What's happened to me is pretty messed up and I guess I could sit here and just be bitter about it but I don't want to be that guy. Unfortunately I can't escape it. I'm able to put on this fake appearance to everyone around me that I'm okay - that I'm over it and happy - but I don't think I'm either. Sometimes I even fool myself but it never lasts. It's something that's just really temporary.
This whole situation. Her. Him. What she has said and done. It's the one thing I want to never think about again but it's the only thing that consumes my mind. I'm tired of thinking about it but it's like the whole situation has me by the throat and just keeps my feet on the ground. It's suffocating.
I just don't understand why she had to tell me she loved me. That she missed what we had. She is with another guy now and still tells me this. How is it fair? I can't live on false hope. I can't do it again. I nearly ruined my first semester because I believed her. I believed that there was hope when she ended up choosing him. It's not my burden to carry.
I won't be around anymore. If she wants me in her life, it's her decision. I won't call. I won't send a text or leave a message. I won't. She wants me as security and that's all. She wants to know that I will always be there when things go wrong. She wants us to have the imperfect relationship. She wants the closeness of someone always by your side. She wants me to be the one that won't judge her. She wants all of this so that she can numb herself with him. So that he serves as the distraction that he is. So that he is the escape from all of that. The family problems. The insecurities. The truth. He is not a part of her life like I am and never will be yet she lies to herself. She sees no future with him yet continues to lie to everyone. To me. To him. I won't be a part of this.
She isn't the girl I fell in love with. I think that's what breaks my heart. It's my first real encounter of reality where people do change. People that you loved once, that you cared for, that you thought would always be in your life. The truth is nothing is permanent. College happened and even moreso, life happened. Changed cascaded down on our lives and has been forcing me to forget what I once knew. I just wish I could fully understand that. That she won't be the same. That it's wasted energy but I can't let go for some reason. It's because I see her face. I see what she was. That who I love is still somewhere inside her shell of what she used to be but I can't fight for what isn't present.