off I still have to get up early with Zander!

I feel like there is never enough time in my day, I never get anything done that I want or need to get done,

And I never have time to just sit down and do things I want to do, I find my self debating a lot, like when I do get free time there are so many things I want to do because I never get to and so I have to pick just one thing and it makes me even more stressed.

Plus Chris is saying I don't spend enough time with him, I just wish he understood how over whelmed I have been lately.

I thought me sitting at home playing xbox with him and chit chatting with him through out the day was hanging out, but apparently it isn't not when he wants me to lay down and watch t.v with him, or something else of the sorts. But considering I never get free time to myself, laying down seems to be taking away from it for me : /. Not that I don't want to spend time with him, I love spending time with him, I just have 10000 other things to do.

I wish I had a little time for friends, and to hang out and socialize with females, and go out and do the things I used to, but I get anxiety when I am away from Chris and the baby, considering they are the most important people in my lfe. Then I just feel like I am wasting more time while I am out doing jack shit.

This stuff stresses me out way to much, I have no clue how to deal with all the thoughts, and being tired, and having Zander to take care of all at the same time, I wish there was two of me to handle the jobs that would be great... I wish I could afford just being a stay at home mommy, that would be even better then I wpu;d have time to clean, take care of the baby, and do stuff in my free time and not be so overwhelmed about everything. But unfortunatly I have to live in realitry, because I know that I can't afford to do that.

O_o

x0MissPriss — Tue, 20 Sep 2011 16:40:54 GMT

Ugh, I just wish I could get myself in a god mood, and stay there
stay positive about things and just be happy with my life.
Don't get me wrong, I am happy with my son, and my relationship and things at home.
I am just not happy with other things going on in my life right now.

I am tired of letting my grandma step all over me, and act like I am treating her so terrible.
I try to be calm and respectful to her, and she just blows up on me about nothing, and it is really stressing me out.
So I have came to the very hard conclusion that I am going to cut ties, if it is what I have to do to stay happy then I
will do it, I do not want my mood affecting mine and Chris's relationship, and my attitude while I am taking care of my son

I am really stressed about money to, I seem to always be broke, and when I start to save money
something goes wrong with my car, or something else needs paid for, its crazy!
I am still working on getting money and I replaced my fuel pump two weeks ago that 300 buck's killed me.
On a positive note, Chris starts working this week, so we will have more money to play with, and Christmas is coming up
so I can actually afford to get Zander stuff, and make this a great first Christmas, and a good one for me and Chris,
even though I still have not decided what I am going to get him for Christmas yet decisions hmm..

We have also been talking about getting married a lot lately, I don't want to rush into things and it go down hill,
but I know he is the one I want to be with, and I know that I love him so what more am I waiting for.
I was thinking getting married around July, which is when our 2 year anniversary will be and Zander will be walking then so he could
take part in our wedding, which would be more special. It also gives me the opportunity to plan, start getting everything ready, and
use some of our tax money to cover the expenses. We also need to get wedding bands, I was thinking some white gold bands with our names engraved in it for now until we can afford something better, but either way the bands would be good enough and satisfying enough for me.

I am ready to start a life and have a family though and settle down and experience a completely different side of life
it is just the matter of taking it step by step to get there, not rushing in, and going over my head and doing things I can't afford.
We will see how everything plays out though, I am not completely sure on how he feels about the situation anyhow I think he might be a little uncomfortable, so I think I want to let him take his time, and let him decide when he thinks the time is right
Either way we are still together at the end of the day so it isn't going to upset me to wait longer.

UGH I am sitting at work obviously bored since I find the time to rant and rave on here for endless hours,
doesn't even seem to help the time go by any faster though :/
I just want to go home with my boy's and relax for a while, and then try to get the house cleaned up
and then just play with my baby boy, if I could choose what I do I would totally stay at home and be a stay at home mommy, but I don't have that option! ARG

Family issues ftl

x0MissPriss — Fri, 16 Sep 2011 14:34:42 GMT

Why must I let people make me so angry? Seriously I feel like I am about to explode I am so mad, and frustrated with people.

Why do I even let people walk all over me anymore? I am a grown woman, and I am supposed to be strong and stand up for myself.

