i'm still only taking two of my klonopins a day. the first one is really nice, keeps me calm and i don't have the black mass in my chest or nervous stomach or the down feelings when i first get to work. i take the second one between 1-2, and i make sure i eat something before i take it. i still end up with mushy brain though, and i've tried two days in a row to just split a pill and take half, but they're too soft and i end up with a bunch of splintered powdery pieces. and i just end up scooping up the bits and eating what's left. so, so much for that idea.
i saw my therapist yesterday. as of that time, she still hadn't had a chance to speak with my psychiatrist (waiting on a call back, HA). for the first time, the two of us had a real conversation, instead of me rambling and her asking questions every few minutes. we talked a lot about my mother and how i called her twice this past week to tell her how i've been feeling. amazingly enough, i didn't feel like crying once.
aaaand we talked about my substance abuse. the addict in me. how my doctor prescribed enough klonopin for me to take three a day, and even though i've only been taking two, that third one still burns a hole in my pocket. i think about it. i think about the bobble-head feeling, the calm afterward, the tripped out feeling i've been having well into the evening. and that urge, that push, it says, "just take it. take the third one. it's okay, your doctor said you could." but they are supposed to be for anxiety, not for getting fucked up.
i'm coming around to the idea of going to AA. still scares me, but i don't want to fuck this up. i want to get better, not come out of this worse. instead of just alcoholism and depression, alcoholism and depression and pills.
last night our friend jamie stopped in on her way to georgia for a protest. plus becky and sarah came over, and we all ate dinner at the kitchen table, and it was really great, a st. bonaventure family reunion of sorts. there was some severe awkwardness later in the evening, because sarah does not understand how to keep private matters private. none of us wants to hear you blurt out that becky is looking for apartments and going to break up with you. said entirely in a whiny voice, and then there was some hiding behind a couch cushion in one of our chairs. like a 6-year-old. i just don't understand how someone can do shit like that. she's a sheriff's deputy. there are obviously bad things going on in her relationship. deal with them on your own time, not in front of the rest of us. ugh. i reeeeally wanted to take my third pill after that.
but i didn't.
the bright part of the evening was that i told jamie, becky, and sarah about me being on medication. jamie's actually taking celexa, which is related to lexapro in a scientific way i don't feel like explaining. basically she's taking the generic version of what i'm taking. it was nice though, to be honest about taking medication, and reassuring that at least one person i really like and respect is going down the same road as me. i like jamie. she's a great person. she's getting help, just like me.
today was another stressful day at work, and for the first time i thought about taking my third klonopin for actual medical reasons. but i held off. my head gets too fuzzy and blargh and i worry about my quality of work. i'm very good at my job, and i have high standards for my work, so i get worried about what the meds do. even with it being a shitty day, i still made it through, still didn't feel like running away. i stood outside for about 5 minutes and even that helped me feel better.
anyway, i'm stuck with way too much work this weekend, but i'm dealing. i'm drinking caffeine-free coke, seltzer and lime, milk. i'm going to wake up tomorrow with a clear head, and hope that i can make it through saturday, sober and...okay. i'm going to be happy with me feeling okay.