I got no Christmas presents. We didn't even have the tree up. Stupid relatives who come in and ruin everything - just glad they can't read this.
I've been home for a wee while now, and go back to uni in a few days. I'm still suffering from jetlag it seems, or maybe just my general sleep patterns are messed up. Not spent any quality time with my family this trip really, relatives have been around invading my privacy and time and then the first week of 2009 started and work and school with it. I have enjoyed the home comforts but been feeling properly neglected at home. My brother seems to have taken a very very sudden liking to me, he won't leave me alone sometimes, but in a way it's kinda nice. The other one's being a typical teenager, wanting to be independent and hang out with his friends instead of me or home. Ah well, he's at that age I guess. Dad's apparently forgotten I exist... I suppose I shouldn't blame him really, things have been going tits up in the office as of late. But at the same time, I'm only here properly for a week, and if he can't make time to see me then, don't know when it'll happen, if ever.
I don't do New Years Resolutions, if I did, they'd be the same as everyone else's:
* Go to the gym
* Eat healthy
* Be happy
Not that much to complain about tonight for some reason. Oh I suppose one more addition to the resolutions would be to blog more :) We'll see if that happens.
Exams in about 2 weeks. Revision... has not happened! Whoopeee! On the plus side, these will be the last set of exams I'll ever have to sit in my life as far as I'm aware. I need to sort a job out for after graduation as well. A Real Job. Capital R, capital J.
Darren's got a girlfriend now. Her name is Lucille. She looks like a slag. Of course I'd say that. He's definitely not interested then, I'm so good at reading signals wrong. My friend Will has apparently broken up with his girlfriend of a few years, Ally. According to Facebook anyway. Shall have to talk with him about it when I'm back in England. I hope it's not true, she was a sweetheart, though I could see where they would differ. Also met another friend of mine for lunch the other day, broke my heart though. She forgot my birthday in November, and has basically stopped being a friend for some time. What to do hey. Only bothers with me when I'm in town. Live and learn I suppose.
Finally heard the new FOB and AAR albums this week. First word that came to mind when I heard FOB was 'melancholy'. Sounds good and I really like both of them. And I went shopping today, spent a fucking fortune on a new handbag from Calvin Klein. Credit crunch, my tits.
I can't wait to be going home in December. It's fookin freezing in England at the moment - I had to rearrange my room to be closer to the heat. It's cooold. And wet. Good old English weather. Fucking awesome.
I went to the gym this morning, I feel good. Though I am in a bit of pain. I feel stressed so I need to be in the gym some more. Channel my anger. I don't know what I'm frustrated about, I just know I'll eventually punch a key out on my keyboard because I'm typing so hard.
I miss my friend Ben. He's started a new job this week, and basically now will have no time for me whatsoever. I wish I was with him, he's like the perfect boyfriend ever. But unfortunately, he prefers this other girl called Sam - they've been together for a good two years or so. Lucky her. But he's so perfect. He's the most romantic guy ever. I swear, he needs to start running like a boyfriend bootcamp or something. He'd make good money doing that.
I'm really really glad people are moving forward with relationships. Or that's sarcastic. It just reminds me of how alone I am without anyone. And it's coming up to the holidays soon. Radio 1 played that Mariah Carey Christmas tune yesterday afternoon, it was horrible. I need to be at home watching Love Actually and Home Alone before it can be considered Christmas just yet. I'm tired of being alone, I need to just get out there. Ben suggested I meet someone at the gym, but who wants to meet people at the smelly sweaty gym?! It's disgusting. I need to throw myself into my work and the gym I think, and not think about relationships and being alone.
I feel really really let down though. My best friend at uni, Will, is basically ignoring me, he's got no time for me anymore. We don't share any of the same classes this year. And I appreciate he works like 4 days a week or whatever, and has a girlfriend, and goes out socially lots and lots, but I'm feeling really neglected by him, and by most people. Ergo loneliness. I don't understand sometimes. I'm just rambling on and on right now.
I spoke to my brothers this morning =) Made me miss home some more. Can't wait to be back in December. I think I might ask for some new trainers from Santa, my ones I'm currently using are really heavy, especially for the gym. Ask for some lighter ones. I've told my brothers to keep an eye out for them, considering they spend half their lives in sports shops and are sports-obsessed. I should really pay more attention to things like that. Ah well.
One of my goals for this academic year is to get a boyfriend, even if for a little while. I need some sort of lift, some way to rise above it all. But then I think, how can I be so silly and actually WANT a boyfriend? Am I not that independent to get by without one? I am, I have been okay for years and years without one, why does one need that sense of companionship? The sense of belonging to a partnership, to a pair, to someone else? But it's an important experience.
