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Junior High Schoolers Take Note
Junior High Schoolers Take Note
04/30/08 at 11:51 AM by G apostrophe Ra
Remember back in middle school when you'd go to late-night tweener parties and play lots of late-night tweener-oriented games like twister, spin the bottle, seven minutes in heaven, or even circle jerk?

Well, as a thinking man, man of action, avid junior high nostalgist, and loser with no friends and lots of free time on his hands, I've decided it's high time that someone invent a new game to go down in the early-pubescent entertainment canon.

The game is called "Heinous Anus" and is very simple but lots of fun to play. Or, at least I speculate that it is because I've yet to convince anyone to actually play with me. Basically, a bunch of guys (four or more preferably) gather round in a circle, fully clothed but with their pants pulled down slightly and their naked asses exposed. One guy is nominated to be "Heinous", an appelation that is much like "It" in the game of tag, and consequently must roam outside of the circle and sniff each of the other players asses. When the "Heinous" player decides which person has the grossest-smelling ass (ie: the *most* "heinous anus") he must stick his finger in the rectum of the player in question and yell out "heinous anus!" At this point, the "Heinous" player must sprint around the circle one full rotation and sit down in the open space in the circle before the guy who just had his ass fingered can reciprocate the action. If the "Heinous" player makes a complete circle and takes the place of the other player and successfully protects his rectum from being finger-banged by the guy who was designated as having the grossest ass, a new "Heinous" player is named and the game continues from there. Keep in mind that chasing a guy down and attempting to finger-bang him in the ass is made more difficult by the fact that you must run around while your pants are at your ankles, and pulling up one's pants to simplify running is not allowed and percieved as cheating. The fact that smelling the asses of several sweaty guys in rapid succession is likely to make even men of iron stomachs (or raging homosexual libidos) at least moderately nauseous adds yet even more zest to game play and further compounds the difficulty of chasing down the guy who finger-banged you.

The game is alot like "Duck, Duck, Goose" but a bit smellier and potentially more erotic.

Along the same lines, I've decided that it might be a progressive move for society if everyone began to replace the phrase "bad ass" with "heinous anus". Think about it; " heinous" is practically synonymous with "bad" and "anus" is a great word for ass, not to mention it's less vulgar. Injecting the common water-cooler vernacular with a ten-dollar word like "heinous" in place of a ten-cent word like "bad" could do wonders for the sophistication level of the American lexicon. Plus, it rhymes. Rhyming in catchphrases is always good, and it throws in a little lesson about a very useful and pertinent poetic device. Try it in your everyday speech and dare conformists to belittle you. It won't be long before the term "bad ass" is completely obsolete.

I've already worked it into small-talk with several of the fellas down at the basketball court, and the head trauma, neck abrasions and social ostracization I've suffered consequently is more than worth it to me when I think of a brighter day in the future when third-graders everywhere are taught to say "heinous anus" when they hear a motorcycle being revved or are searching for adjectives to describe their favorite WWE stars.

I'm more than willing to sacrifice for the promise of such a future, and I'm pretty sure that makes me fairly bad a-
I mean, heinous anus. ;)
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