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The Defining Phrase - Chapter 5: Ambiguity
The Defining Phrase - Chapter 5: Ambiguity
11/20/08 at 11:12 PM by cassusriff
Chapter 1: Complacency
Chapter 2: Unexpected
Chapter 3: Breakdown
Chapter 4: Passion

6am.

I have work in two hours. I may have just throw myself into the most complicated love triangle ever. I may be reverting to the guy I've spent a year trying to shed. I have no idea what today holds. I have no idea about anything. Just a few days ago I was so sure of everything, so solid. Maybe I'm not as solid as thought.

All of this on my mind. And all I can do is smile.

My gas tank is empty. If my car stops on the way home, I don't care. I'm falling asleep while driving, I don't care. I know there is no way I'll be able to handle work today.

I don't care.

I get home alive, somehow. I'm still smiling. I text Shelby a bit to make sure she didn't get caught sneaking out. She says she's very energetic. I envy her. I decide that I should lie down for a bit. Next thing I know, it's 10am and I'm still in bed. I call in to work and put on the sickest voice possible, it works. I have Political Science at 6pm that night, but I finally have a day to relax and get some other stuff done. I stay in bed until 3pm, loving every minute of it.

While I'm in bed, I drift in and out of sleep. I wake up to texts from various people. Why is it that every person in the world wants to contact me the one day I want to sleep? God dammit. When I initially wake up at 10, I notice that Lizzy has texted me about 5 times. She's not having a good day. She's worried about me. She's freaking out.

After I call in sick to work, I call her. She's edgy and bothered. I don't understand. I tell her that I took a day off and I was just sleeping. She seems mad at me. I don't understand. I talk her through things a bit, tell her that I won't always answer her immediately, that she needs to calm down. She does, but I can sense some anger. I feel like she's blaming her bad day on me. I feel cheated a bit. Just the night before she told me that I was too needy, that she couldn't be there for me at every moment, that I needed to find happiness in my life that wasn't her.

Well, I did.

But now she was being a bit needy. We got through it, and eventually she told me to get some more rest. I gladly obliged. When I woke up at 3pm, I finally got out of bed. I decided I'd get a haircut after looking in my bathroom mirror. How the hell did I have two girls after me looking like this? My beard was scruffy and unkempt, my hair was long and messy, my eyes had circles. I looked like hell. I had about 2 hours to bring the sexy back. So after being online for a bit, I told Lizzy I was getting a haircut and then going to class.

So I head down the street to the Supercuts. As I'm there I decide to check the 4 voicemails I have. One of these voicemails is the mother of the kid who hit my car the week before. She's responding to the message I left about the estimate for my car repairs. I call her while waiting for my haircut and we decide to meet up when I'm down so she can give me the check for $1100. I'm stoked. No insurance mess, free money, damage to my car that I'm not going to fix now. Basically, I was going to use that money to get a new computer.

After the haircut, I felt better. After the check, I felt even better. And then something happened that made me realize something.

Shelby texted me. Then Lizzy texted me. Then Shelby. Then Lizzy.

I was officially involved with two girls.

I headed to class. Lizzy had stopped texting me for a while and I decided to call Shelby. We talk, no awkwardness. I ask her if she has plans tonight, she says no. We make plans for another late night meeting to discuss where things are with us.

I go to class, but can't really focus. I have two girls on my mind. I don't know what I want or who I want. I try to list pros and cons, but I honestly don't know enough about either girl to make the list. I drive home from class and call Lizzy. We are 8 days away from meeting each other. I tell her that I'm going to bed early tonight. We have a nice talk as I drive home. This doesn't make anything easier for me.

I get home and sit idly, thinking. I text Lizzy for a bit until she goes to bed. I watch some TV and try to relax. Shelby texts me while we both wait for her parents to go to bed so I can go pick her up. I slip my brother his sleeping pill again so he will hopefully be asleep when I get back.

I leave to pick up Shelby and drive. I start to think too much and judge myself. I don't know what I'm doing exactly, but I seem to be acting anyway. I sing to some songs in my car but stop after a few minutes. My stomach is turning, just like it was last night.

I get to her street again, waiting to pick her up. She walks down the street and my breath gets short. She comes into my car and our eyes meet. We smile.

But we don't know what to do. Do we kiss hello? Do we hold hands? What are we?

We sit in the car. Our banter is subdued. Our passion is smothered. Our comfort is lacking. But we still maintain what we are. Even though we have no idea what that is yet. We talk quietly and firmly. Our words are forced, because our feelings are trapped.

We drive to my house, I grab her hand and we hold on. We shed some of the wall we've put up, but we place the majority of our feelings into that simple gesture. We get to my place and as we enter I hear my brother playing video games. I freak out a bit and say that I ran into my friend while I was at the ATM and decided I'd bring her over to see the place. Sean doesn't ask why she is in pajamas, but simply accepts my outrageous story for what it is. We hang out a bit in the living room, but I become frustrated at his dominance of the conversation. I motion for Shelby to go into my room, we say bye to Sean and I tell him we are going to watch a movie in my room.

I ask her what she wants to watch and I end up putting Pushing Daisies in. We lie on my bed together, unsure of what to do.

Eventually we kiss. And the passion returns. We are together in a clearer, more constant setting. We feel different, but in a good way. After a while we pull back to talk.

"So, what are we?"
"This is wrong, we shouldn't be doing this. But I can't stop myself."
"Me either, so where do we take this?"
"Well, we are both involved, so where can we take this?"

And the conversation continues. There is no rhyme or reason. She is physically dating a guy, but doesn't like him or the way he treats her. I am dedicated to a girl I haven't met who lives across the country.

"So here is what I propse, and you may not like it."
"Hit me."
"We have one week together to see how we work as a couple. No matter what, I am going to head to LA fully intending to be with Lizzy because I have to give her that benefit. I think the best way to make my decision is to see how it is with both of you and then be with the one that is right for me. Either way, we both have a big decision to make."
"YOU have a big decision to make."
"What about?"
"I want you. This is your decision to make."

So at this moment, we decide to take a risk, live in the moment. We decide to have each other for this week, let the story develop on its own. I have no problem with that. These passionate kisses are something I don't mind. I don't mind at all.

This week going to be very interesting...

To Be Continued...
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