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Sun and Moon
Sun and Moon
01/28/09 at 10:29 PM by AbsoluteINK
Author's Note: Sun and Moon is a small segment of a novel/short story anthology I've been working on tentatively titled Doppelganger, Beartrap. It was one of the easiest, most cathartic pieces I've written thus far and really got my creative juices flowing for the rest of the book. It pretty much stems from all the times I've been screwed over and had my heart broken but haven't had the guts to say anything about it.

Sun and Moon
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Displaying posts 1 - 15 of 26.
10:34 PM on 01/28/09
AbsoluteINK
Love Me Some Stories
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this is being breathless.
10:41 PM on 01/28/09
saysmydoctor
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Wow. Amazing.
11:09 PM on 01/28/09
anamericangod
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I have mixed feelings on this piece, but I thought this line was fucking awesome.

Quote:
"I can feel him inside of me," You say with a shrewd grin, pearly whites like ivory piano keys that play tones that break my heart in the key of bullshit.
11:25 PM on 01/28/09
bung
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There's so many missing commas (probably deliberately so for some literary "effect") that virtually every single sentence reads as a run-on.
11:31 PM on 01/28/09
relaxrelapse830
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Too many run-on sentences, but otherwise, it was incredible.
11:33 PM on 01/28/09
HometownHero
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A little bit to morbid. Almost the point of someone needs to call the police haha but yeah it was powerful
11:35 PM on 01/28/09
Blake Solomon
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the long sentences are what i like about it. It's an effective way of showing the fast paced nature of the general story. It's almost more feeling than thought, and I think that's a good way to add a little creativity to your normal "relationship" story. Plus, it's in the wild west!
11:58 PM on 01/28/09
I am Mick
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Originally Posted by relaxrelapse830
Too many run-on sentences, but otherwise, it was incredible.
haha, they were intended. It's kind of a stream-of-conscience thing. Thanks for reading!
11:58 PM on 01/28/09
I am Mick
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Originally Posted by kidchino08
A little bit to morbid. Almost the point of someone needs to call the police haha but yeah it was powerful
I assure you I'm not really a violent person haha
01:49 AM on 01/29/09
bung
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I'm really into stream-of-consciousness writing (Henry Miller is a genius, Virginia Woolf is incredible even if a little dull sometimes, Faulkner is ok but not one of my favorites, and I just finished a book called "The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test" by Tom Wolfe which has some great stream-of-consciousness passages), but I do see in them, for the most part, commas where one would expect them to be.

I feel they are especially necessary in stream-of-consciousness writings because they serve to break up the sometimes disjointed nature of it all.

It's kind of like the memory concept of "chunking" (it's harder to remember the sequence T J K R A W R F K V flashed on a screen for half a second than it is the sequence D I S J O I N T E D because the first is not "chunked" into a word by our brains). So, for me, without the commas, it's as if none of the phrases are chunked as phrases, and so I'm prone to forget what the start of the sentence was about by the time I finish reading it.
03:55 AM on 01/29/09
awakeohsleeper
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I'm not sure what I made of this.
But I think it's great people are writing and getting it on the site, so credit where credit is due - I probably couldn't write as well.
03:57 AM on 01/29/09
DI Pistola
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Not bad. I think it needed more adjectives.
05:52 AM on 01/29/09
clarelvs
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I liked the run-on/stream of consciousness. it makes you feel the intensity... as does the morbidity. and like americangod, I loved that line, "pearly whites like ivory piano keys that play tones that break my heart in the key of bullshit."
brilliant.
05:53 AM on 01/29/09
goldy
dude, i'm epic.
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holy crap descriptive. nice work
07:01 AM on 01/29/09
relaxrelapse830
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Originally Posted by I am Mick
haha, they were intended. It's kind of a stream-of-conscience thing. Thanks for reading!
Yeah, I wasn't sure if you were aiming for stream-of-consciousness or if you just had really bad grammar. Haha. But I like it.
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