I had lunch with my mate Louise earlier today, and I've decided I'm jealous of her. For two reasons:
She's been out drunk twice since Saturday. And she met a guy on Saturday who's taking her on a date next week. I've quit drinking - and miss it terribly and have turned into a loser who refuses to go out so I'm not tempted - nor do I have boys throwing themselves at me, asking me to dinner. No boy's EVER asked me to dinner; how pathetic is that? I've read all the magazines, read Cosmo and shit, all the 'how to get a man' business, and I've DONE all of it (besides paying for sex.. or an escort, or whatever) - all the smiling lots, looking presentable, laughing lots etc... IT DOESN'T FUCKING WORK!
And what is it with boys and their mixed signals? I was talking to Darren on Monday - bad boy I'm crazy about - and I told him I was ill, and he went, 'Do you need anything?' which is shocking considering he's the most blind, self centred person on this planet. To be thinking of my needs at all - to be asking me if I'm okay in the first place is not like him at all. I should've asked for some cough syrup or something, tested him to see if he would get me it or not. I'll bet not. But I'll never know. Then I asked him to come to the hospital with me, and he said no. See, mixed signals. I'm tired of being fucked around, I had too much of that last year with a boy being hot and cold and it really made me doubt myself. I refuse to let myself get that depressed again.
Phew. Rant over. For the time being anyway. I'm glad no one I know or live with etc can read this. I'm glad Louise or Darren can't read this. That boy is so blind. But there's something about his dark dark dark hair and his silly Mancunian accent. Anyway, I have more important things to worry about this year, like getting a decent degree.
Fuck. I smoked so much last night. Disgusting habit. My housemate is totally against it as well, so when she bumped into me on the landing this morning, she said I sounded 'croaky' haha. I didn't want her to come near me and smell it on me in order to avoid a lecture. Damn, she's so fucking judgemental. Double standards as well. I fell asleep in Joe's bed several weeks ago - I was jetlagged and it was a natural impulse, I didn't mean to fall asleep in his bed, but that was 'wrong'. Then on Sat, Sun and Monday night she's been in his bed all 3 nights because she couldn't sleep in her own bed. What a load of fucking bollocks.
Homesickness kicked in yesterday again. Happy fucking Diwali.
Presentation on the IRA next week, trying to get sorted for that.
Presentation on Just War Theory next week also, need to get organised for that. I'm studying some very morbid things at uni - war, peace, terrorism, violence. It gets me excited though.
Also got my dissertation supervisor assigned to us yesterday, got some dude I've never met. Should probably email him or see him in his office hour. He knows his stuff on my topic though, and I took his book out the library yesterday too. It looks exciting. I'm such a loser. I've also lost my planner, I'm sure I had a meeting around about now, but don't know when exactly or where. Plus I'm still in my pajamas. Ah well. I'm beginning to lose overdue library books in the mess by my desk as well. My room needs a good tidy up. It's fucking arctic in England right now though, we've got a huge ass gust of wind from the actual Arctic sweeping across the UK - it was frosty last night when I was walking back. 2 degrees or something, just the tropical weather I'm used to, ha. So I've rebranded my room as the Arctic Cave - since no one ever comes up here and it's freezing and it's the physically 'north' bit of the house, the attic.
Been listening to my girl groups today, The Saturdays, Girls Aloud, Leona Lewis (haha, what a joke, but oh so catchy). And to old school PATD, can't get enough of Fever.
Definitely not happy with the amount of work I have to do this year at uni. Seminar prep every week, 3 essays, poster exhibition (because we're 9 apparently), learning log, 1 extended essay, dissertation, exams.. phew. Fuck me, that's a long list. This WILL impact on my social life, I'm sure. Not that I have much of one at the minute. Reminds me of that facebook bumper sticker - 'Good Grades, Enough Sleep, Social Life - you can only have 2 at college/uni'. Social life is definitely on the backburner. Mind, I've consciously decided to quit drinking for the academic year, so my social life went out the window when that happened. Unfortunately, in UK, if you don't drink you're not cool. Makes me fucking sick to think about it.
I'm starting to be a little concerned about my use of foul language of late, I feel like I have Tourette's of sorts. Mouthing off for no reason. Must be stress.
Have been seriously considering getting a deathbat tattoo... I can see what the parentals reaction to that will be! Not sure if I can handle the pain though. We'll see, I talk a lot of shit that I don't actually follow through with. Ah well. Speaking of deathbat, the A7X live album off Taste of Chaos '08 tour is the shit. Too bad I missed them when they were in England in Jan/Feb this year. He who makes a beast out of himself gets rid of the pain... of being a man! Fucking awesome. I want to be in a sexual sandwich with Shadows on one side and The Rev on the other. Filthy dirty mind....
Wow, I don't think I've ever blogged before. Let's see how this takes off...