you grow up and you change. sometimes you move on. right? that's the way the world works. but who am i. i can grow up. i can move on. i can say i'm mature and smart. but who is "i"? that's what i wonder right now. i just wanna say. to someone. i wanna tell someone but who? no one can listen. well that's not true, ameena will listen, but, she's the person i don't want to tell. hey if you read this katie, just for the record, i'm sorry i'm an asshole. sometimes i say stuff i really shouldn't say, and all the time i'm joking but sometimes i should just shut up cause just because it's a joke doesn't justify it, it's still rude and inconsiderate. so i'm sorry that i treat you so wrongly, i really am. if you read this i guess you'll hear, but then again i don't know why you would read this since i've been a complete jerk but yeah... maybe i'll text you later. hmm. i already lost what i was writing. oh, maybe i'll talk about what i wanna tell someone. pretty much all i want, is to talk to someone. for someone to take the time to pay attention to me and listen to me talk about my day and stuff that happens, you know? i just want a friend to talk to. and thankfully i do have a friend like that, i have ameena. but i realized this is why i get so attached to people so quickly, for example whenever i start to get into a relationship or a girl likes me, i absolutely cherish that person (before now i never knew why, i thought it was love) because someone actually shows care, someone pays attention to what i say and listens. it doesn't matter what it is. i don't have to be sad and crappy, i can be bright and happy, it's just important to me to have someone that pays attention. and so now i don't get so attached to people anymore. now i know, all i want is attention. that's why i cut myself before. because if i did that, people would try to talk to me and help me, they would give me attention. it's hard to admit but it's the truth. now here comes the question i can't answer. . . is that wrong? is it wrong to want attention? maybe it's wrong to go to such idiotic lengths for attention, but is it wrong? maybe it depends on what you do for attention and simply that. maybe if i do something amazing for attention, well it was for attention, but it was amazing, so is it wrong? i don't really know. i don't understand it. it is wrong, but it isn't. lately i become more aware of my conscious talking to me, whenever i say something to myself, i can feel whether its wrong or immoral or right or whatever, i can feel it. and i try over and over again until it feels right. but this is a subject where, it feels right to say its right, and it feels right to say its wrong. so which is right? is this lunacy? i can have a legitmate conversation with myself now, i will sit down and talk to myself, (not out loud; usually) and i'll ask myself questions, and i'll answer them. and if i answer wrong i reprhase the question and answer again until i get it right. the point is. heck what is the point? i really don't know.