I just don't like dealing with the confrotation and drama that I keep my mouth shut. But I'm tired of it now, I am tried of working my ass off,

and then getting spit on for it, I've been dealing with it my entire life.

I just wish people would gain some respect for one another, and stop critisizing, and judging everyone else, but it seems that is something I need

to work on myself, so I can't really burn them for it. But being judgemental, and insecure with myself is how I was raised, it has been wired into my brain that it is normal, and okay. I have seen the negativity my entire life. I think for once in my life I need to take a big look at the bigger picture, and just worry about my life, do what is right for me, my son and Chris and not worry about what anyone else has to say, stop letting it get me so angry to the point that I want to just scream at them. But what is the point anymore, it does nothing, and no matter how much you tell somebody off, it is not going to make them stop or change their opinion.

So maybe it is better if I just vent it off on here, and then leave it alone and forget about it?

Who know's maybe it will make me feel worse not telling those people to shove it.

But when it is your own family you are dealing with, it isn't exactly that easy either

Lately, I have been having the issue that my grandmother is very negative, she thinks this entire world is out to get her, and like

no one cares what she has to say or thinks, its not even that with me, its just that her opinions are judgemental and rude. She likes to play nice to my face and tell me all these kind things, and then when it is behind my back she is just contantly talking crao about me, and about the father of my son. Quite honestly I don't appreciate it, I feel disrespected by it, and like she is being two faced, and fake. She act's like she is doing me a favor by keeping him one day out of like two weeks, and she isn't because I would rather him home with me, than with her. I miss him when he is gone anyways. But seriously for her to sit to my face and smile and be all happy, and then the next moment when I am gone, tell people I lay my son down on his back to much because his head is flat. If anything I carry my son way more than I should, but I don't know why I worry myself about it, I take good care of my son, I feed him, I comfort him when he is sick and scares, I play with him, I can buy him diapers and everything he needs myself. There are a lot of mothers in the world that don't take care of their kids, they pawn them off on people or on their parents, but I don't I keep him 24/7 I take care of him 100% no body helps me except his father, and yet they still want to judge me and make me sound bad to other people.

I am just sick of them critisizing my life, when I work my ass off taking care of him, running 24/7 never having the time to just stop and relax,

I work to take care of my son, and myself what do I do that is so bad to be judged? And for them to act like they like Chris just to please me, and talk shit about him behind his back makes me furious, it seriously makes me heated. Since he is the guy that I love, and decided that I wanted to spend my life with, and he is the guy that helps me raise our son they could have a little damn respect and stop talking bad about him behind his back like he is a terrible person. Infact he is wonderful to me, and to our son, but its okay they are only going to make it so I have nothing to do with them, and that is just dandy to me. Because they don't realize he is Chris's son too, and that his wishes are respected by me.

Also they will be really hurt when me and him get married but neither have an invitation, if they don't want me with the person I am marrying then they shouldn't be there pretending they are happy for us either. That is just wrong, and cruel, and makes them look like liars.

UGH I am ranting about it though, I tried to stay calm but the more I think about it, the more is pisses me off, and

makes me want to scream at her. But I can't do that, she always throws stuff she does for me in my face as if i want it if she is going to use is for blackmail later, and like it makes me forgive her, but I guess I am just going to continue on, ignore the negative comments, and go on with my life, and do what I think is best for me and my baby boy :)

Fuck what she says.

O_o

x0MissPriss — Thu, 08 Sep 2011 17:28:10 GMT

Fuel pump go out in my car? I think hell yes it did. FML!
Seems like it is always something that is going on with my vehicle, I am ready to give it a swift kick to a junk yard!
To bad I need it, and I can't afford to pay for another, boo!
Also to damn bad that the part cost's damn near 300.00 because my car won't drive without it!
Seriously though, can't life just give me a damn break for a week? That would be fantastic.

I think I need a better paying job, because I am broke to no end right now, and hardly get to see a dime of the money I am making right now. I hardly have time for myself in the mix, OH and my son is doing this new cute thing where he wants to stay awake 24/7, not that I don't love him being in a good mood and smiling at me for hours.

Do I currently want to be sitting at work, being bored out of my mind, eh not really, but I have to or I would be completely flat broke, and my car would never run again lol. I am much happier sitting at home taking care of my little boy, but since I am currently unable to go back to school that is not an option.

