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The Defining Phrase - Chapter 7: Secrecy
The Defining Phrase - Chapter 7: Secrecy
11/22/08 at 01:18 PM by cassusriff
Chapter 1: Complacency
Chapter 2: Unexpected
Chapter 3: Breakdown
Chapter 4: Passion
Chapter 5: Ambiguity
Chapter 6: Conflict

I know I'm going to work today. That's one thing I know. After work I have Accounting. I know that as well. Everything else? No idea.

I'm sitting at work. I've just been reprimanded by my manager about being responsible with calling in to work before my shift. I could've done that, but I fear confrontation.

That bodes well for my current situation.

I can't eat anything. Both girls are texting me again. I think back to the last two nights with Shelby and I feel the most intense butterflies I've felt. Like someone is punching me in the stomach. I talk to Lizzy and I feel a sense of comfort. I felt butterflies for her just a few weeks before and was likely out of the faux honeymoon stage that can only come with an internet/long distance/telephonic romance. But regardless, things with Lizzy are going well. No fights or craziness for the most part. We are operating well. Shelby is just exciting as hell and I can't stop thinking about it.

Do I really think I can work today? There should give a leave of absence for people in a romantic crisis, I'm sure I can deem it medically necessary.

My friend Tristan texts me and demands beer pong at my house. God damn him. He needs a life. He wants to invite some girls that we know and Kyle and use my apartment for his escape from his boring life. I'm glad I'm the only one of my friends with my own place. I tentitively agree. But I let him know that I have Accounting until probably 9pm tonight. He accepts it and likely goes off into his world of giddyness.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get through work. I let Shelby know about the impromptu party being thrown at my expense and let her know she is welcome to come. The dynamics change in that situation of course, but I'd like to see how we operate in a friendly environment. Especially since I may end up with Lizzy.

She supplies a maybe and that is good enough for me. I get through my day, head home and talk with Lizzy on the phone before class. We have a great conversation, reminiscent of a few weeks ago. We sing songs together and have a decent conversation. I head to class happy.

While in class, I keep staring at the clock. I want to get out early cause I'd like to go home for a bit before they all come over. We are kept past 9pm, I am going crazy. I'm getting texts all over the place. I get out of class and rush home. I'm starving but instead of picking up some food I know I need to be at my place. I call Lizzy on the way and complain a bit. I hate hanging out during the week. I'm too busy and too tired to handle it. I talk to her as I walk upstairs and tell her I have to go because I think everyone is there already. She isn't happy.

I walk in to my apartment and everyone is there playing Rock Band. I'm immediately put off. I don't like that they are all already there. I feel very uncomfortable and stressed. I don't hide my feelings, but eventually I ease into the social situation. They play some Rock Band for a while and then set up my dining table for beer pong. I don't enjoy the situation but I don't want to be a jerk. Why not let my friends have some fun? I didn't want to come off as OCD even though I hated that they were moving everything and making a mess.

Lizzy texts me for a bit and seems really upset. I keep apologizing and try to explain. I have friends who love to hang out and are very forward about it. Sometimes I have no choice in the matter. Usually I end up doing something because I get a call and one of them is 5 minutes away ready to pick me up. My life is spontaneous like that, I get frustrated but I also enjoy it. Lizzy ends up going to bed and I can tell she's not happy. How can I tell? Because she posts it on Twitter.

Shelby texts me finally and asks if we were all still hanging out. I tell her to come over if she wants and she gets directions from Tristan. I wonder how we will act. I know we both can do it, we've both been in theatre after all, but my friends know me really well and notice when I am gawking for a girl.

She gets to my place and settles in quickly. Everyone plays beer pong as Shelby and I watch from the side. We do well as friends, but we flirt a little too much at times and have to pull back. We get caught in each other's stares. We walk by each other and brush our arms together. I feel the urge to kiss her and I know she feels the same. But we maintain our strength.

Kyle and Tristan can see it though. They saw it at the party on Saturday and they can see it more now. I had already told Kyle how I kissed Shelby and he cautioned me. He liked Lizzy because she sent him a birthday card, but Shelby had been his friend for a while and he liked her with me as well. As my best friend, I needed his input. But he left this one to me, like a good friend should do.

The girls leave. Kyle, Tristan, Shelby, and I hang out in my living room. My brother was going through a weird mood swing and was very annoyed at the people there. He acted cold towards my friends and I kept trying to cater to him and make him feel comfortable but he presently himself awkwardly. He was going through a depressive episode and there was not much I could do.

He was having a bad day. I try to include him in the conversation, but he gets deep and depressing on everyone. He starts to debate with Shelby about politics and the war. She stands up for herself and is feisty, I am extremely attracted.

I walk Tristan and Kyle out separately. I'm looking for some real wisdom and direction and they both say,

"Fuck her for me!"

Can't count on your friends for anything.

I come back in and Shelby and Sean are still debating. He is in a bit of an inconsolable mood so I storm to my room angrily. I want to talk to Shelby and I fear that Sean is scaring her off. She comes into my room and looks worried.

"Are you upset with me?"
"No, I'm just upset with Sean. He's projecting on you and I feel like you're going to freak out and not come over."

She handles it all so well. She says she has no problem talking with him and thats he enjoyed it. She understands that I have a bipolar brother who can be kooky and weird but is a good-hearted, great person at the core.

We talk about the night. She had fun, so did I. She can't stay for much longer so we lie together and cuddle. We kiss very softly, very short. This night isn't filled with the hormonal, heated passion of the previous two. This night it feels like I have my girlfriend lying next to me, being understanding while holding me close.

I walk her to her car. A simple goodnight. A night that felt all too much like a relationship. A night that felt way too right.

I go to talk to Sean, he is having a really hard time. I talk to him until 3am. I listen while he vents his frustrations, his issues. I try to be there. He listens to me describe the situation I'm in. I think he hates me for it. What a terrible problem to have, right? Choosing between two amazing girls.

But he consoles me and tells me to see things through with Lizzy before making any decisions.

I crash in my bed.

I have no more clarity tonight than I did before. I'm even more confused.

To Be Continued...
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