I really need to find myself a job, so I can make my own friends, and socialize with my own people.
I rarely talk to anyone anymore, Nikki is to busy with her own life right now, and her own friend's that we barely even say hi to each-other anymore. Emilee seems to manage to get stuck up other peoples asses, and forget who her real friend's are.
I just need to get out and do something, make money and starting making a living for myself.
I hate just sitting around the house, doing nothing all day long.
Since Chris has a job it makes my day even more boring, and even more drawn out.
I sort of just lay around and watch T.v and browse on the internet and wait for him to get home.
My next school semester starts up in less than 2 weeks, I am really happy with myself that I am continuing to do it and push myself to keep going, even tho I got discouraged my last one due to me failing my math class. But I have to keep positive, I keep myself going by telling myself this is for Zander. I am doing it to have a better income for our own house, for stability and so the baby can have everything he needs. I don't want my son seeing me struggle, i want him to see a strong independent woman that busted her ass off to get what we have, something he can look up to and be proud of =)
I really hate that Chris doesn't understand or see how much I really do care about him.
He tries the whole "I'm paranoid your going to cheat on me since you have done it before"
But yet he has cheated on someone, so how is the situation any different from my perspective but I don't
hold his past over his head like that. Just because it has nothing to do with ours. I really don't believe you can
compare issues in past relationships with a current one, he has no idea what either Josh or Matt had put me through or the depression I was going through when I was with them, I was never happy with myself, always just down in the dumps and depressed and hating life.
He doesn't realize the difference between them and him, and the things I did when I was with them.
Only because he was not there he didn't witness it. He actually truly makes me happy, he treats me with respect,
he cares about how I feel about things before he does them. He is a very loving and caring person. I feel like it's alright to act and be myself around him only because I don't feel like he would judge me when I do it. I feel with our pasts we both understand and are on the same level with how we feel about things. I never doubt that he loves me, I wish he wouldn't me. I love waking up next to him every day, and I love spending all my time with him ,there is no one else in this world I would rather spend every minute of my day with. He is my everything, my world, and I don't want to go without him, I want to keep him, but I need him to believe in me.
Now that I am pregnant and going to be a mother, there is a time for me to grow up, why would I go cheat? That's being promiscuous and that will affect Zander, not just me, it will never just be me anymore. I have to think about him first always. My top priority with that is not pushing to be happy with Chris just because we have a baby. I will never introduce guys I am dating to my son, he has a father, he doesn't need another. I don't want a broken home, I want a healthy happy family with the three of us, and eventually more children involved. "sigh" hopefully he will soon have more faith in us, and realize everyone can change, everyone can grow up, and not every relationship is the same. I don't even think of other guys the same way I do him, nor would I. I would love to be his wife,and can't wait until we take that step!