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Kyle Pedersen's Blog
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I Feel Weird
I Feel Weird
11/04/12 at 01:32 AM by Kyle Pedersen
Currently Listening: Kanye West - White Dress.

On repeat.

I don't really understand what is happening to me lately but I can't really be bothered to change any of it. For the longest time I have wandered around with half baked ideas that never really come alive. Mostly due in part to my own laziness. This year has been different. This is the first time in my almost 23 years on this planet that I actually feel...alive? Like I've actually done something important and made my mark in some way.

I feel like I'm finally growing up.

I get it. I should have done that a long time ago. I'm almost 23 and all my friends are one of the following things: Married/Married w/kids, have kids, done with college, or almost done with college.

I have none of that.

And for the longest time I thought that stuff was a marker for my own life. I wasn't married, had no prospects, wasn't going to school. I really wasn't doing anything and led myself to believe I couldn't have any of that. I was depressed and I started to drink. I'd go on benders that would last weeks essentially and didn't feel good unless I was pumping back cheap gas station beer and Monarch vodka. My job sucked, I had no money and was running up my credit cards just so I could drink. I was getting into other stuff and none of it was good. I was hanging around useless friends/disgusting girls trying to fill some void - a void I created. Essentially i was an overgrown teenager.

Like all "success" stories go, I pulled myself out of the depths and was getting back on track. My friends noticed the difference as did my family. The people that mattered were still there waiting for me to get better. The problem I had was I still wasn't into the idea of school and the job I had was only part time, not really allowing me to get ahead.

After 8 years of silence me and my dad reconnected at my step-sisters wedding. I had blown him off at my sisters wedding a few months before and I realized I needed to end whatever the conflict . It haunted me for years. I did dumb shit because of the feeling of neglect. It doesn't give me an excuse but it's the truth. The recent Earl Sweatshirt song says it well

"It's probably been 12 years since my father left
Left me fatherless
And I just used to say "I hate him" in dishonest jest
When honestly I miss this *****, like when I was six
And every time I got the chance to say it, I would swallow it."

Anyway, I fixed that and months later he told me I should come up north to Canada. They were short thousands of people for good paying jobs for people with little to no experience. I had dual citizenship so it would be easy. After we made up at the wedding, spent some time in Vegas for a Drake concert, i decided to do it. I would come there. And it turned out to be the best decision i've ever made.

This isn't to downplay the work, love and whatever else from my mom, step-dad, sister and brother or anyone. I'm not putting anyone over anyone, and I don't need to. My mom and step dad have done everything and my mom is probably the best friend I have in this world. I love my family a lot and in this growing up process they have really done a number on me. Have I fucked up more than my fair share? Sure. But no one has ever abandoned me for it. My mom and step-dad made me who I am and without the strength they gave me I wouldn't have been able to decide to go to Canada. Back to that though.

I went up to Canada. For the first while I didn't have a SIN number so couldn't legally work but I still managed to land a temporary, cash position running the sports section of the local newspaper - a dream of mine. I wrote the stories and took the pictures and loved every second of it. Then I started at Corrpro Canada. My step-mom is the office manager there, my dad and brother in law both senior technicians who essentially got me the job. Never have I learned so much, and for the first time in my life - felt like a man. All my hobbies consist of listening to music, the music industry, social media and a lot of stuff from the Internet. I didn't do manly stuff. Suddenly I was pulling a trailer full of anodes across a frozen lake in the middle of the night while it snowed like it was nothing. I was installing test posts, doing welds, locating pipes in the ground, installing systems, all but trekking through the woods against the weather and wildlife. And I was learning from people who are really good at their jobs. My brother in law Justin was and is a better man than I could ever be. With a newborn daughter and his wife he was providing for his family in ways I was just getting used to seeing with my other brother in law Tim and my sister Darci (also a stronger man than I could ever be). But I was witnessing this first hand. Him and my dad taught me so much when I was up there. I'd spend weeks at camp on big jobs like it was nothing. I'd never been more proud of myself.

It didn't just change me physically. Emotionally I came to terms with relationships that were all but holding me back and ruining my life. I furthered my businesses. I had a booth at a hip-hop festival and treated myself to a vacation - something i'd never been able to do. I was moving ahead and that's where it's put me now. I left because I didn't see myself doing that job my entire life. I had goals and I came back to go to school and work on my businesses. And I feel incredible.

I never thought I would grow up in any way. I thought I would be the same immature kid I have always been, with a piss poor sense of humor and content with living at home my entire life. And while yes I am still at home, i'm headed in the next few months to bigger things. Once this course is complete I plan to become a police officer, something I've wanted to do for awhile and that I know I can do.

I have good friends here keeping me on the right path (Hannah, Mickael etc) and they have been encouraging a better lifestyle as well as being positive and it's working. I've grown a spine, become more confident and feel I can take on the world.

So what's next? For once I actually know and I'm excited to ride this wave out. Growing up is pretty awesome.

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