I have to start making the right decisions in my life, and doing what is better for me and my son. He depends on me now, and now its not just myself that I have to worry about, my choices affect him just as well. But how do you really know what is right, besides knowing that it is what you want? I want to get a house of my own, a place for me and Zander and Chris. But I don't want to jump into anything either. If me and Chris were to separate, and I would be paying on a house, it would be his and I would have to nowhere to turn to of my own to provide for me and my son. Which scares me, I don't want to have to worry about something like that. I honestly almost feel like if me and chris are going to make a commitment on paying for a house together, then we need to make a commitment to each other and get married, and also be able to make decisions together as a couple instead of arguing about it, somebody has to give in, I just don't want it to always be me.

I also just wish he would realize that we can't make it if we both don't have a job, and honestly I feel like it makes me look like a fool, supporting a man that is not working, even though that is not how it is, it looks like that in other peoples eyes, and I hate it.
I just want us both to be putting in the effort to work, and both be making money and living great lives and not broke all the time.
I mean come on my clothes hardly fit, my shoes are broke, but I can't afford to get any of that stuff because I have no money to spend on it! But I am not going to push him to do what he doesn't want to do, hell I would be happy even if he went to school and I worked!

I am just wondering when and where things will get easier, and better for me. But then again I think I need to stay positive too, make everything work and put on a smile for my baby boy!

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