It's been awhile since I've been overly pessimistic about anything (in my opinion, at least), but all things have endings and here I am..knocking on pessimism's door asking to stay over for a while.
I haven't really had time to be bummed, I've been so bombarded with school work but school is finally coming to a close for the semester and I have the entire summer to worry about. I shouldn't be "worrying", but I am because I hate sitting around and being unproductive which happens quite often. I don't have friends that I'm always around, I don't have a place that I always go to hang around. I don't have anything but myself and my music. It's been that way for so long, but I never wanted it to be.
I feel like I have nothing going for me at this point. Food not bombs, I think I said in my last blog, has been moving ever so slowly and everyone that signed up is terribly unresponsive. My band is not doing shit, we can't even throw another benefit show because when we start talking about it, we get distracted. We still haven't found a singer, John can't finish a song, it's so frustrating. I'm afraid to see what my grades are this semester... What the fuck man? I just want to not exist. There is nothing for me, not in this place, and probably not anywhere else. I want to cry. I want to sit on my bed and cry. I want to decay in a matter of minutes, without saying goodbye to anyone. I want no one to notice, I want no one to care, I don't want anyone ever stepping food in my room again. I want to cut each and every tie that I have to this world.
I don't know if I could actually commit suicide without chickening out...
No one cares, and frankly, I'm tired of caring too. There is nothing to look forward to.
Skinnerbox is playing in Brooklyn next week, I bought tickets over a month ago. The person i asked to come with me just cancelled, woohoo, another show alone. I'm always alone.