I've never been the "blogger" type or whatever but I'm always up for something new.
It sounds so cliche but I never imagined how unpredictable life can be. Five months ago if you asked me where I thought my life would be, my answer would totally oppose the reality of things. I would have thought I'd be still be in love, happy and just generally content with my life. Instead, up until recently I had felt numb. Nothing phased me. My life had devolved into a simple schedule, of wake, eat, sleep, school, work, sleep. It was a cycle that occurred every day. I waited for her to give me an answer after she tossed me away. I never got it. I answered for her.
It felt like vindication. It felt like freedom. It wasn't painless but it gave me hope. Hope that things could get better if I gave it enough time. I may never find that love again, but perhaps there was something else out there that I just didn't find yet. I was getting better.
However, life can never be simple. It can never just allow things to happen the way you want them. It can never allow things to just be easy. She came to me claiming how unhappy she was. How she still loved me and wasn't any happier without me. Yet she couldn't free herself from a relationship that was barely walking on two legs. A relationship where she can't freely express how she feels. So instead she puts on a show, pretending everything is okay when she's with him. I can't even begin to understand.
This news hit me the night before New Years. It brought me to a state where I wasn't concerned with the holiday. I just wanted to sleep. To turn my mind off for a few hours. To me the night just meant that tomorrow I'd wake up and the calendar would just say '08. Sad, I know.
Some days I feel like I just want to go away. Just step outside of my body or something and disappear. I'd come back a year from now and everything would be resolved. I could live at peace but I guess life could never be that simple.