I still want to get my own photography business started but that isn't one either, I currently just can't spend that much money that I don't have on something that will take me time to learn and grow with I wish I did though, it is something I have always had an interest in and a passion about.

I am also sick and tired of drama that goes in my family, why can't people just act normal for one damn minute in their lives, and I really wish my grandmother would stick up for her real family, and not a bunch of nasty white trash people that are worthless. But I guess I can't have everything I want. But oh well I won't have my son around it that's for sure, I would rather him have more positive and loving people in his lives. Not people that get together for thanksgiving and want to talk crap about the people that didn't come.

My mother gave me the wonder idea of having a fall wedding, even though I don't think Chris is all up for it, I think it sounds like a wonderful idea, :D. I mean if we are both dedicated enough to each other to be together then why not!? Plus I have no doubt in my mind that I love him, & no matter who I am with I am going to have to fight with sometimes, and have issues with because everyone has their faults, and your not always going to like something about someone. Hmm, I think it sounds very nice and pretty, and its an actual wedding! Not a wedding in a stupid court, just going in and getting it done. But I suppose this is not up to me, haha,. I am just thinking of nifty ideas <3 plus we have Zander now so he can be in the wedding! I guess i am just happy that my mother loves Chris too and actually wants us to be a family, my mother accepts him just like she would her own son and that means a lot to me! : D

But I suppose I should get back to work, I would really love to get today and tomorrow over with very quick so I have this weekend again to myself, and then start another busy week! I to take Zander to the specialist because he throws up way more than a baby should :( Poor little guy.

stresssedddd

x0MissPriss — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 19:03:32 GMT

UGH, I am so stressed I cannot even stand it!
It's always something or another.

I can't get into my real passion which is photography, I Love, Love, Love photography.
but I can't afford a camera, which really bums me out because that means I can't get started on learning and gathering clients.
I lost my ivy tech loans so the only way I can continue on with that is to request a loan.

I am tired of working but only making 183.00 a pay check, which doesn't pay for hardly anything.
I am always broke, I can't afford my own place, I can hardly afford to pay my auto insurance.
I can hardly afford basically anything, and I am sick of it. I want to live in my own house, I want a nice environment for my son, and I can't even provide that. It makes me feel like a horrible mom that I am not stable, and that I can't go buy my baby stuff, and that I can't make him proud with an education.

I hate coming home to a cluttered mess at home and not being able to do anything with it, because people are to damn sorry for themselves to clean up after themselves. I am tired of my damn cat having cat hair everywhere but Chris won't let me get rid of her.
I am sick of a lot of shit and I am cornered I can't do anything about it. UGH seriously, I just want to be a good mom, provide my son, not be broke all the time and not be the only one doing something.

I am going to explode if things don't turn around and I become less stressed, I just need to figure crap out.
=/

Life://...

x0MissPriss — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 13:14:39 GMT

I need a break, a long long break away from everything.
My life consists of taking care of Zander, going to work, cleaning, TRYING to fit in some me time
and next semester school will be all on top of it. I feel like I am losing my mind.
I just want to be able to relax for once, but its the same shit every single day.
Not only do I have to worry about this, but I also now have to worry about the fact that
since Jaron got released from jail, that Chris decides it is okay to change our schedule completely.

Jaron comes over whenever he feels like it, without calling, and wants to stay the entire day.
Then he thinks that it is completely okay to ask Chris to come out all hours of the night.
I just wish Jaron would understand that a lot has changed in the past 8 month's, and that life doesn't
just go back to the way it was because he was out. Me and Chris are parents and we have responsibilities to take care of.
But then again, I can't blame just Jaron because Chris thinks it is perfectly okay to. But in the midst of my busy schedule why is it so much to ask for me and Chris to hang out, without the friends? Jaron has been over non stop for 4 day's now, and he wants to make fun of me and try to make me look like an idiot to two of his friends acting like I am a ragging bitch. But I am tired, I am stressed, I am constantly on the move, and I never get a break. The last thing I want is to see Chris thinking it is okay to leave at 11 at night and go to Jaron's, or leave at 5, or 6 in the afternoon, like I want or deserve to be left home by myself taking care of OUR son. But he acts like the 3 days a week I work that he has to watch him is killing him. But there is a difference, I don't leave for the hell of it, or for fun, I leave because I have to go to work to make money. Which some how automatically gives him the right to run all over the place on my days off. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't understand how I feel, and if he wanted out of the house so bad, he could ask for me and Zander to go somewhere with him and spend time with his family, because in the end, I am the one he goes to sleep with at night
and Zander is the one that depends on him at the end of the day, not fucking Jaron. We are to the age now, that going out with friends every night doesn't fit into our busy schedule and having friends over constantly doesn't work because I have shit to do.
*Sigh* I just wish my opinion was heard, and took into consideration that I want to spend time with him on my days off, not with his damn friends and I certainly don't want him mocking me to his friends either because I show emotion to something he is doing.

