Looking out the door
I see the rain fall upon the funeral mourners
Parading in a wake of sad relations
As their shoes fill up with water
Maybe I'm too young
To keep good love from going wrong
But tonight, you're on my mind so
You never know
Broken down and hungry for your love
With no way to feed it
Where are you tonight?
Child, you know how much I need it.
Too young to hold on
And too old to just break free and run
Sometimes a man gets carried away,
When he feels like he should be having his fun
Much too blind to see the damage he's done
Sometimes a man must awake to find that, really,
He has no-one...
So I'll wait for you... And I'll burn
Will I ever see your sweet return?
Oh, will I ever learn?
Oh, Lover, you should've come over
Cause it's not too late.
Lonely is the room the bed is made
The open window lets the rain in
Burning in the corner is the only one
Who dreams he had you with him
My body turns and yearns for a sleep
That won't ever come
It's never over,
My kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
It's never over,
all my riches for her smiles when I slept so soft against her...
It's never over,
All my blood for the sweetness of her laughter...
It's never over,
She's a tear that hangs inside my soul forever...
But maybe I'm just too young to keep good love
From going wrong
Oh... lover you should've come over...
Yes, and I feel too young to hold on
I'm much too old to break free and run
Too deaf, dumb, and blind
To see the damage I've done
Sweet lover, you should've come over
Oh, love, well I'll wait for you
Lover, you should've come over
'Cause it's not too late.
This song reminds me so much of 1997 even though the lyrics are going through my mind tonight completely unrelated to that era. 2012 is such a let down already and we're nearly halfway through. Fuck. When is it going to get better or should I just be grateful for being happyish for the past two years and resign myself to a shitty existence for an undetermined amount of time to come? I guess you never know what you're going to get.
The new job is not stressful yet it's just so different than my last one that I feel confused about what I'm doing or if I made the right decision to leave. (That thread is not lost on me either.) I liked the camaraderie which grew out of a shared misery at my old job. I am not used to not having any friends at work or at home now. I see a few people once in a while but for the most part I'm attempting to throw myself into these forced social situations just to get out and talk to people but it's so fucking awkward and not me at all. Why is there no "Meetup" group for friendly yet socially awkward stoners who just want to hang out at someone's house and pass around a bong and watch cartoons and the Discovery Channel and documentaries about polar bears and have deep conversations about politics and nature and the idiocy of religion? Seriously, I would make that group happen myself if I wasn't afraid that it'd get busted by cops who have nothing better to do because our government is too fucking retarded to legalize the fucking shit already.
This is a brave new world of shit. I am sleepwalking through life. I wish I knew what you were up to. Actually I probably don't because you're probably a lot fucking happier than I am. I guess I'm glad if you are. I certainly wouldn't want you to be as miserable as this. I hope you are doing what you want to do and are making things good for you. I wonder if I'll ever see or hear from you again. I wonder if I'll ever get the strength up to take your clothing out of my closet. It's easier just to pretend it's not there than to touch it or god knows, smell it, because i know i would if i ever dared to take it off the rack and that would lead to even more misery I suspect. It has barely gotten easier and it's been fucking months. I'm cursed. I am dying for you to reach out to me. I don't know what I'd actually do or anything if you actually did but fuck i want you to make it better again like you always tried to do before. I always just thought you'd get some job and then everything would fall into place and I wouldn't have to pull the plug. I pictured us together forever until I realized that nothing was changing and I needed to get out just for my own sanity. When you would say things about growing old it felt like it was just inevitable that we would be together. At what point do I give up on us ever happening again? At what point do I allow myself to entertain the thoughts of you with another girl without it making me feel like puking my guts out? When can we be friends? When I ended it I had every intention of keeping you in my life. I still do, I'm just not sure when I can even consider that though. It's like the wound is still fresh. I know if I were to see or hear from you now I'd instantly want to go back to the way we were which would lead to the same issues again only now you'd resent me for these months of being apart. What a fucking mess I've made.