Things I Will Get Rid of the Minute the Whole World Stops Kidding Themselves and Puts Me in Charge (Part 3 of a series)
Now, if you're a chick, I honestly have no idea if you will understand what I'm talking about or not. If you are in fact a girl, and do know what I mean from personal experience, I'd actually rather not know about it anyway. For all you guys, however:
Ok, so you're in a public bathroom, pelvis pressed to a urinal about six inches from another guy with his pelvis pressed to a urinal and about three feet from a line of guys who are behind you and very eager to press their pelvises to urinals. You're under a little pressure to perform, and while you do in fact feel the urge to urinate (hell, that's why you ventured into this haven for eager-pelvis-having men and boys in the first place, right?) you're not quite cranking it out at the speed you'd like. A burly trucker guy with his wiener halfway out is up next in line, and he seems to grunt a little more urgently every three or so seconds. Your anal cavity is in dangerously close proximity to his nearly exposed and eager member in the first place, and you don't want any confusion to ensue. So you do what any guy would do. You do what every guy has done- at some point. You put a little strain on your bladder and thrust your hips toward the urinal, the way an alcoholic might thrust a can Budweiser against his lips in hopes of freeing those last, elusive, few savory drops. But the desired effect does not take place, despite your best efforts to cater to the impatience of the avid "Momma's Family" viewer behind you. Instead of urine coming out at a faster rate, or at all, you actually just bust ass.
Why is this happening? In its haste, your body's waste system has become confused, and any attempts to pee faster actually just result in gratuitous farting. I've come to term this embarrassing, inconvenient and smelly phenomenon "sparfing", and although I've taken the time to name it, I've simultaenously decided that it needs to be eradicated from existence as soon as possible.
I mean come on! God, in all of his infinite wisdom, couldn't figure out how to wire our peeing and farting parts to work independently? I want a complimentary tune-up on my waste production systems, and it better be free goddamnit because I kept the receipt! Someone should really be working on this.