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01/25/08 at 09:46 PM by brentkid
The way life works itself out sometimes is really strange. I've always believed that everything happens for a reason but lately I've been questioning what those reasons are. I mean, I know it's always supposed to be clear-cut and obvious but I'm really struggling where everything going on in my life right now is supposed to take me. I feel like everything has helped me grow to some extent, or at least helped me learn a life lesson but nothing feels complete. I feel like there should be some sort of closure to these lessons but there isn't. It's like it will never end. Albeit, I'm definitely happier than I was back in October, hell I'm happier than I was a month ago but nothing feels conclusive and it's starting wear me down a little. I'm just so ready to either move on with my life or at least pick up from where I started but it doesn't feel like either one of those options are going to happen. Rather, I'm stuck in some weird position in-between the two.

I'm also starting to realize I have no interest in going to my school anymore. It's not that I hate commuting to school or anything like that, there's just nothing that interests me there. The people are nice but I haven't met anyone that I click with. There's not even a major slightly related to business besides Economics and I refuse to take classes related to that. I guess I just see a transfer in my future, but I have no idea where. I know that I'm passionate about two things: music and clothes. No, I'm not gay. I know the stereotype for guys is, "Oh what a metro!" or "He's totally gay!" but it's neither. I just like the freedom of creating a self-image through clothing. Then there's music which is my ultimate passion in life. I just have no idea what kind of school to go to where I could graduate and be able to become associated with either of those industries even if it meant starting at a pretty low level.

As much as it sucks to realize I hate my school, it's nice to know that I'm discovering myself and what I want to do in my life. I think I'm becoming hungry to succeed at what I'm passionate about and what I do best. I don't know if it's because I'm not in a relationship anymore where it was always about "us" or "we" but I feel like my own person more now than ever. I'm ready to do big things but the first thing I need to do is get the hell out of the school I'm attending now.

I guess it's just strange how foreign my own life feels right now. It's nothing I've been accustomed to in years. I was always pretty sure of what made me happy and what I wanted but I find that every day now I'm going back and forth.

One thing I have realized is that I'm still in love with "her". I've just gotten to a point where I cope with the pain. I have no physical distraction, no other girl. I think it's better that way. Like Tate said in one of his Waste of Bandwitdths, people get it wrong after they get out of relationships. They think they need someone immediately and jump right back into another relationship that's doomed from the start. It's just I wasn't the one that was angry when it all ended, I was the one that was heartbroken. I can't say I'd rather have been furious but I know it's damn near impossible to go a day without thinking about what happened. I suppose this is all a part of growing up, it's just unfortunate I'm the first of all my friends and many other people I know my age to go through something like this. Three years is a lot of time to dedicate to someone else. It feels very adult-like to me. I just can't afford to let it happen again which has unfortunately pushed me to create a huge wall before I let anyone in again.

So like I said, life is strange right now. Not entirely in a negative way but I can't say it's for the best. Who knows, ten years from now I'll be looking back at all of this and probably be laughing.
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