i'm such an asshole. such a weak person. i apologize when someone fucks me over. constantly. i forgive and forget too easily. i'm a fucking doormat because i'm so afraid of rejection even when i'm the one who should be doing the rejecting. i think i have to break up with you because i deserve better than this but i'm scared of being alone, scared of never finding anyone else as charming or attractive or well-groomed who actually wants me. i like the closeness that i feel when i'm with you but i hate feeling like there's some pieces to your puzzle that i will never find. what the fuck is wrong with you? honestly, i'm so confused. relationships are all about compromise yet i don't think you compromise in the slightest for me. i don't think you want a girlfriend, i think you want a girl who adores you and doesn't challenge you at all. how can you go through your life settling for the path of least resistance? why do you not think you're worth more than that? it's only a matter of time before this is over, i'm sorry to say that but i know it and i'm pretty sure you know it. i can feel it and i feel like i'm going to be the one to pull the plug. if i wasn't so weak i'd do it now. i love your smell, your touch, your kiss but is that all we're good for? how can you not want more from me than that? why do you bother to call me your girlfriend? do you even dare to tell your family or friends that you have a girlfriend? i honestly don't even think so. our conversations have weakened because we don't do anything. why can't we go someplace? how is this normal? i'm not asking for anything out of the ordinary. i just want to be with someone who wants to go out once in a while. no place fancy, just anywhere. something's not right. it's like you're hiding something. it's like you're hiding me.
and all of this will stay here in a blog post because i'm too much of a pussy to actually confront you because i know you and your temper and your rage and your unwillingness to listen because you're so insecure and afraid and broken. this is hurting me more than you know. you've singlehandedly put a rift in my relationship with my mother because she's seen your flaws since the beginning and hates you without ever knowing you. i defend you because i care about you and can see your good through all the weirdness. something's not right. i deserve better than this. that's what everyone tells me. i know it's true but goddamnit why can't you just open up and prove all of them wrong? why don't i deserve that from you?