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if you do, if you don't
if you do, if you don't
12/03/09 at 08:15 PM by sjb2k1
for the past few days i've been listening to cartel's self-titled album in my car on the way to and from work and my countless doctor/therapy/psychiatrist appointments. and i take back any bad words i ever said about it. it's not a perfect disc, but by god it is pretty damn good. i guess i just needed 2 extra years and another cartel album to process it all. i've found that driving in the car helps me digest albums so much more than just the intermittent time i get with them at work or here at home. twenty minutes here, a half hour there. i can usually get through a whole cd in one day. sometimes more than once, depending on how many places i have to be.

i can't stop listening to "if you do, if you don't." i love the drums in the beginning. i love the buildup and the perfect meld of will's vocals and the guitars as he sings "i'm a waste of time"...it probably doesn't hurt that the lyrics speak to me right now, perfectly.
Letís get out
Letís get out of here
And Iíll go it alone if I have to but,
I need you there
And Iím honest with nobody else
Whether or not I make it there is will itself
Iím honest with only myself
How I canít afford to lose you now,
Not in this hell

Iíll stay with you

Iím a mess
A total wreck
A poor excuse without you near to
Keep me in check
So take me out, take me anywhere
And Iím out of touch with everything
And I donít care
So I must be out of my mind
All that I have to give to you
Is all my time

So Iíll stay with you
And we'll say over and over... I'm a waste of time

i am a mess. i am a total wreck. i am irritable and unhappy a lot of my day, every day. and whether or not i make it through this is up to me and me alone. up to my will. my fucking psychiatrist gave me an ADD checklist and i keep looking back at my answers, over thinking it all. i don't want to take any more pills. well, that's a lie. i'd take more anxiety medication if i knew it would work faster, would work better. but that could be my addict brain feeding me that idea.

some days it's tough to tell the difference.

i used to have all of this sadness right below the surface, tears ready to fall at any fucking moment, but these days it's just irritability and anger. it is always there, and i do not know what to do with it. this fucking lexapro needs to reach steady state already. i see my psychiatrist again on the 21st, and right now i hope she ups my fucking dosage. but i guess i still have like 2 more weeks to respond to the 10 mg. i also bought some fish oil, well, udo's (?) oil, which i think is the vegetarian version of fish oil. the psychiatrist, the therapist, and my own fucking mother recommended i try it. so i'm adding that in tomorrow. one lexapro, one generic klonopin, one giant multivitamin, and one tablespoon of this oil. plus a bowl of frosted mini wheats, and the first 15 minutes of the west wing. awesome.

i'm enjoying this chance to write. i don't do enough of it. i got a post nanowrimo email from the pep talker of the week and he said if you're serious about it, you'll write every day. i do my best. i think it's important for me to get this down. i want a baseline to track my progress while in therapy and on medication. i've felt particularly annoyed the past two days, but janine says it's been months of this. years, even. and i can't imagine what that has been like for her. i think all of us take out our frustrations and anger on the people we love the most, because we know they will stick with us despite it all. it's not an excuse for my behavior. it just is what it is. i can only fix myself.

with the money we've spent on the house and the alarm system and the television, janine and i aren't getting anything for each other for christmas this year. our present to ourselves is enjoying what we've gotten already, and rebuilding our savings. i still might try to surprise her with something, just a little something to unwrap on christmas morning. everybody deserves that.

what do i want for christmas? peace. simple, quiet, internal peace. a break in the anxiety, a break in the sadness, a break in the anger. ideally i want a stop to all of those things. a stop to the anxiety, the sadness, the anger. but i'd take a break. for the first two weeks on these pills i felt better, but now i feel static again. back to where i started, almost. it adds to my frustration.

and work. oh, work. today a higher up in the front office sent out a company-wide email that essentially stated we couldn't be making any mistakes. perfection or nothing. failure to be perfect would result in a writeup, no exceptions. his email had no fewer than 23 typos (i counted in MS word) and one long run-on sentence that i couldn't quite interpret fully. and so, for the second time this week, i took my third pill. between the anger i already feel and the anger/anxiety i felt after reading that sludge of an email, i just gave in to it. i think this job is slowly killing me. but there are bills to pay and people to support and none of that is going away.

i think i keep writing the same things in here. my days are repetitive. my thoughts are repetitive. my feelings rarely vary. i tuned out the world again today, waiting in the therapist's office. copeland and copperpot. if you've never heard "am i the only one" by copperpot then you are missing out. therapist asked me today how i'm coping without drinking and the answer is, i need to be writing. like i used to. and i need to be listening to music, music that comforts me, music that inspires me, music that drowns out everything else in my head.

cartel self-titled has been doing that for me in the mornings and the afternoons. dangerous summer - reach for the sun was working before that. i think tonight or tomorrow morning i'll burn kev dev and see if brother's blood can do it too.

music and writing, and harris teeter original seltzer with a slice of lime squeezed into it. and plenty of medicine. that is how i'll cope. that is how i AM coping.

is that living? or is it just getting by?
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