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Try it with Your Friends Today!
Try it with Your Friends Today!
04/30/08 at 11:58 AM by G apostrophe Ra
We all need convenient sexual jargon. It's important.
Think about it.
You don't want to go to the water cooler and brag about your latest conquest if you can't explain the basic details of the encounter with just a few, quick, dirty phrases.

" So how was going out with Angie last night, dude?"

"Oh, man. It blew, dude. And by that I mean, she *blew me*."

"Yeah? Sweet. You'll be beating that shit in a week."

Ok, but consider if that conversation had to take place using only colorless, clinical terms.

" So how was the date with Angie last night?"

"It was swell. In fact, she even placed her mouth over my erect penis and applied a suction-type pressure. Simultaneously, she stimulated my genitalia with her tongue. She did this until I ejaculated, at which point she-"

"What the hell? You sick motherfucker."

No one wants this. We need our dirty words! We need our innuendo! Without them, social interaction becomes awkward and sterile. Male bonding is strained, hindered and in some cases, rendered impossible. As such, I feel obligated as an (arguably) productive member of society to submit a new term to the modern American sexicon ("sexual" plus "lexicon"; yes I made it up, yes you like it, and yes you're going to use it) in the hopes of carrying on the American way of promoting the exchange of clear, concise, and descriptive sexually oriented discourse everywhere.

My contribution, while perhaps not suitable for the water cooler, may find itself into the mouths of junior high sex education teachers, paternal, suburban Eugene-Levy-in- "American Pie"-types, and teenagers in mixed company who experience confusion when using the woefully unspecific "base system". Everyone loves a little mutual masturbation, but the term doesn't really roll off the tongue especially well. So, I postulate:

If we call blow jobs and the like "oral sex"

And we call traditional intercourse "vaginal sex"

Then certainly it follows that we should call mutual masturbation -your friend and mine- "manual sex".

It has a great, proactive connotation. It kind of sounds communisitic and blue-collar; *manual* labor and *manual* sex. Power to the proletariat! Handjobs aren't intellectual, anyway. They're like the workingmen of sex acts. Sure, a "blow job" is still a job, but manual sex is like a lifestyle, a social class. We wear overalls and hard hats to work, our wives make us ham sandwiches for lunch every day, we come home with grease under our fingernails and dammit- we like manual sex! See what your wife says about it tonight.

"Baby, I thought we'd mix things up a little bit tonight and try a little *manual sex*."

"Oh, I love it when you talk Marxist to me, honey."

Hell, it's a lot clearer to understand than "oral sex". When I first heard that term as a naive eleven-year-old while watching a news feature on the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, I was sure it meant that they had had sex over the telephone.

If Booker T. Washington had come about in a more sexually liberated America, you can bet he'd be quite the public advocate for manual sex.

Let's get on this already, huh? I mean, I'm just saying...
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