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The Defining Phrase - Chapter 6: Conflict
|The Defining Phrase - Chapter 6: Conflict|
11/22/08 at 12:35 PM by cassusriff
|Chapter 1: Complacency|
Chapter 2: Unexpected
Chapter 3: Breakdown
Chapter 4: Passion
Chapter 5: Ambiguity
I am a piece of shit.
A fuck up.
I'm exactly the person I was just a year ago. How did I manage to erase all the progress I made in just one week? I should've kept to my vow to stay single for two years. What the hell happened to that? Now I'm missing work and class and spending all my time talking to girls. I am no better than any other 20-year-old college guy. I'm a jerk. I'm a player. A user. A preacher of good treatment to woman and a hypocrite in the process.
I don't deserve either of these girls.
Lizzy lives in New York. She obviously has a dynamic and sincere quality to her, why else would 20,000+ people subscribe to watch her videos. The girl is 20, almost 21. She means well, she has a great heart. She's had tons of family issues. She had to leave the college of her dreams for whatever reasons that didn't make much sense. She feels stuck. She wants to be somewhere. She wants direction.
Shelby lives here. She's strong-willed, albeit a bit confused like me. She knows what she wants. She has plans. She's 18, but acts above her age more than any person I've ever met. She's direct, calm, controlled, passionate, sincere. She wants to be in Illinois, she wants to start pursuing her law degree. She wants clarity.
I don't even need to think about looks. Lizzy and Shelby are easily the most beautiful girls I've ever been involved with.
There is no rhyme or reason. I can't determine pros or cons because they remind me of each other in so many ways. But their differences weigh each other out.
I know I could be with either girl for a long time. A long time. So here is my prevailing issue:
Lizzy lives in New York now and has plans to move to LA around the same time I do, within about a year or a year and a half. We haven't met yet, but if we do and our connection continues, there is no reason we can't make it work for a year until we move to the same area. She plans to finish up school in New York and then go to LA to start pursuing a career in some form of entertainment capacity. She is perfect for that.
Shelby lives here, now. She is here, in front of me. She has plans to go to Illinois next year to pursue her undergraduate degree on the U.S. Marine's dime. She then wants to get her law degree and become a JAG. Then she will have active duty for 6 years.
There is no way to plan this out. I'm moving next year too. Might go to UCLA, might stay in Sacramento. I plan to get my MBA directly after my undergraduate. I will have to find a way to continue working close to full time. There is no distinction, no easy road, no predictability.
So what do I want? Someone to be with me here, now? After all, the present time is the only thing I know for sure anymore. I can't predict anything about my future. Do I want someone who I can be with in the future? After all, I will be in LA for a few years and we would have had made it through a year of long distance already. We would be strong.
Maybe I don't deserve either.
But, as much as the old me would accept that and run with it. I can't accept mediocrity anymore. I know I have to give one of these girls up, but I don't have to give them both up. I've dated so many girls that have been terrible for me. I've been cheated and used and left for other guys. I'm not feeling entitled to be an asshole by any means, but I do feel entitled to make the right choice for myself. I can't be with Shelby and wonder what life would have been like with Lizzy. I can't be with Lizzy and have Shelby here and ignore what is simply a strong connection.
So, I go about this in an unconventional way. I give each girl a chance. I have a week where I hang out with and see Shelby. I go to LA and have a romantic weekend with Lizzy. I come back and choose which one is right for me. Simple right?
Shelby knows about Lizzy, she knows that I am committed to seeing things through with her and giving her a chance. But Lizzy doesn't know about Shelby. How do I communicate that without losing an opportunity to see her? Based on how Lizzy had acted to that point, I saw her as possessive and somewhat jealous. She didn't like when my female friends would come visit me or when a girl would post on my Facebook. There is nothing wrong with that. But based on those actions, I knew she wouldn't go for a situation like this.
I had dug myself a hole. I should've specified from the start my idea of dating. I considered myself dating or being involved with Lizzy. What that means to me is that there is a girl I am getting to know that has potential to be my girlfriend. Until that point when me and the girl are mutually exclusive, I feel that either of us are free to date anyone else we want. But when you go mutually exclusive with someone, that's it. But I had jumped the gun with Lizzy. We talked at first about not being official until we met. About not specifying ourselves are boyfriend/girlfriend until we felt the connection in person. But the L-word slipped out. And we used the boyfriend/girlfriend terms loosely out of laziness in trying to explain our situation to people.
I said these things because I felt them. But I always tried to caution that all of these feelings might not translate to real life. I was living in the moment too much. Not thinking smart. This was new terroritory for me. I had only dated one girl I met online before, and that was a disaster. She was the one who actually helped me adopt my dating rules. Because I thought her and I were exclusive and she was with another guy the whole time. I came off as too desperate with her because I was fresh out of a three-year relationship. We had a date and it ended well enough, but then we both never talked again.
So, would I have been upset if Lizzy went on a few dates with another guy? Probably. But would I have understood? Yes. We weren't offiicial, she was free to do that. I come off as hypocritical, and I know this. But I always try to let my practically rule over my feelings. But I couldn't expect her to understand this.
If we were two weeks away from meeting in LA and all of this stuff with Shelby developed, I would've laid it out for Lizzy. But we were a week away. A week. It was too close. We had plans for that weekend already. I had booked the hotel and we were going to Disneyland. Calling it off would've had been detrimental. I needed to see this through or else I'd always wonder.
So, I proceed now. I proceed under shitty circumstances. Timing has never been a great to me. I'm trying to rationalize all of this in my head. People date multiple people, they go for the person who is right for them. I'm not official with either girl. The moment I become official with one of them, there will be nothing going on with the other. And either way, Lizzy was going to get a free trip to Disneyland out of it, that had to be worth something right?
Jesus, I'm a pathetic asshole.
But I'm seeing this through regardless. Now it is time to juggle. It is time to figure out what is right for me. I messed up and there is no way out of this situation where I don't hurt someone. I'm trying to do this the best way possible. I'm only human.
The next two weeks are going to change my life.
To Be Continued...