I think I deserve his time I do everything I can do to get our family somewhere, but it isn't appreciated it seems.
I love him to death, and I love being with him, there are aspects of him that makes me and him great, but he just doesn't get it.
I am not going to bust my ass for me to come home and get slapped in my face for him to go out and have all the fun he wants, when I work and have to come home and work some more, and not get to do anything. I don't even go out with my friends, but I am understanding to the fact that is just doesn't fit into my busy schedule. Why is that so hard for people to understand? Especially his friends, OH because his friends don't work nor do they want to, OH and his friends want to sit around and get fucked up all the time. OHHHH and his friends want to pawn their children off on people because having their kids home is inconvenient for them to do their own stuff. I mean come on really? How much of a bum can people be?? I don't understand why Chris wants to hang out with them they are shit, he even said it himself, "why be friends with somebody that you can't even bring your kids around" but yet he is contradicting himself and doing that very thing. He is to good for them, he has potential to go somewhere in his life, but that is never going to happen if he has these piece of shit friends holding him back.

Sometimes I feel if I went and got my own apartment away from the bullshit, away from the drama and away from the drugs that my life would be much easier, and I would be much happier, and either Chris loves me enough to give it up and follow me and get away from the negative influences on his and my life, or he will stay and continue to do just what he is doing. I guess we will see if it has to go that far, because I won't put up with having his friends around 24/7 when I am trying to have my own life, and I refuse for Chris to act like I am some sort of monster because I try to justify the way I feel about the situation.

I am glad we are strong enough to get through situations like this, and I am happy that I have him. But I am not happy with the way things are this current moment, and if I have to be mocked and having him say I am being bitchy then that is fine because at least my emotions are being heard, I mean you don't see my friends over every single day, all day long. Because my friends HAVE A LIFE OF THEIR OWN.

I am not even trying to trash talk the things Chris does because Chris is wonderful to me he is wonderful to Zander, and he makes me happy, and I know that at the end of the day he loves me for me, I am just venting because people do stupid things sometimes.

motivation

x0MissPriss — Mon, 01 Aug 2011 17:07:36 GMT

I started working three day's a week just longer day's so I can get my hours in, just in fewer days!
It is going to be a lot better on me so I can spend more time at home with my baby boy, I hate being away from him.
Hopefully this will open the doors for me to be able to get stuff done that I want to do.

I am really wanting to start getting my body back into shape, too bad my motivation on that matter sucks!
I just don't want to take my free time by spending it doing something else that can be considered work, but I know
I would be happy with the results in the long run, I am completely unhappy with this pregnancy weight still being tacked on.
I used to be fit before I got pregnant, and now when I look at myself I see nasty, I was 125 now I am 160, meaning I have only lost 10-15 pounds since I had Zander. I really want to get these work out video's but I don't want to do them by myself, but I am going to at least stick to a few things, which would be walking for 30 minutes (minimum) a day. Drinking a lot more water, high protein and less carbohydrates and fatty foods. Hopefully I can shed a few founds that way and then start working on toning, but we will see how everything goes. I sort of want to try the Zumba fitness classes considering they are only 5.00 a class, and I think I can afford that for a while, maybe not going all the time but defiantly for a while.

I just need to get more drive to achieve the things I want for myself, there are just things that in the back of my mind I don't want to give up,and I know I need to so I can be healthier, and set a better example on Zander to be healthy as well when he gets older. I need to be pushed to do this though, somebody to help me keep on track, write out a daily schedule for myself, and force myself to give some of the funner things up to do. I will feel better about myself in the end, have more confidence in myself, and look better and overall feel better in a healthier aspect. It is really important to me not to be over weight, and I would be happy if I just lost 5 pounds even! As long as I make progress somewhere, and do it sooner rather than later so I don't either A) keep packing on the pounds and B) make it harder to shed it off because it's been there so long! I wish I knew how I lost all the weight I did, before I got pregnant, I used to weight 180 and lost over 60 pounds, and I have no idea how I did it. Maybe it was because I was not so stressed out anymore!

I really am going to try to push myself to do this though, it is something that I want badly.

What to do. .

x0MissPriss — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 18:26:39 GMT

I have to start making the right decisions in my life, and doing what is better for me and my son. He depends on me now, and now its not just myself that I have to worry about, my choices affect him just as well. But how do you really know what is right, besides knowing that it is what you want? I want to get a house of my own, a place for me and Zander and Chris. But I don't want to jump into anything either. If me and Chris were to separate, and I would be paying on a house, it would be his and I would have to nowhere to turn to of my own to provide for me and my son. Which scares me, I don't want to have to worry about something like that. I honestly almost feel like if me and chris are going to make a commitment on paying for a house together, then we need to make a commitment to each other and get married, and also be able to make decisions together as a couple instead of arguing about it, somebody has to give in, I just don't want it to always be me.

I also just wish he would realize that we can't make it if we both don't have a job, and honestly I feel like it makes me look like a fool, supporting a man that is not working, even though that is not how it is, it looks like that in other peoples eyes, and I hate it.
I just want us both to be putting in the effort to work, and both be making money and living great lives and not broke all the time.
I mean come on my clothes hardly fit, my shoes are broke, but I can't afford to get any of that stuff because I have no money to spend on it! But I am not going to push him to do what he doesn't want to do, hell I would be happy even if he went to school and I worked!

I am just wondering when and where things will get easier, and better for me. But then again I think I need to stay positive too, make everything work and put on a smile for my baby boy!

New world.

x0MissPriss — Wed, 27 Jul 2011 15:37:58 GMT

I have been a daughter, a granddaughter, a girlfriend, a friend, and now I am a mother. I would have to say that, it is probably one of the best feelings that anybody could possibly have, seeing the little person that you gave life too. It is for sure one of the more special things in life! I never pictured myself as a mommy, for so long I didn't even think it was possible for me to conceive. But I guess it just wasn't the right place, right time or right person when I was attempting to have a baby.

It is hard to believe that he is already two month's old today, it seems like yesterday I was in the hospital, admiring my new baby boy, anticipating bringing him home from the hospital, and starting our new life as a family. But he is getting so big so fast, he is now 11 pounds almost, and smiling and being more alert, its crazy to watch with your own eyes how much they change over just a few months.
I got him a play gym yesterday after work, and he loves it, even though Christopher says that he only kicks the ball on accident, I like to think that he is doing it because he wants to play!

We are trying to find our own house to live in, if I have to live with his parents for any longer I am going to crazy, especially when his dad is trying to milk money out of his, over my dead body will I hand him even a penny. Which sounds a little inconsiderate that I would like to live in his house for free. But I don't feel like I do, I do 100% of the cleaning on the house, nobody does a damn thing but me. I watch Chris's brother constantly, for free. I have my son on their food stamps which provides their fat asses 150 extra dollars to eat on a month.
I am just wanting to get out and away from them, be in my own environment, and it just be me, my son and Chris. I feel like our relationship would grow a lot more if it were just me and him on our own, and we didn't have to worry about it anymore.

I like having a new job due to needing to make money, but I hate being away from Zander! It drives me insane that I am stuck here all day and that I don't get to see him until have work! Plus it is just such a far drive home that I anticipate it for a long time. Which i am constantly bored at work because I work in an office, (which gives me the time to update the journal!)
I am constantly tired because of this job to, but I suppose that is apart of life, and I am going to have to get used to it.
Who knew money was so stressful though, as a kid I remember saying always "but it's only 10.99" now I am like a Nazi "What! 11 bucks, these people are out of their minds." I am constantly trying to weigh my budget and wonder if it something that will bite me in the ass later if I purchase it. Hopefully money issues will start looking up for me, and me and Chris will both have jobs, and be happy and healthy. Even though I am sure a lot of people would think "Yeah right, perfect world" I can wish on it at least can't I!?